H just moved out, making it hard to detach

[Cristy]

Hello Ciluzen,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

The good news is that you are recognizing what is working and what isn't. Detaching is working and talking about the relationship isn't. GAL is working. Is H keeping you in the friend zone while cake eating?

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[ciluzen]

Thank you inpain, tfish and Pho for your replies. It does help to just know that others are listening. I am trying to escape the victim mentality, but I am alone too much, and in winter here, things seem to shut down.

My kids are out of the house so the loneliness really gets to me. I have a few supportive new friends, but trying to GAL when you are depressed, as you probably know, can drain your energy.

I have now researched discernment therapy and found that it is a 1-5 session process in which a therapist meets with both spouses for about 30 minutes together to hear their story, then separately for about 30 minutes each to touch on their POV, then together again for 30 min to go over what their take-away from the private talk was. This is all in one session. They then decide if they want to meet for more sessions, go to actual couples therapy and work on marriage, or move forward with divorce. My sources stress that it is specifically for couples where one is trying to save their marriage (leaning in) and one is very much leaning out (may have already started divorce proceedings).

But they also say it is NOT something for a couple where one partner has already made up their mind to leave. That's what sent me into depression. They determine this beforehand with separate phone calls to each spouse. My husband told me last week after I foolishly brought up R that his laziness and loathing of lawyers is what has kept him from divorcing me.He still tells me he loves and cares about me, but I don't know what that actually means anymore.

[Pax_luv]

Hi ciluzen,
Hmm discernment therapy seems very anti- DB right now. I can understand, as I just started working with a new IC who kind of gets the foundation of DB- brief solutions based therapy, but she's all for talking it out with h. Doesn't feel like the right action right now.

I don't have much advise to give, just letting you know that I'm out here listening too and rooting for you to succeed in your journey,and I get how totally hard this is ---- and long! I'm close to 6 months with no visible progress with the r. Thank god for the supportive people on this forum to keep us going

[gonegrl]

I think discernment therapy would be very anti-DB, especially if there was an active affair or even "affair fog". After BD I found a "marriage friendly" therapist but I even doubt that he's been all that helpful. Except that he gives H an outlet to rant and rage and feel validated.

[inpain]

Hmmm, I agree with everyone else, this discernment therapy doesn't sound like something I would want to try to talk H into doing. It seems pushy unless H has approached you saying he wants to reconcile. If your H is anything like mine he wouldn't agree to it anyway. The only time I managed to get mine to go to C was when I discovered his 2nd time of EA with same woman! He was so desperate not to lose me that he was willing to do anything.

Your H seems to be sending mixed messages if he is still saying he loves you and cares for you. I take it that he loves you in the "but not in love with you" way that our WAS all say.

[ciluzen]

Nope, lol. My H has DEFINITELY not approached me about reconciling. And he feels the same way about therapists as lawyers, I think. I did tell him I was seeing a therapist and his first reaction was, "what did she say about me?" I had to explain that it wasn't about him...it was for me. So no, I don't see that anytime in the future.

Yes, I do understand the ILYBINILWY thing, in fact he used those exact words. Sometimes I think he's just more worried that I'll do something rash since I've refused to leave our house.

He does seem to be in an emotional affair with a woman in his office, even though he doesn't realize it and I don't think she does either. He spent Thanksgiving with her family and a few of what I used to believe were our mutual friends. I had TG dinner with my daughter and her in-laws. He chose friends over family.

Right now, he is in Las Vegas with all of his staff, including her, from Thursday until tomorrow for a seminar. He "wanted to tell me so I didn't find out from others and get upset".

I haven't spoken to him at all since Monday. It has been difficult, but I'm really trying to stick to my guns and not call for any reason. I have screwed up so much on detaching and seen what it does. I've also been literally STUDYING validation. I originally thought of it more as being a cheerleader and complimenting. Now I know better...it is just letting them know you are listening, considering, and acknowledging that their thoughts and feelings are valid...even if you don't agree. Psychology Today has a good series of articles on the six types of validation. It may come in handy

[ciluzen]

Just journaling. My GAL and my waves of depression this week led me to try to find a church...I needed a sense of community? The church we used to go to was...wait for it... EA/employee/friendish of mines and was small. I had stopped going except for holidays because of my feelings around her, but H sometimes went without me.

Anyway, I really like this new church. Good sermon, good service, and a better fit for me. And I know NOBODY.

I made myself go Christmas shopping after and am almost done. I bought myself some soft, cute pajamas because I've been wearing H's big long sleeved t-shirts to bed because it reminded me of him and nothing I had fit anymore (I've been on the "MLC" diet,apparently, and have lost 40 lbs since this stuff started in July). I put them on when I got home cuz...why not?

H comes back to town with his office staff today. Right now I am feeling good about not contacting him. I've studied HARD this week about detachment, emotional reaction, validation, emotional regulation, smothering, pursuing, focus, ways to ease anxiety, mindfulness, and how I can GAL without burning out and curling into a ball. Trying to stay strong!

Plus, my first two series of prints of my art are ready to sell and my business cards came! I feel ready to rock n roll on this! Scared to death, but it will be on Etsy first so not too scary. As if!

[inpain]

Oooh! Well done for getting your art printed and putting it on Etsy! I used to sell handmade cards on Etsy. I still make them (well, I did until H left and made me so depressed that I haven't the heart to) but no longer sell them.

Well done too for not contacting H. I know it is so hard to manage it. My heart leaps whenever my phone has a message. Then I feel a huge disappointment if it is someone other than H.

I bought myself some cute pajamas too! I'm wrapping them up for myself for Christmas though. My kids still believe in Santa so I thought I'd better have one present to open, because I'm quite sure I'll be getting nothing from H.

You're doing a great job at staying strong!

[ciluzen]

Thank you, inpain! I'm not feeling too strong right now. I have mail and bills for H and have not talked about Christmas with him yet, but I know he is back from his trip. I'm trying hard to not call. I keep getting waves of sadness and the urge to call people to talk, but everyone is busy with holiday stuff right now.

I have been doing research to prepare myself for our inevitable next talk-driving it into my head to not talk about R and just validate and be cheerful. I did make an appointment with a massage therapist (not getting hugs or any physical touch has been VERY hard so I thought it might help).

That's great that you make handmade cards. I hope you can get back to that soon. I understand, though, not having the heart. I haven't been able to paint much lately, either.

[ciluzen]

Ok. I caved. I called to tell H about his mail (he just said ok) and then he asked if I'd heard from our daughters so I mentioned that one could be here til 3 or 4 on Christmas and the other and her husband could come after 2. I told him he was welcome to show up and I think he grunted.

Then he told me to ask him about his trip so I just listened and tried to validate when he shared feelings or thoughts. He brought up memories of us in Vegas and also of a movie we saw years ago. At least he's got good memories in there somewhere!

I told him about the church I visited and he seemed intrigued, but didn't say much. Kind of a pleasant but nothing conversation. I let him go. Not feeling like a failure for caving, but just kind of...meh.

Looking forward to my massage tomorrow and I see my IC the next day. Not quite GAL, but stuff to do.