So it looks like I'm back here

[Cherry]

So after a great girls day gal-ing. I came home, put baby to bed and then had a pamper session, face mask and nails. Makes me feel good about myself.

H comes in usual quiet. Tried to make some convo with him, got a few answers but he doesn't really talk in a chirpy upbeat manner. He's very quiet and speaking very miserable sounding.

We were in bed and I thought, should I initiate sex. Should I not? Should I be trying to speak to him? Right now my technique and my goal is to sort me and have me happy and in the best place. But is this going to push him further away? I feel like I have removed all focus from him. I know this is detachment, but am I doing the best thing by leaving him to it??

Any answers on this would be great, cause right now- I'm trying my best just to enjoy myself and try and be the best person and the happiest I can be

[JksD]

Good job on the GAL. Right now, your H doesn't sound like he's ready for any positive interactions.

Don't let that affect you. Perhaps you could treat him in an upbeat manner but just leave him to brood until he initiates contact with you?

Maybe others could help to chip in.

[Cherry]

Yeah that's what I've been trying to do, just keep upbeat, despite however he chooses to be.

Just not sure if doing nothing is the best plan

[Zephyr]

Doing nothingis not always a great plan, most times it is the only plan l, especially when faced with a spouse who is clearly depressed and unwilling to look at themselves.

I really enjoyed reading your gal - sassy time that you set up this week. I hope tou enjoyes it. Keep it going! See what other activities come from it.

Next is to start righting down some goals. This one is hard, but necesaary.
There are some personal goals (health, activity, breaking habits, education, hobby...so many really), professional goals, relationship goals with h aa well as other family.

The real key here us to start to develope a direction for cherry to start moving forward. The gal helps you learn to take those steps...the goals help give you direction.

Does that sound like something you can do; start comming up with goals...there ar tons of examples on this site for personal develooement goals if you are having trouble...imho this is what helps define who we want to become and is the next stepping tone to figuring out our 180's.

As for your question above about trying to initiate sex or conversation more, that you will have to start doing trial and error to see what works and what doesnt. Unfortunately, what works today with thw depressed husband may not work tomorrow.

Maybe (in your spare time:) ) try to read some of the mlc threads in that forum. There are a wealth of saints over there who have developed true patience and thier stories are not inspirstional, but helpful with what you are going through.

Actually just meant to say hi.
Hipe you have a great say!

[Cherry]

Cheers zephyr!
You're support is always great! You know what, it really felt good. Planning a girls night tomorrow.
I'm keeping myself busy, sassy seems to be my default. When I'm hurt, it's like my wall of defence, probably starts as faking it til I am it.

Yep I think I can start making some goals, I think my gal-Ing is a major goal- getting me feeling better about me

[Cherry]

I'm starting to think what if my strength and detachment actually leads me to seeing I will manage alone. What if his behaviours actually drives me away. I'm giving him the space, but the lack of anything to him and the way he snaps answers back at me sometimes makes me wonder.. Like, what if I suddenly realise I'm done?!

[Fogg]

Cherry, I think we all have that thought at various times and for various reasons. I've wondered myself at what point does the man only a fool would leave turn into the man would who be a fool for taking back their S. This is something I'm actually wrestling with right now.

Don't use that fear as a reason to avoid detaching and taking care of yourself. Also, of course you could manage fine without your H. You could likely find a new partner who treats you better and provides for all of your emotional needs but that's not the point. Our S's thought the same when they started their A's. Our commitments to M is what keeps us from walking. If we just gave up our M because we thought we could do better, how would that be any different than what many of our S's did at BD? I recognize its not the same because of how much damage has been done and we all do need to make our own decisions when we are done standing, but for right now this and love is what keeps me there.

Stay strong, this isn't easy but you will be ok.

[Vanilla]

Cherry

If you realise you are done then you do.

Do that which is best for you and your precious little one. It's more usual for the mother to have PHD not the father.

Some couples ML throughout their sitch, others end up in separate beds. Again you do that which works for your sitch.

Zephyr is correct, reflect and reassess after action.

V

[Zephyr]

true patience and thier stories are not inspirstional, but helpful with what you are going through.

This was meant to say, not only inspirstional. Ha, i hate autocorrect

So you are setting up some gal pal time this weekend, yay!!! Sounds absolutely perfect.

Hope you have a great time.

[Cherry]

Thank you guys, I think I'm doing too much over thinking, that's always been a problem of mine. And you're right that is the thought path of the was spouse before the bd or the a. And now I'm seeing how easily if you are unhappy it is to fall into that trap.

Yup out today, then got a sitter for baby and out tonight. I'm just trying to keep a level head. The first and foremost thought has to be what is going to be best for baby.