Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for your insights and thoughts. I really appreciate it.

Vanilla, thank you for further flushing out detachment for me. This is literally the hardest concept I've ever had to experience working through. its so crazy how hard it is. I would hope that it gets easier as time goes on... But expanded time is what makes me want to hold tighter. such a vicious cycle and something I want to work on for myself.


I went to a great holiday party yesterday. It was hard to be there single (I wished I was there with h), but I made the most of it. Even got a hotel room so I wouldn't have to drive home. It was nice, I looked good, and the hotel placed a beatiful charcuterie board and bottle of wine in the room and it was waiting for me when I got back after the party. That was depressing and reminded me of how lonely I am right now... Even though I'm really not alone. Maybe this is why my patience is being tested too. I am feeling myself spinning a bit more as more time goes by.

I went on FB and saw that h was right down the street for a mutual friends bday party. More than anything I wanted to invite him over... But then was like, why?!?! He has no interest in me! None! I feel like I haven't peaked his interest at all since we've been separated. That's hard to write out here... Makes me feel a bit pathetic. Oh well... Thats why detachment is key. I need to stabilize myself and focus on creating a happy and healthy life for myself.

Thanks again for the comments and insights. We'll all push through.

[gonegrl]

Feyth, I am glad you had fun. I went to a holiday party last night too, with my H, but barely exchanged words with him. It sounds like you had more fun than I did.

I like Vanilla's description of detachment, it is helping me too. I don't have much to add, just want to empathize with you and offer my support. And, for what its worth, you didn't say anything bad about the IL's. No, it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine, but you sound honest and you sound like you care about them, I wouldn't think you were speaking unkindly of them.

[Vanilla]

The irony about detachment is the harder we work at it then the more elusive it gets!

Detachment happens if you relax into your sitch, do that which works for you and let go of the outcome that gives.

So in your sitch if you had decided idea I will invite WH for a drink, then it doesn't matter if the answer is yes or no, you will be ok either way.

Another, you go to the hotel, you know you will be alone and it's ok if you are. If you stay home that's ok, you may avoid the pain of being alone but you miss the party. You detached went to the party because it was the better choice for you irrespective of being alone.

The worst has already happened in your sitch, you are sacked as the wife, and you will be ok if DB works, you get a new M and also you will be ok if you move on too. That's detaching, hence working DB, Sandi guidelines is easier because you can more clearly evaluate that which works for you.

You may not want to move on but that is ok as a choice. Detaching is a no loose choice at this stage for you and the better option.

The reason detachment is so good is because you can adjust that which works for you more easily. You chose for you by letting go of your emotion of WH reaction and the outcome. If what you do is the best for Feyth then it must be the better option.

That is how I understand detaching and how I work it.

V

[Vanilla]

Apologies fat finger!

Rest of post

Sweetheart, you don't need to do anything at all, ever, you can choose to detach, you can choose to let go. Change the must and should to choose and you can feel much better. There will be less resistance. Ever noticed if someone tells you that you must then you may not want to and get petulant.

Instead make a choice, ok if you do and ok if you don't! It's a choice that you can say to yourself "I choose to detach and let go"

I think choosing makes detaching easier.

V

[Pax_luv]

Thank you for the insights vanilla. You and I haven't connected directly much- as I'm more of a lurker here, but I know so many people truly value your opinion/experience/ words and I thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. I've read your statements many times through and am digesting them. thanks again.

[Pax_luv]

Hello- just journaling-
I spent three days this week feeling nothing really for h. I had to question myself- do i just not care anymore, are my feelings gone, is this detachment??? For the first time today, I felt no trepidation about the dog swap.... That is until h texted me this am. 1) he said good morning (that's a first!) 2) he said I hope your back is feeling better (that's a first, too! I had tweaked it on Monday)... And I actually had a physiological reaction- my heart kind of fluttered a bit. Dang- guess that means I am 100% the opposite of detached. In time it is getting easier, but he certainly seems way more detached than I am these days. The purpose of the text was to tell me that he's researching new car insurance. I was surprised he didn't push for me to get off his plan- but no guessing or mind reading.

Limbo is hard, but I am truly grateful for this opportunity to develop myself and really figure out what I want for my life. The gift of time..I would be a fool to not take advantage of this period in my life.

Anyway, dog swap went well, we chatted for a bit. Pleasant- nothing earth shattering. He had a fire going in the fireplace- wish I still lived there to enjoy it. I had a party to go to tonight, but opted for some take out pf changs and dog snuggles instead. So I will be resting tonight and forcing my brain to think of other things other than h. Easier said than done.

[pinn]

There ya go Feyth!! We are at the same point but at least we have time to focus on ourselves! Keep up the good attitude... dog snuggles are always good right?!?

[Pax_luv]

To health and happiness.

This evening I had a dinner program with a bunch of physicians whom I work with. I've been working with a physician consultant to work on some communication skills amongst physicians- deep/ heavy communication skills- not just the basics. This has been an ongoing effort and I have learned so much for myself just by being a part of the sponsorship of the program. Truly, it has helped me immensely over the last 6 months. Anyway, tonights program was about difficult conversations and many of the physicians had to share their recent experiences- all very serious patient experiences and I just found myself so overwhelmed with emotion. So many people are going through situations far worse than myself... Their loved ones are dying tragic deaths, or worse, slow painful deaths. I heard of one woman who was inconsolable after learning her husband just had days to live- her crying out, "we were supposed to be together forever." Ugh- so painful. It really puts things in perspective... I feel foolish for feeling mopey for my sitch. At the end of the day, I don't have it bad AT ALL. Not in the least- I even consider myself lucky. Geez, time to make new gratitude reflections, Feyth.

With that, the consultant I work with is a well known physician (been on tv, etc) and she's pretty inspiring- very much a female warrior! She asked me about my plans for the holidays and we got into my marital status. She knew I was married, but stopped wearing my rings recently. She gave me a stern talking to about "waiting around for h". Imploring me to move on.... "And if h comes around and realizes what he is missing, then I can worry about it then." Until then, there is no use wasting my time worrying about someone who doesn't want to be with me. Yep, I totally get it... And isn't this was DBing is all about? This is why gal is so important and refocusing my energies on myself. Ahhhh- got to get through this. I will be ok- I am ok.

Ok- enough jabbering. Have a good one!

[Ancaire]

Good for you, Feyth! We both know some things are easier said than done, but it sounds like you're at a great point of awareness. I am so happy for you.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you Ancaire! I hope you are doing well.

Over the last few weeks, the emotional tides have been shifting. I still miss my h and our m, but I definitely feel like I have gotten stronger. It's weird to know that something has truly shifted in me. So weird actually. I feel different and even look different to me- I am a totally different person than I was 6-7-8 months ago... And I know more is to come. (I also know emotions ebb and flow... So I'm not out of the woods at all in terms of heartache), but I'm certainly not feeling stagnant.

Take care- be well!