Thanks for the feedback. Looking at your signature I assume our sit are similar (age, living in same house, discovered timeline, W does not want S or D).
Originally Posted By: Maximus
When people say they are on a rollercoaster ride they mean it.
Complete agree. I have been on the rollercoaster of emotions and still on it; the turns are not as sharp and the drops not as drastic.
As for kids, I completely agree with you that I need to stop before I do/say something I will completely regret. I cannot relate to LBC. But I recall awhile back W asked me if it was better that we live together co-parenting or S (to model the way for kids not live in a lie where mom and dad are happy together). I remember thinking and still believe my kids don't care about how W or I feel.. all they care about is being together as a family and I heard them say that again during this last road-trip.
Originally Posted By: Maximus
We speak in mathematics, logic and equations, etc. They speak poetry, latin, etc. What we think should work generally doesnt if we think like a man
Completely agree and learned the hard way. Before this website I was the poster child for what NOT to do; laying out shemas and presenting facts. W did not like that but I did not understand (then I read the DB book and realized doing the things that don't work doesn't help.. I stopped).
Originally Posted By: Maximus
work on yourself for yourself you will see change
Agree, small positive changes with self improvement opportunities. Earlier this year I was doing well and that's when I saw a change in W (was not expecting it); but then I screwed up and everything feel apart. I need to get my self confidence back!!
Originally Posted By: Maximus
One final thing, she CAN stop him from texting her. It is called cuting ties and she could do that with a message or call
Yes, W even told me earlier this year when she acknowledged to A she said she was going to just stop talking to him and he would get the picture. But because she revealed the A she did not know what to do and was going to continue to talk to him. Fast forward and here I am..
Journaling. Yesterday evening after work W goes to get hair cut and I home with kids. S8 jumps on iPad (iPad account is under W appleID) to FaceTime with his friend and there I see it.. the OM name. She added his name to contact after I posted pictures of OM sext to W on blog. My emotional roller coaster cart went into a steep drop. I recovered but did not like the sudden drop.
Later that night, W ask if we could stand up aritfical Christmas tree. As we put up tree and hang some decor, S8 kid asked if some decor was real or fake. W responds they are fake. I chime in and say something like.. many things in this house, fake (in my mind I was making reference to MR.. thinking why are we having a Christmas party with friends when you are not here in the R.. yes in a way it is for the kids since it's kids' family friends.. but more for adults). W does not take the bait but after kids go to bed she said I know that remark about being fake was a sarcastic comment. Lately I seem to be unable to control my emotions.. I feel myself loosing control.
Journaling I have to pay bills and W has not contributed. She routed her paycheck to bank account she opened without me. She said because I cut her off from the other bank fund (cash savings) she needed to take care of herself financially.
My thought is OK then stop using my CC to buy stuff and pay for your own cell phone service. If I remove her from CC account and her number from cell services then what??.. she will get extremely upset.. and the vicious cycle/jabs continues.
If I drop her how can I enforce (get W to help cover) large expenses like home mortgage, property tax, insurance, etc? These things are joint (in both our names).. so she would get dinged but I don't want to get dinged myself.. W is a spender.. "budget" is not in her vocab.
Perhaps I have to tell her that we both need to stop the malicious jabs. No one wins. I never saw or experienced this from W before (waywardness.. is evil). My W having trouble with co-workers too. She told me the other day her defense is to be that sarcastic person on top and make life miserable for the other person.. I told her that's exactly what she doing to us (sound familar??)
Alternatively, if we could work on the financial piece together.. put things back the way they were.. builds trust.. something that we both do not have for each other (she said she cannot trust me being there for her emotionally and I can't trust that she is not in an A). Could this be a start? But all postings here say to "drop the rope". Dropping the financial rope could hurt me too.
Venting my frustration.. sitting in office at work thinking.. I want to slap my wife across the head (let me be VERY CLEAR.. I have NEVER physically hurt my W or ANY WOMEN.. so this is a figure of speech) to slap her out of this situation she has made for herself, me, us.. social/psychology is her domain.. NOT ME!!
She says I was not there for her for many years.. I get it and am honestly sorry and working to better myself. But she still in communication with OM at minimum.. so she is dragging me through HELL and we cannot fix (or start a new) MR until OM is out of pic.
I am working on self and GAL.. again I just venting =)
She shares her workday stories with me where kids are messed up and I think that is NOTHING. Hello?? Why can't you see what's in front of u and HELP me!! Example, she tells me kids these days cut themselves with razors along their bodies at times because they have emotional pain and that mental pain cannot be seen so they cut themselves. Hello?? Awhile back when I was messed up I told her and she recommended a psychologist because I shared that the pain I was having could only be comforted by the thought of death.. (death brought piece). I am over it but I am like this is your line of work.. HELP US <her name>!! Of course I realize this pain is mine NOT W's or ours.. it's mine alone.
Over weekend I reflect back a lot on my S and can see now how DB would have worked if I only knew of DB approach and technique (and was here on this message board) then.. what I know now.. DB would work! But given the vortex mess W and I are in together (2 years) and now I understanding and knowing W better.. (taking into account DB approach of little changes and taking note).. I am beginning to wonder if dropping the rope on her is in my favor.
I am completely against being W's doormat but if we continue to tease apart daily financials the big things are still there and she can't cover her monthly expenses. She works and makes good salary but spends above her income. Lawyer shared that our stuff is joint in M so if I cut off financial support (aka drop the rope here) it impacts me and my kids too.
As individuals (W and I) do not want to move out, separate, divorce.. etc. But I cannot continue like this.. it simply is eating at me. GAL is absolutely necessary but I wonder if working towards a common ground together is more beneficial. For example, she shared she cannot trust me, that I will be there emotionally to support her; of course she is referring to the old me. I cannot trust her; she is still in communication with OM even though she tells me she does not want to be with him. Common ground, build trust in each other and start with the financials.. $$ is just the means to an end (my wants). My end (my wants) is happiness (not $$ in a bank account).
Earlier this week she showed me an email, the high school she attended asking if she and a handful of her classmates who live in the area were free for dinner; a representative from the high school was out here (probably fundraising). So yesterday, W went to this "dinner" directly from work and came home at midnight.
I think I mentioned that the OM was my S10 baseball coach but did I mention OM is also her high school classmate?
My sit is making me crazy!! I cannot focus on work.. kids.. what is happening to me?!?
W is GAL. Example, she never would go out on a week night (aka homebody) and to stay out past 10pm was rare; she came home at 11:50pm last night. (I was up because my kids are coughing with a cold so it kept me up).
She does many of the things suggested here that a LBH should do with a WW.
Let me clarify that W is DB'ing me while being cold and disrespectful. I honestly do not know how much of this I can endure. I had been moving towards GAL but recently slipped back with all the recent events and it weighing me down.
Yesterday, I heard my S8 ask his best friend on FaceTime. "Would you be sad if your parents D"? A child would only ask that question if he felt something or was exposed to it. Don't get me wrong W is a great mom just awful W.. and its killing me inside.
She said everything works but the MR.. so true.
I am falling apart 1 foot in detaching and the other foot in "let's work it out". Wish I could completely detach and be like those macho men and say "screw you W I going do what I want".
"Let me clarify that W is DB'ing me while being cold and disrespectful. "
I'm not sure what's bothering you. In fact, it seems like you're the one who keeps bringing up the OM with your jabs. If you want to be the better man, then stop getting into a p*ssing contest with him.
If your W is blatantly contacting him, then pack up her stuff and drop it off at his home if it bothers you so much. These petty jabs don't do anything for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
