no clue where Wife is, cant see past the FOG

[Irish M]

I sent a message to my W last Wednesday. The financing of the house in my name has to wait another 6 months. Her late payments and no payments on certain loans she has that I cosigned has affected my credit. I am clear of the responsibility but the bank can only finance in 3-6 months. I also asked her if automatic money transfer would be easier for her when she pays child support.
Instead of emailing me the excuse of why she can't or partial.

Got a reply message from W today. She's fine with the wait of 6 months.
The auto transfer she said ask the judge.

She signed off the message saying how much she misses the girls. She wakes up crying. It hurts so much not seeing them. I miss laughing with them, watching TV, camping, just having fun with them. Miss their laughs and their jokes.

That was nice. I felt maybe she is seeing clarity a little in her choice.

Then a second message came in.

She said:
I miss them every day. They need to respect me. My choice for me. I am their mom. They need to apologize for not trying to see me. I gave birth to them, they owe it to me. They need to respect me. I spent the last 15 years raising them. I deserve it for that. How could they just erase me so fast
If they don't respect me and don't reach out its their loss.

Wow . There it is. Me me me .

Guess she's still pretty deep into it.

What a shame to see she is still where we left her 5 months ago.

I replied to her.

Sorry you are crying . You chose this and nothing me or the girls did to make you chose this path.
The girls don't owe you an appology. They did nothing wrong

Merry Christmas

[AJM]

I'm guessing that was a little tough for you, Irish. The seesaw can be nauseating at times.

For what its worth, I think said the right thing. Keeping it brief and on point was also the right way to go. Try not to say any more nor get sucked into an argument.

This IS her row to hoe. Not yours. Not the girls. And no, they don't owe her anything. Quite the opposite for no other reason than she's the parent.

She seems to have a way to go. Give her the space to go.

What's the plans for Christmas?


AJ

[peacetoday]

Irish

she sounds very confused almost like she is the "teenager" wanting her parents to apologize
she obviously is not seeing clearly
I agree with AJ, you were authentic, brief and to the point
Wife may not agree or appreciate it, but we are powerless over them and their choices and perceptions
I know how hard it is,,we all just want them to wake up
even if just for the kids

[Sotto]

Gosh Irish, that was a seesaw. And very illuminating. Lots of sadness and regret in the first message. Then anger, entitlement and self pity in the second.

You've already had some good advice about your reply, which I also think was fine. I agree that brevity and not getting drawn in are so important if she is in this frame of mind. That way, you hopefully maintain some little reserves of goodwill among everyone. As it was, you shot a little truth dart on behalf of your girls - a papa bear moment - but it wasn't mean, just honest and direct. That is is fair enough and I would let things rest there for now.

Your W is clearly hurting, but doesn't appear to have reached the 'what have I done?' stage. Sounds like she is more at the 'this is what THEY need to do (in order to support my recent life choices)' stage. As others have said, she has a way to go yet.

Luckily your D's have one sane parent for now Irish - so calm, steady and loving is the way to go I think.

Take care my friend xx

[Delboy]

Hi Irish M, just to say about a month (late Feb 04) after my Ex W left us, she said in a letter to me that she was being so selfish. On Mothers day last year (which is in late March over here), The OM wasn’t at home when my 3 daughters called to see her, she broke down and cried and said that she was so sorry for being so selfish. This of course also made my 3 girls cry. So it doesn’t seem that my Ex has come to terms with what she’s done or the damage she’s done to them.

Just be there for your 2 lovely girls, and give them a hug from me.

Wishing you & your family a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

Love

Delboy

[Irish M]

Thanks for the comments AJ, peace and Sotto

Christmas will be good. House is decorated in and out :-)
My D's even decorated their rooms with lights and mini trees. They are excited as ever.

XMas is usually at my parents with my brothers, their wives and kids

We never did anything with W's side so no change in tradition for the girks :-)

I'll take a week off between XMas and New Years and get some local activities and shows. Star Wars is on our list so we will have to do a marathon to watch all the movies before we see the new one.

We usually travel to Mexico or Caribbean but this year I'm planning that trip in March

[peacetoday]

Irish

That is great..Im glad your family will be available at Christmas so there won't be many changes..stability is so important for the kids

Enjoy your Sunday!

[123Gwen]

Irish, thanks for responding to my thread. Your words really helped me.mi must admit I keep reading them for a shot of self esteem. Having a spouse just leave without warning is a hurt I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Reading your thread And hearing how you've been dealing with all this has been inspirational. You are showing your girls so much by being present in their lives and respecting all the women you love.

I know you are walking a tightrope but you are doing that and so much more.you have been a wonderful dad.

[Irish M]

Hi Dellboy
Wow to your comment .
Your girls are strong to reach out to your exW. Shame she hasn't yet realized what she has done.
I'll read up on your posts more. Seems you are the solid base for your kids.
I'm sure it doesn't get easier seeing the pain our children live through.
Sure they show strength but deep down they are hurting.
I hug mine everyday and tell them I love them .

Take care my friend

[Irish M]

Peace and Gwen
My 2 fav ladies.

We share the stregth that our kids give back to us for the many years we showed them love and respect before MLC tore our families apart.

I know I'm proud that my daughters and they know it's not healthy being around their mom.

Our kids chose to stand next to us. It shows we are doing the right thing.

Of course we want them to have relationships with our MLC'r if and when they wake up, but we raised them properly with love and guidance to chose that for themselves.

I look at my girls laughing this weekend and I smile.
We watched the grinch and laughed the same way we did if W was there.
They chose not to change their life.

W however is not enjoying these small pleasures.
I live for them xxx