Back on these forums again 3

[Mona52]

I did it. Sort of

I bought the cutest pair of sneakers for 19 bux and a case to hold my phone for 4 bux. I hooked up my puppy to the leash and I made sure I stretched. I dont know what I stretched, I kinda raised my hands above my head and then tried to touch my nose to my knee. It looked like something a runner would do.

I ran a half of a block and my lungs were on fire. So we walked for a bit. I ran another half block when it was downhill on the way to the park. Yes, it is cheating, but it still burned.

I had dance music on and me and my puppy walked/ran all around the park. I looked ridiculous, in public, along a very busy road.

The park is 3 blocks away, downhill, and there is no possible way I could run there. So that will be my first goal. Run the whole way to the park.

It is no use giving me goals like 1 mile or 5 k, because I couldn't tell you how long a mile is running, even if I had an app, lol.

Now, I am going to keep my expectations at zero in the actual weight loss department, like PP suggested. I am not going to weigh myself in the morning like I always do.

I am going to eat my fruits and veggies, and I have a tiny portion of salmon I will eat for lunch tomorrow. And my goal for tomorrow is to run equally as far as I did today. I am not going to try and take this too fast. My lungs may not be able to handle it.

I never felt that dopamine rush I was hoping for. I guess I did not go far enough. Or maybe I finally ran out of dopamine. Jk..

[JksD]

Mona, you crack me up! Maybe I should start running too! The D diet is starting to lose its effectiveness and I have been giving in to the siren calls of the carbs. Bad carbs, bad bad carbs.

[mutatio]

One day you'll run up those stairs in Philly like Rocky and you won't need dopeofmine.

[JellyB]

Hi Mona

Back at the beginning of the year I used the Couch to 5k app on my phone to learn to run 5k. I did it. It tells you when to walk, when to Jog, and uses GPS to tell you how far you have gone and what time. I found it very motivating.

Good Luck!! You are amazing no doubt you can do it.

JellyB XXX

[Mona52]

Mona, you crack me up! Maybe I should start running too! The D diet is starting to lose its effectiveness and I have been giving in to the siren calls of the carbs. Bad carbs, bad bad carbs.

Bad and carbs should never be used in the same sentence. It is like an English grammer law...

[Mona52]

One day you'll run up those stairs in Philly like Rocky and you won't need dopeofmine.

Then I will run and get a cheese steak!

[Mona52]

Hi Mona

Back at the beginning of the year I used the Couch to 5k app on my phone to learn to run 5k. I did it. It tells you when to walk, when to Jog, and uses GPS to tell you how far you have gone and what time. I found it very motivating.

Good Luck!! You are amazing no doubt you can do it.

JellyB XXX

I just installed it. That oughta keep me on track. Thanks Jelly!

[Mona52]

I think today I will begin to dig into working through detachment. I hate this process... But I put it off too long.

Step one is to figure out how my R with my H is toxic. pfft... this part is easy

* H was emotionally unavailable to me
* H was overly dependent on me
* H had the power to impact my feelings about myself
* I was always the chronic fixer
* I feel obligation and loyalty to H that is too strong to let go
* I have fantasies that H will change and make everything all better
* H ignored all of my needs
* I allowed, and maybe encouraged H's bad behavior.

The next step is to replace that garbage with healthy, more rational feelings... Here is where it gets murky. Maybe if I do one at a time?

* H was emotionally unavailable to me
During the M, this is a problem, but the M is dead. My H's emotions are no longer my concern.
His last few text messages were full of depression. I can DO NOTHING to fix or even slightly help this. Unless he actually asks me for help, I can forget about his emotions guilt free.
If my H should ask me for help, I am still not responsible for helping him. Not anymore. I can offer advice on professionals that can help him, but I cannot take the responsibility for his emotions.

To deal with the guilt and fear I feel when I tell myself not to worry about my H's emotions, I will look at 2 specific positives in my life. I quit smoking and started running.

* H was overly dependent on me
This was toxic because it created MOUNTAINS of resentment in me. I needed a protector, a rock, a partner. Instead I got a H who stood directly on my head while I drowned.

H's will fall behind on his bills in less than 30 days. Christmas is less than 30 days.
I will have PLENTY of money this month to help him.

I am 60% sure I will be able to resist H. I am not 100% sure because I love him with my entire being and how can you sit by and watch a person you love get evicted on christmas??? But I am not helping him by helping him. I am controlling him and forcing him to assume the victim role that I HATE.
Also, I am not helping myself at all. The children need that money much more than H does. Emotionally I need to separate H's problems with my problems.

