Kudos to you Pinn for continuing your interests after BD! It's tough to keep those things going that we've shared with our spouses.
Anyway, yesterday, I had a DB coach session and it just allowed my mind to fixate on my H and our situation yesterday. Not in a totally sad/negative way, but he just got into my brain and stayed there ALL DAY.. and he's still here!
With my SIL in town, it just brings up my relationship with my in-laws. I have no idea what H has told them or continues to tell them. It's just sad because I am a very family oriented person and for some reason I feel very strongly about wanting to let them know that this isn't my decision. I have no desire to actually reach out, but it's more of self-righteous feeling because I think they have a different perspective than what's actually going on. In the beginning, H wanted us to talk to my parents to tell them we have made the mutual decision to split. I, of course, did not go along with that because it wasn't accurate.
When it came to his family, when H told them his vresion of our separation, the first thing my FIL said was, are your finances protected? H had the nerve to tell me this... I get it, his F is trying to look out after his S, but he is selfish and greedy, manipulative, and he was an abusive alcoholic to my H when he was younger. (my H is dealing with childhood/ father issues right now as part of his current state). Anyway, it was just so insulting to me because it's like, Don't they even know me? Don't they know that I'm a good person who loves their son unconditionally and am doing everything possible to work on our M? I have been a lovely DIL and put up with their games with sheer grace... and this is what I get? I don't even know if they asked or cared-how's Feyth doing with all of this?
Then there's my SIL... I tried reaching out to her and she didn't think it was a good idea to speak with me. It's just sad to reach out and get rejected even though she was making it clear she didn't feel it was appropriate since my H is her brother.
I don't know what they know, but it just makes me feel not good about myself or any future with him/them. I've been pretty quiet about my sitch with my family as I would never bad mouth my H even in our worst of times. If he ever decides to reconcile, I don't want to be an issue ... and my family hasn't said a negative word about him either.
I dont know if anyone is telling him to move on, he's better for it Or stick it out. In the beginning, he had one friend who was encouraging him to work on it, and H replied, "i'm just not the type of person who should be married." Then his aunt (they've fallen in and out grace with eachother) told him to be careful because their family has a tendency to throw people away. H never shared his comments on what he said in reply to that.
Anyway, those thoughts had me up all night last night... just circling around the dynamic... feeling snubbed that I haven't had the opportunity to share "my side". I just want to say, I'm working on this people. I own my behaviors in the marriage and am actively working on improving them and haven't lost sight of wanting to be married to H but Im not the one who left... I'm not the one who's given up. Ack- just have to STFU... can't worry about them or their perception of me. I just have to keep being the best person I can be and not let outside influences affect me.
That's it for now. Wanted to get it out of my head so maybe I can focus on more productive things like laundry and vacuuming.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
wow...feels weird to post negatively about my inlaws. I never ever speak poorly about people or behind their backs. Could this be a 180 in the wrong direction? Ha! Anyway, obviously those negative thoughts have been swirling in my brain... maybe its a good thing to let them out! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, everyone!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hello, Just journaling- I have decided to reach out to a couple divorce attorneys for consultation. I have asked for references for kind and compassionate lawyers who won't pressure me! I just want to protect myself and know what my rights are in the long run. I have zero-zero-zero desire to file, but I also don't want to be in the dark. I mean... I know now I should have never left my house and I'm not sure what implications would come of that. At the time, I thought I was doing a noble and honorable thing by respecting my h's desire for space. Pfffffttt. I'm smarter and stronger now at least.
Anyway, we'll see what comes of that. Feels very surreal and a bit scary (even though i know I will be fine). Weird.
Hope you're having a good day!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Incredibly expensive. I feel like we have not even started to do some of the harder stuff and I am almost through my retainer. Ugh!! It is kind of disgusting.
Last edited by BT13; 12/03/1504:32 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Feeling a little out of sorts today- I just started seeing a new IC after quitting my old IC- h had been seeing old IC before BD and started seeing her again recently.... And she kept slipping with some biases and sharing info that I did not share with her. I felt it best to move on because I didn't feel like I was getting genuine guidance.
This new IC wants to help me with whatever way I decide, especially when it comes to my relationships. If I want to hold out hope and work on the m, she'll help with that. If I want to move on completely, she'll help with that too. I shared with her about how I am following DB which shadows MWDs training with solutions focused brief therapy... The IC is familiar with sfbt, but she does not agree with my actions while following the LRT. She thinks I need to talk with h and really bring things to the surface, but I just don't know!!!! This could make things worse! As any well-meaning therapist would agree, it's important to talk about issues.... But I know H isn't ready or willing to go there at all.
Which brings me to my next issue- h and I are amicable and kind every time we see each other (about 1 minute each week for dog swap). I have been busting my booty galing and becoming a more compassionate and free spirited person and yet he consumes so much of me still. I'm still having a really hard time detaching. Like most people here I'm so afraid of his next actions and maybe it's because we are cordial to eachother that I feel like maybe something is still there? Or maybe nothing is there at all because there is no fiery passion which allows him to be pleasant towards me. I don't know, but I do know that I'm having a hard time of letting go out of fear. Fear that once I let go, it's gone for good.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Feyth, I am so sorry for your struggles as I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am SO SCARED of making a mistake that will end my marriage that I just seem to be frozen. I don't make any moves at all! All I do is read self help books, read online information, talk to people, go to IC....but, when it comes right down to it, I'm so afraid that I just can't seem to make a decision on the right way to handle things. It has been over 2 weeks since I've seen or talked to him. I feel like I'm going crazy over here. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering if he's thinking about me. I wish I had some advice for you, but I can't even make a decision for myself so I would really hate to mess things up for you too! Good luck with everything, keep your head up and keep us posted. Michaele
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Hi Feyth, I recall reading somewhere in the MWD books - watch out for the therapist who wants you to open up with H and talk about everything - you may be able to do that at some point, but now's not the time. Maybe find that section, discuss it with your IC and seek her support for your DB efforts?
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I can so relate to this ....I am at the point where part of me wants to hang on still keep in the house separation going and a part that is getting closer to making the decision to try to move forwards
I am thinking of you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Frankly I am definitely not keen on IC1, and I have doubts about IC2.
This is your sitch and no one can tell you what to do. No IC can put a strategy that you have to adopt, sounds like the right IC hasn't been interviewed yet. If your current strategy is working then why change it? why not develop it?
My main comment would be more detachment. You can read about detachment, but it isn't about being unattached. You can still stand.
It is about doing that which works for you, irrespective of any effects. It is letting go of any outcome with H and working for you. It isn't about moving on.
Another misnomer if I may. Letting go is stopping another's behaviour from driving your emotions. Imagine two people with a rope doing a tug of war over a deep well, if you let go neither will fall in. Another example is being dragged water skiing behind a speed boat driven by a madman. That is why the image of the lighthouse is so strong.
Letting go and detaching will put you more in control of you.
It takes back your power for you. It can release your fear.
This fear is absolutely OK by the way, it's your feeling, don't deny it to yourself. If you face the very worst that can happen, feel and walk to the pain, it can be very liberating and put the fear in perspective. The pain is the absolute worst, a good IC can help you with this.
100% where you need to be at this moment. Absolutely.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/06/1508:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
