MrBond, you are absolutely right. I need someone to slap me across the head! I am the one losing control over my emotions and throwing jabs. Not sure why I am falling apart.. but I am certainly doing just that.
W cuts my hair (15+ years with an electric clipper). Yesterday evening, while W is cutting my hair I ask her how the dinner with the high school rep. She shares and to keep the conversation going I ask her who was there. She shares (2 other couples with their kids). Then she tells me the OM was there (he carpooled out) and after the dinner she took him home (he lives 3 miles down the road from us). I can feel myself loosing it.. in that she took my car to work to take to dinner.. bought gas with my CC.. and drove him home?!? She tells me she did not go inside his place but sent time talking to him. W says he is just a friend but adds she understands that no matter what she says I don't believe her because I have already made up my mind on what's happening. How am I suppose to believe that based on all the sext I saw?!?
We go at it exchanging words for 1 hr. W saying how I was not there for her 8-10 years and when she needed me the most (referring to unwanted preg.. and during that time my mother visiting and relatives over for thanksgiving holiday.. that I should have known better and said, no not this year because we need time/privacy.. from that experience I did not show her that she was not important enough).. that she always has to be the strong one when we faced life challenges (making reference that I was never her rock/support during those times).. that there is nothing for her in MR.. she sees the changes in me but unable to accept it and doesn't know why therefore she does not want to work on MR.. that she does not know what she wants.. its her personality to be subborn.. that she is being selfish but no one is looking out for her (making reference to how she feels about my outlook of her)..
Me, I acknowledge her feelings but spill.. saying that it can never work with OM because he is there emotionally supporting so she can never work on us.. I begin to fall apart too.. saying stuff like did you tell <friends> about you and OM; why not? Why hide it if she enjoys his company?
Conversation ends because I have to pick up S8 for sport practice.
Sorry last night was rough on you. You need to STFU, and stop asking questions that you don't want to hear answered.
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Yesterday evening, while W is cutting my hair I ask her how the dinner with the high school rep. She shares and to keep the conversation going I ask her who was there.
Look, you know exactly why you asked her who was there! You were fishing. Then you got more than you wanted. Don't set yourself up by asking your W questions, trying to find out about OM.
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Then she tells me the OM was there (he carpooled out) and after the dinner she took him home (he lives 3 miles down the road from us). I can feel myself loosing it.. in that she took my car to work to take to dinner.. bought gas with my CC.. and drove him home?!? She tells me she did not go inside his place but sent time talking to him.
So, why have you continued to support her A?
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W says he is just a friend but adds she understands that no matter what she says I don't believe her because I have already made up my mind on what's happening. How am I suppose to believe that based on all the sext I saw?!?
Whenever a woman chooses a male "friend" over the feelings of husband, then it's more than any friendship.
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We go at it exchanging words for 1 hr.
She wouldn't be able to "go at it", if you wouldn't join in.
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Me, I acknowledge her feelings but spill.. saying that it can never work with OM because he is there emotionally supporting so she can never work on us.. I begin to fall apart too.. saying stuff like did you tell <friends> about you and OM; why not? Why hide it if she enjoys his company?
Not exactly what a strong, attractive, confident man says at a time like this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
After the kids go to bed I pick up an iPad that wack.. I see the FaceTime log of W FaceTiming the OM at 12:50am yesterday.. I lose it. W sees me agitated and asks what's wrong.
I start by asking, "what do you want to do"? W is in FULL CONTROL. She says there is nothing to discuss and she does not want to get worked up again. But I can't control myself. I keep talking.
I say stuff like, "I wish you would pack up your s#@! and leave". She replies, "I am not leaving". I continue with the questions of OM (I know it's wrong and gets me no where and makes things worse but I can't control myself..). She replies, "what does it matter about him? He is not the problem with our MR. Removing him does not fix how I feel about you. I do not want to work on our MR."
She also shares her thoughts that I am only upset and want to work at MR because affair. That only now after there is someone else who shows interest in her that I am ready to work at it but there is nothing to work at (that I showed up to the game after the game ended and everyone left). That I had to be hit with the affair and shocked to fall to realize what was going on with her[/b].. these are some of the tings she said!!