To combat helping H stay dependent on me, first I will look at the progress I have made in this area so far. I kicked him out. He cried that he had no where to go, but I kicked him out anyway. He found a way, all by himself.

He found his own place. He completely took advantage of my mom, but that is 100% out of my control. He got NOTHING from me.

Fear will overwhelm me that if he gets evicted he will hate me. Also, if he gets evicted, he will move to a different state with OW.

I was evicted twice last time he left me and the kids. It was my problem. If he gets evicted, it is his problem. If he moves in with OW, that is his decision, and I should support it because it will stop him from being dependent on me.

There is also a huge fear he will beg to come home because he has no where to go, but that is not what he will say. He will lie and say he wants to come home because he misses me...
For now, since this is not a problem, I need to ignore this fear because I do not have a solution.

* H had the power to impact my feelings about myself
I am not sure how to detach from this...

* I was always the chronic fixer
I still have this role, but I am only using it with the kids. I cannot, will not fix his issues. I still feel resentment and controlled by the fact that I have to solely fix 100% of the kid's issues because he refuses to help. But I cannot force him into taking this role. I can only control the role I play with him.

To help me stop each time I plan on fixing his issues, I will look at how hard I worked to fix my own issues. I will remember all the late nights studying flashcards with a sick baby in my arms. I will remember asking my boss for food so my kids could eat some nights. I will remember the pile of school loans I have to fix. That will overwhelm any problem he thinks he wants me to help with.

* I feel obligation and loyalty to H that is too strong to let go
Guilty as charged. No idea how to let this go yet.

* I have fantasies that H will change and make everything all better
Sometimes... But my fantasies all involve a better M. None involve him returning as-is. I need to remember specific ways I need to see changes in him before I would even consider allowing him back into my life. But these fantasies can prevent me from taking actions to make my life better if I allowed them to control me. For example, I could include him in future plans in the hopes that... I cannot do this. I need to exclude him from all plans. He can go make plans with OW.

* H ignored all of my needs
I can let go of this one. Because he is completely ignoring every need I have now, and that is just how it is.

* I allowed, and maybe encouraged H's bad behavior.
I think I am getting the point through to H that I wont stand for any of it anymore. He has stopped asking me for money or help. So he might be standing on his own 2 feet and developing better habits and behavior. But it does not matter if he is or is not. As long as I do not allow it, it does not matter who else might allow it.

[Mona52]

I did contact H this morning. He has not replied yet. I bought tickets to go out new years. I have three kids, so this will be the first new years I went out for in many years.

Now I need to find a place for my kids. My oldest (17) has a few choices, but she wants to stay home and invite her friends over our house.
My middle will probably want to go where ever her BF is, and I think she also wants o invite him to our house.

My youngest is 12... So he cant go with the girls if they go out. He can go to my sis's house. But I hate that idea so much.

My D is dead set on a party at our house, and it would be the safest place for my kids. So if I cant think of a better solution, I will not go out and stay home with my angels so she can have a party.

To be perfectly honest, this would not be a hardship for me.The only reason I want to go out so bad on new years is because the crowd I go out with Fridays nights are done by midnight every week. And I like to dance ALL NIGHT. So I will finally get the opportunity to really dance.

But it is very very very hard for me to imagine not spending new years with my children. I am ALWAYS with them.

Anyway... My D texted my H yesterday and asked if he could spend new years with them so she could have a party.

He replied "IDK, I might be going out myself."

I dont know does not really help me. I need an answer one way or another. I sent him a text and maybe I used too much guilt, but it is true:

Me: Please reconsider and give me new years. I take care of everything else alone. I don't ask you for help. Let me go out new years.


I feel guilty or pointing out that he is not helping in any way. But it is how I felt when I heard his IDK response so it is what I texted.

We will see how he replies.

[Mona52]

hey mona, there are tons of 'walk-to-run' style classes in my area where you go and sign up. they give you exact steps and training in a group of folks similar to you. my wife (who was 100# overweight) did this class and was able to finish a 5k race after 10 weeks. went with her, she did great, it was painful, but your mind is the biggest obstacle.

You can do this, if anything a treadmill at a gym with a schedule of how long to run - walk is a great way to do it too if you can't find a clinic around you.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Found a similar program on 'runnersworld' under the training section, getting started - the 8-week beginner's program.

give it a read.

Did I mention, YOU CAN REALLY DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Z! I was reading this yesterday as you were posting this Great minds...