Wow! I am so impressed with you. I cannot wait to GAL. The minute my car arrives back home after being repaired, I am off to explore new things to the best of my ability. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of my kids having to deal with the brunt of my emotions. I'm moving on, and looking forward to it. You have inspired me greatly.
Thank you so much Ancaire! That means so much to me
I fell like this is the most extreme end of GAL. And it's the one I'm least comfortable with, tbh. I might try some lower key GAL next, one that's not quite so in your face.
Thinking a bit more over last night...there's a very young woman at work. She's very beautiful, intelligent and charming too.
She was there, at the second part of my GAL last night, dressed to kill and looking amazing.
But you know what I've noticed in the few years we've worked together? She hangs on to every guy like there's no tomorrow. And what I saw last night? She was having an intense one to one with one of the newer guys who has started working there. There was a lot of flirting on her part. She's very conscious of being so pretty, so there's a bit of manipulation in there as well.
She's beautiful, but beyond that, when you look at her patterns of behaviour, she gives the impression of someone who is insubstantial. There's not enough of her own personality and spirit there to feel. It doesn't matter about either liking or disliking who she might be, that's almost irrelevant. What you want to feel is someone's substance.
It also gives her an air of neediness and desperation. And it makes me want to keep her at a distance.
I know she's very young, so it's maybe not very fair to say these things, but I don't get the same feeling from the others that work there that are the same as her.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense at all.
Looks like you're making the best of a bad situation Focus, this is a long road so GAL is important.
You're getting the cues from folk in the real world that you're still an amazing woman and won't let his actions take away from that. Listen to those people and let that fuel you in this time of difficulty.
I'm proud of what you've accomplished and how you're carrying yourself, you should be too.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Had a major GAL day yesterday (head down and back to work today though).
Out for coffee in the afternoon with a new pal. Had a good chat about my situation. And I feel he gave me good advice as well. So yeah, I think I can count on him as a pal.
Home to get dressed up for the evening. Discovered the central heating wasn't working *sigh* But I think I know what's wrong, and it's fairly simple to fix.
So, got dressed up and went out with one of the teams I work with. Had a really great night with them all. They're a lovely bunch of people, and we're well looked after by our immediate manager.
Randomly, there was a networking evening for people in our industry in the same place last night as well, so loads of people I've known for a long time were also there (along with some newer colleagues).
So, as I was chatting to some of them the question about how my H was doing and what he was up to came up a few times. I said we'd separated (thank you pho!), but added that he had wanted to go and do his own thing. I thought that would be letting people know it wasn't my decision, but it was neutral enough, not gossipy and not judgemental. I hope that would have come across that way.
My manner wasn't bitter or angry or sad when I mentioned it, and I didn't talk about it for long (except for 5 minutes or so with someone I've not long been working for. He overheard a snippet of chat about it all between me and someone that has known my H and I for a long time. So I took the chance to explain to him what had happened and why I might have been a bit scatterbrained at my job of late. I was careful with how I put it all across, and he said I was one of the most positive and inspiring people he'd met).
Everyone I spoke to that knows us both said my H was insane to have left. People said I looked fab (I *was* dressed up to the nines though, with sequins aplenty), and my new colleagues have the impression that I know tons of people and am really popular.
Fantastic Focus! You handled it with aplomb and style! I know we'd be fast friends IRL...you said the magic word - sequins! LOL
I'm really struggling with what to tell all my old friends who were just here a few short months ago for our twins high school graduation. There was nothing wrong then. Of course, he'd not met the Ho yet, but still. How am I supposed to tell people that have known us for nearly 20 years that my formerly grounded and moral H, has turned into a lying, cheating, scumbag?
When people have been friends for a very long time, they tend to want more information. I've not handled it well at all. I just disconnected myself from most social media and rarely answer the phone. I know...crazy behavior.
I'm just so embarrassed for some reason. Probably because I feel like a failure who couldn't keep her man.
Fantastic Focus! You handled it with aplomb and style!
Thank you.
Really worry about saying too much. I'm still fiercely protective of my H's reputation in the industry. But I understand that I can't (and mustn't) do anything in that regard. It's part of letting go.
