I was not going to mention it but it is seems to be effecting me more then I thought today. At lunch time today, seven years ago, my wife stepped through the door and went from a EA to a PA. The last few years it was not such a bad day. This year is different. I'm down because forever this day has added meaning. Today seven years ago was the beginning of the end. She said this summer that the marriage was over then and she just didn't realize it. That the last seven years she was fooling herself and subsequently me.
For those of you who think I am always wise, patient, kind and compassionate man, you may want to skip this paragraph. As much as I am down I am angry. This woman who pledged an oath to me stabs me in the back. She does not tell me it's bad. No, she pulls her passive aggressive bull sh!t and meets up with some POS, strike one. Now seven years later she turns inward and won't give me the time of day, again passive aggressive bull sh!t, strike two. If she doesn't get herself together and choose a life with me by the time my son graduates from high school, at this moment I'm seeing strike three and she's out. I'm no "f"ing prize but I know I can find someone who will say good morning to me, make at least brief eye contact with during a conversation, someone I am allowed to touch. This is "f"ing bull sh!t and it will not go on indefinitely.
Whew, I feel better. A good rant is cathartic. I love her very much but two more years of this will be the point of critical mass.
I am not on the board much these days. It is a great place and as you know a super support network. But I couldn't not reply here.
You are phenominal. Seriously. Supporting your current treatment shows strength. Staying after affair shows character. Giving up drinking shows guts and wisdom. But you are phenominal to remain signed up for another two years.
Your anger is justified. Feel it and release it. It is not your friend. Accept it as it is normal but find s way to get past it. Don't let it fester. The feelings of missing simple signs of companionship and affection is also normal. I am sure that that is in my future and yours. For the moment we have reserved that spot for our wives. Until the time we decide to remove that preference, we are willing to put up with shite with the aim of giving what we want the best chance to happen. During this crap time when we can rise above being bogged down by feelings, we are becoming better men and ultimately better partners. This will stand to us and we are also learning so much about good relationships and any future R will have a better base.
The only thing I can assure you if is that your situation will not continue indefinitely as it is. It will change. That is s fact. Time will tell what direction it'll take.
I asked you a Q a while back about doing something different.I don't have an answer for you but I asked it to get you thinking of something to try. Maybe st family meals share a joke.Anyway people in our situations easily get it into their head that they have tried everything and nothing did or will work . I am guilty of that too. It is not a good mindset to have.
Even if I don't write again soon, know that my best thoughts are with you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thanks for taking the time and effort to support me roiste. I am trying to display my evolved nature indirectly through my interactions with my kids. Her too, but she is not around much.
This is all I can think of that may work. Live a good life with a positive outlook and behavior. Treat everyone well and strive to model good behavior in a independent manner. This is my path. If anyone has a suggestion please share it with me.
Hello Mutatio, my very dear and supportive friend. I am so sad for you today. Roiste's advice was right on target, my advice and words would not be as good. Although we have never met, and I don't even know your name, I feel a connection with you that prevents me from thinking and responding logically and in good "DB" style. I am angry with your W, angry that she cheated on you, angry that she has not been honestly participating in the marriage, angry that she is neglecting and rejecting and hurting you.
Perhaps it is because our stories have so many similarities, perhaps it is because in some odd way you remind me of my H, the "good" H prior to BD (and I don't know why but you do), but I lose my objectivity with your sitch and I just want so much for you to feel loved the way you love her, and to be treated with the respect and compassion that you demonstrate daily for her and for those of us needing a friend here on this forum. You are a good man.
I am glad you are feeling angry, because I think you are too hard on yourself. I think some anger is healthy and necessary, and in your case, very well justified. You are entitled to feel anger, and you should not apologize for it or think it makes you seem weak or impatient, or unkind. It makes you a human being who has been betrayed and dismissed and is reacting with normal healthy feelings. I don't know what to tell you to do with that anger, but I don't think you should apologize for it. Feel it, own it, know that it is deserved, and please find a way to move on.
Is there something you can do for yourself today? Something different maybe, some thing that will bring you a little peace and nurture your soul? My "happy place" is not far from you, when I lived in your part of the world I would hike the Ken Lockwood gorge, have you ever been there? It is so peaceful, no cell phone reception, feels like you are a million miles away from the world. Just watch out for bears! I wish you peace and comfort Mutatio, and I want you to know that this too shall pass. You will be loved again fully and better than you were before. Your son is unbelievably lucky to have such a role model for a father. I am lucky to have you as a friend on this forum. You are a good friend to so many, I think many would agree. Hold your head up high, no shame in feeling angry.
Anger is good you know, a great motivator for change. Enjoy it, use it to change, make shift.
Direct it to action.
It is absolutely completely ok and will be part of the Kubler Ross cycle. Make the anger white anger rather than red. It will give you true grit and determination.
I really mean enjoy your anger, get a great boost from it.
It's just this phase to moving on. It will assist in the letting go.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Vanilla, Thank you pho, I was glad to have your support and friendships today. I needed to voice my unhappiness to the universe about the state of my marriage. The only place I can talk about my marriage is here and that's why I posted it. I was not angry after my rant. I was a bit sour during the day but it wasn't to bad a day.
I was tempted to remind my wife what day it was tonight but decided against it. I do not see any upside to reminding her or discussing it with her.
She seems so far away. I really think the odds are long that this works out. My gut say's she's done with me, this marriage and wants out. I think she is doing time till my son graduates. I will continue trying to improve myself to be the man I want to be, not for her, for me.
Mutatio, the anger might be good to help you detach.
How do you feel most days? Are you depressed? Are you content? Somewhere in between? I worry that you are very hard on yourself, and living in this situation for another 2 years is really going to wear on you. I am not encouraging you to give up, just trying to get a feel for your general well being.