She tries to end it by saying, "I am removing myself from this conversation" and sits on the other end of couch while I just go at it (jabs of OM).
I need help as I simply cannot control these thoughts of W and OM.
I am in a similar sitch but fortunately or unfortunately more advanced. I will try to catch up on your sitch and try to help you avoid some the mistakes I made.
Hi RAI, thanks for dropping me a line. I jumped over to your posting just to take a quick peak. Saw this:
Originally Posted By: RAI
A short prayer: May it be thy will, Lord, our G-d, that I pass the next week in peace, with complete peace of mind that you are in control, and that my children are not adversely influenced by the forces that conspire against me. Also, please grant me the patience I need to pass the next week with a smile on my face.
I like this prayer and it got me thinking, the other day W asked if we were going to Church for Christmas? I am born Catholic but do not practice (ie. go to church). W has no faith but we were married in the Catholic Church. So this question she threw at me.. I was like SERIOUSLY?!? She only brought it up cause kids need clothes to attend and we will probably go with friends. But SERIOUSLY?!? We are living in SIN!! I'll stop here..
I would buy it. Last night without me prompting her she said she is driven by her emotions and doesn't know what she wants (and added that she may regret it years from now but this is how she feels).. so being with OM she cannot control.. probably.. all she knows is that he makes her feel special and not me.
She shares I was not there for her and I know from text I had seen he is there for her now emotionally. She said she needs someone to be her rock.. and that's him.. she said I was never her rock (hard for me to hear but true). OM has nothing to loose in A (he invested nothing but a few text and calls).. gives him an advantage over me to be that tough/macho guy (the I don't care attitude).
I know my actions yesterday made me look WEAK and just gave her more reasons to be with OM.
After our talk yesterday I am realizing she has no where to fall other than the financial support. Emotionally.. she hit bottom a long time ago with me and there is nothing I can do to change her mind.
I have to pick myself off the floor and work on me.
The ability of the WW to compartmentalize is incredible and difficult for us as the LBS to comprehend. To all casual observers, my W is an observant member of the orthodox Jewish community and she has no shame mingling within it even though she is breaking at least two of the ten commandments. Kind of a big deal, right? But she does not see it that way. She is experiencing such a cognitive dissonance that she must, for her own sanity, justify and rationalize everything she does. This cognitive dissonance is also the reason that the WW will vilify the LBS and make them out to be the bad person. It is the only way to justify her actions which are, by societal and moral standards, just wrong. It must take a lot of brain power for her to do this all day long.
I look forward to the day when I can see this from a distance, rather that daily under the same roof.
You are engineering more probability that you two will not be able to rebuild your M, or you're adding a lot of time (weeks, prob months!), difficulty, and more barriers for your W to have to get over before you can make any progress.
In short, you're hurting yourself and won't stop.
The grief is understandable. I've been there. But listen closely to what Sandi said:
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What if she told you she simply could not control herself with the OM? Would you buy it?
Sandi is exactly right. Listen to what she's saying. Your current thinking is that we are all just crafty animals driven by primal urges and feelings.
But it's not a matter of she (or you) can't. It's a matter of she (or you) won't. Mature people understand that everything is a choice. Immature people a driven by their feelings and appeal of instant gratification, the easy road.
She's taking the easy road by feeding her emotional addiction to someone else.
You are taking the exact same easy road by feeding your emotional addiction to her. You're essential doing the exact same thing as she is emotionally.
Your W doesn't want you to be addicted to her. She wants you to be attracted to her.
Years ago, a wise DB'er on here (named 'grasshopper') once posted something to the effect of, "Women want to be taken on an adventure; they don't want to be the adventure."
So knock that s--t off, bro. STFU. Take care of and work on yourself. When you release her to her path of disrespect and failure to commit, you also release yourself from the pain associated with your unhealthy attachment to her.
Accept the new reality. Let go of the unhealthy part of your attachment to your W. GAL and embrace your own path.
And get some prof. counseling help with the somewhat codependent stuff if you simply cannot break free of it on your own.