I also worry about saying something that makes people feel uncomfortable.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I know we'd be fast friends IRL...you said the magic word - sequins! LOL
I love anything that's shiny and sparkly
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I'm really struggling with what to tell all my old friends who were just here a few short months ago for our twins high school graduation. There was nothing wrong then. Of course, he'd not met the Ho yet, but still. How am I supposed to tell people that have known us for nearly 20 years that my formerly grounded and moral H, has turned into a lying, cheating, scumbag?
When people have been friends for a very long time, they tend to want more information. I've not handled it well at all. I just disconnected myself from most social media and rarely answer the phone. I know...crazy behavior.
I'm just so embarrassed for some reason. Probably because I feel like a failure who couldn't keep her man.
Got any advice for me, lovely one?
I'll have a think this evening. I'll try and post tomorrow some time.
This is the start of a whole thought process, so it's a couple of random snippets only. Hopefully you'll be able to add your own thoughts in too, and hopefully others can/will as well.
Apologies in advance if some of this is very step by step and totally obvious.
Disconnecting yourself from social media etc, can be a good thing. It gives you the time and space to get your own thoughts together. You're reclaiming that space for yourself. So I would see that as a positive, empowering move on your part.
As to what you tell other people...I'm struggling with this one too. I want to say something fairly neutral, that lets them know it was his decision, but that misses out all of the other stuff.
As much as I want people to know what he's done and how wronged I feel, I don't want to become just person who has been wronged in other people's eyes. So much of my identity was tied up with my H anyway, because of his job and how successful he was. I think it would be good for me for people to see me more as my own person now. I don't even know if that's a coherent thought and if it makes sense.
The down side of this is that it means I tend to keep other people who might be able to help me at arm's length.
I know that trusting people was an issue for me (even before my H and the OW, plural), so it can also merge into that.
So there's more stuff for me to think about and come to terms with in some way or another.
Maybe a good thing for me to do would be to pick a couple of people I feel a connection with, and confide *a little* more in them? That would push me forward out of my own comfort zone a bit, help me tackle some of my own issues and ultimately grow a bit more?
Will think a bit more about the embarrassment questions too.
I was always reserved with people before W left. She was always the sociable one whereas I tended to wait until I really felt comfortable opening up more. Since W left I've found telling some friends everything( I have nothing to hide ) has given me nothing but support and love. Sometimes I've been surprised by people's opinion in a positive way. Even though there is nothing they can do to help it helps to feel that there are people who value you and would like to support you if you let them. It can feel liberating to realize that you don't have to worry about others might be thinking.
Thank you Scrant. And we had the same dynamic as well: he was the extrovert, sociable one, and I am more introverted and guarded.
Letting a few more people in is definitely something I need to do more of. I've felt like I've been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders over the past few years.
I've been quite tough on myself, trying to stop myself from thinking about my H, and trying not to second guess what he may be doing or thinking. I think that way lies madness.
I still don't think it's any help to me writing this or posting this.
Anyway. On Sunday night when I was out GAL, and I met someone who is working with him at the moment, she said she had found out that we had separated. I can't even quite remember if I even asked her how he is, but in the course of our quick conversation she told me he had been lecturing her about bad relationships (she's about half our age).
I got a picture of one of those old bitter, drunk guys you see, standing on his own at a bar, dispensing 'advice' to anyone coming up to the bar.
This morning I called an alcohol advice helpline to talk about my H's attitude towards alcohol in general, and the amount he's been consuming for the past 4 or 5 years.
I couldn't quite work out what was normal any more. He comes from quite a heavy-drinking family, and has always had the 'drink to excess' thing. Except over the past 4 or 5 years it's become much more intense, very self destructive and there's been a big element of 'stuff you, I'm doing it anyway' whenever I told him how much it was impacting on my life.
Then throw some drugs into the mix too.
He's been cracking a joke for the past few years, whenever we saw a down and out he would say 'that could be me if I stick in'. It always upset me.
The lady I spoke to on the phone said she felt I had had enough of dealing with his behaviour.
I do feel much better knowing I'm not going to be woken up at some point in the night, with him staggering home from God knows where, at God knows what time and in God knows what state.
He's done some very reckless things in the states he's gotten himself in to (leaving the front door unlocked, leaving the keys on the outside of the front door and leaving the front door wide open...just some of the things he's done over the past few years). Whenever I've brought any of my concerns up, he's always been really dismissive. That's been the thing that has been more upsetting than whatever it is that he's done.
