I struggle with this so I am the wrong person to give you this advice, but you HAVE to let him fail. you have to let him be depressed. You should not talk to his mom, you will end up the bad guy in her eyes and his. Unless he is planning to harm himself or something. Financial self harm is his business.
My H destroyed my credit as well. Many times. Never again. The funny thing is before I kicked him out, I spent almost a year cleaning his credit. While he was online with OW, I was laying awake in bed worrying about his freaking FICO score.
But, I can honestly say I dont care one small, tiny bit about HIS credit right now. And it feels awesome!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Di-mond, I sympathize with you a lot. I tried so desperately to save H, that I hurt myself quite badly in the process. I nearly lost my mind trying to keep it all together, and he appreciates my help not one bit.
I'm done now. Everytime I help him, it causes me more harm. I'm bleeding, my kids are bleeding, it's time to just let it all go. It kills me, though. I see where his path is leading, and it breaks my heart.
My H is currently destroying my credit at a time I desperately need it to be good. In order to punish me, he's cut me off financially. I can't make payments on anything, and it's been 2 months now. I'll have to call all the companies tomorrow and see what I can work out. I thought he would come to his senses, but no. I will never be in the position again. Physically ill and financially helpless. I will do everything in my power to change this reality.
Our emergency hearing is January 6th. I can hardly wait!
It's ironic - H wants me to leave, get a job, move elsewhere - yet he is purposefully holding back that which I need to do those things: my car and money. Where does he think I'll get an apartment with ruined credit?
I hate this. I miss my old H so much it physically hurts. I've got so much to clean up now, thanks to him. I don't want to get depressed, but darn! This is hard.
I'm here with you, Di. Taking notes and following along!
Finally had an appointment with my IC last night. She did 2 MC sessions with H and I before he left in August.
I sounded better than I felt. I know in my head all the right things to say. Move forward. Work on myself. Let him go and work on himself. I am living my life without him, but so desperately wish I could live my life with him. My heart still aches for him. He still is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning.
One interesting question the IC asked me was: " What would you get out of being in a relationship with your H?"
That kind of stopped me in my tracks. In the beginning of our relationship, H gave me love and attention. Then life happened and everything shifted solely on him. His needs, his job or lack thereof, his feelings. If it wasn't about him, it wasn't important. At least that is the way it felt to me. Now, there is really nothing he gives me. Financially and economically he will always be a drain on me. He can barely take care of himself, let alone someone else. Not that I'm looking for someone to take care of me. I wanted a partner! Equal shares, give and take. I never got that with him. I gave and gave and gave and when I needed to take, he checked out.
Back to that answer. I told her, the way heis right now I would get nothing out of it. He is not capable of emotionally supporting me. She mentioned that the only thing that it would give me in his current state is to fulfill my caregiver role. My need to take care of him.
Needless to say, I'm seeing her again in January. I have some co-dependency issues to work out.
I really really love my H. I was married before and had a long term relationship, and I never felt this way before. I don't want to give up on my marriage. I truly believe that a higher power brought us together. Maybe it was to learn and change. I know if we both learn from this and better ourselves, then our marriage can be great. Unfortunately I can only work on myself. He is still lost in the dark.
Judy,
I gave and I gave to the point where my body gave out on me. My finances crumbled and it seemed hopeless at times. I'm on the up swing now. I had some very dark days and I'm sure there will be more. I'm fortunate that my H was never malicious and mean even in the worst of times. He just detached and withdrew into himself. As angry and hurt as I was, I understand him better now. I empathize and sympathize with his struggle, but am now removed from that.
I know things are difficult for you. You still live together, you have children together and the always present chronic illness overshadows everything.
Have you told him exactly what you said here? You want to move out, you want to get your own place, but he is preventing it. I hope your hearing goes well and you make it through the holidays unscathed.
On a positive note, plans have been confirmed for an early holiday celebration. H, his mom, my D and I are going to watch Star Wars on Monday and then head to Mandarin for dinner. A bit of geeky normalcy back into our lives. My D is apprehensive. She adored my
Rough day today. Too many people pulling at me. My son wanted help getting his snow tires. My daughter forgot to put time on her phone and wanted me to find her ID for the course she is taking. My BFF needed me to drive her husband to get her Christmas tree, my son's girlfriend picked up an extra shift and wanted me to babysit tomorrow morning. Got my washer and dryer, but can't hook it up because the water intake hose is seized on, need a plumber to come and fix it(tomorrow at 8 am).
I'm tired! All I can think of is being in my H's arms and feeling better, but he's not here. I get no emotional support from him. This [censored]!!!
Oh and the icing on the cake....my free consultation at a lawyer for the separation agreement cost $135 and the minimum charge for a simple separation agreement costs $1200. I really should go back to school and become a lawyer!!! That is insane. I'm going to do it myself! I will not pay that amount of money for something that takes less than an hour to do. Seriously going to look at some paralegal courses. I represented myself with the father of my kids for child support hearings and did my divorce on my own as well.
Bought a bottle of wine. I know I shouldn't, but I really want to. I start my anti-depressants tomorrow and then I really can't.
Oh joy....my H is going to his new jobs Christmas dinner tonight. He told me that no spouses were allowed. Grumble!!!!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Went to a tree trimming party at my BFF's house today. Took my mom. I usually don't like the quietness in my house, but after listening to 20+ teens and young adults all afternoon I'm really enjoying it. Did a little shopping with my mom after and dropped off Christmas decorations at my sons. It's time to pass the torch. No more decorating for me. I did buy a little tiny 1 foot tall fake tinsel tree. Good enough for me.
I'm on AD's now, so hoping they will even me out. Also set a quit date and started meds for quitting smoking.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
My boys and I put up a tree. It was just too weird NOT having one in the house for Christmas. None of us are exactly feeling the Christmas spirit at the moment, that's apparent. I'm the one at home with them, so I get the brunt of their unhappiness with the situation. Considering this is likely the last year I'll be living with my twins, I'm determined we're going to make the most if it, regardless.
Congratulations on quitting smoking! I smoked on and off, and this ordeal has seen me fall more than any other. I'm not smoking again, because it is absolutely the LAST thing I need to be doing, considering my heart, but man! Nothing seems to destress me with the same effectiveness as a cigarette. I'm prepared to be here and help you through it. It's the number one best thing you can do for your continued good health.
I had quit for two years before BD. A week after BD I started again and more than ever before. I had left work 3 days before BD on sick leave. I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm ready to quit again now. I know ai can.
Grlonfr,
Yes I was always the one there for everyone else. I worked full-time in a physically demanding job for 17 years and still did everything else for everyone else. I ran myself ragged until my body crashed. I guess people are still getting used to me not being able to help all the time. I am getting much better at saying no.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
