Here we are

[Rick1963]

I agree with BA that it is a process. It is almost 5 years for me and at times I still grieve the loss of my family. So take the necessary time that you need to heal. There is no rush.

[Maybell]

Claire, I've been giving this some thought and here's what I've got:

It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.

When I came here, I wasn't there yet either. In fact, Betsey was concerned about how angry I was with him. I think now a lot of that is subsiding. The lifting of the uncertainty was a big part of that -- once I knew where I would live, and how I would live, I felt significantly calmer and thus needed to lash out against him less. You're still in the thick of the negotiations, so it stands to reason that you're going to be really angry/hurt/resistant until you're settled.

Besides getting my life in order, a huge help to me in settling into being happier after the divorce was the trip to Paris. It was the sort of thing I would have completely brushed off before the divorce. It was absolutely terrifying. And then, when I got there, it was glorious: not only because I was in PARIS, but also because when I wanted to do something, and my friend didn't, I went ahead and did it anyway. That was huge. It was scary, but it felt so indulgent and unmartyr-like, and I realized that my whole life could be like that, now that I'm not saddled with Mr. "I Don't Want to Plan Ahead." It was very healing.

And I don't want him back, but I can't bring myself to say I want to be D either. Being a single mom is hard. I miss his family and feel so betrayed by them as well. I care about what is going on with his gf WAYYYYY more than I should. And I still have a lot of anger. But every time I imagine telling him how I feel, it just sounds so pathetic and lame.

This I don't expect to ever go away. I worked harder at my relationship with his family than he ever did. I have gotten over wondering about the gf, mostly. She's walking away from a cheater who broke her heart, into the arms of a cheater who will break her heart (if she doesn't break his first). I told a friend, I sympathize, she was hurt, but at some point we have to find our inner Wonder Woman and embrace mightiness. Part of finding your inner Wonder Woman is realizing that if anything you said to him mattered, he would never have left in the first place. So write all the letters you need to, and envision how you'd like him to respond to them, and then laugh at what he's missing out on.

For what it's worth, I've written a LOT of letters to God asking for the qualities I need to move through this experience. It helps.

And even many of the single mom friends I've made are now dating someone. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not ready to date-- and afraid of dating just so I won't feel lonely. That's what got me into this situation in the first place.

I signed up for Match on impulse. It has been WEIRD. I have made a connection (very early days) that has freaked me out a lot and it's taken some time to figure out why. I thought I was ready, but when the rubber hit the road I did panic. It was my married friends who helped me process through why that would be, and who reminded me that this is supposed to be fun, not something I do to fill a need. Any time it stops being fun, then I either talk to the person involved and evaluate based on their response, or I take a time out. I'm finding my power again (or maybe for the first time).

We've been through all this together almost from the beginning and it's interesting to me how our experiences have mirrored one another, but sometimes intertwining on when we get there. I think you're going to get there, but you're going to need to make a strategy for how you're going to do it. Maybe once per day, make a note of something you GET to do now that you're single that you would not have been able to enjoy married? And then after a few weeks, make it two things you're grateful for, etc.

Hugs to you, Claire. It is unjust. But it IS.

[Underdog]

Claire,

December is also the anniversary of my own bomb. I know it, and 12 years later, still don't like knowing I remember it and it just is what it is.

This journey is along a continuum. It's not linear and sometimes it's not even logical. The holidays are bound to stir up those feelings of abandonment and despair.

That being said, I recommend a healthy dose of looking at it through a new pair of glasses. It will help you and your D if you can see things through the lens of "what I have" instead of "what I don't have". It's living in an abundant mindset. You may not have a H, but you have lots more that you didn't have back then. Maybe focus on those things that you love about your life and let everything else sit on a low back burner?

I know when my girls were younger, I tried to create new traditions along the way - mix things up. I did it more for myself than them. It just kept my perspective a little more fresh?

About loneliness. I learned the hard way (time) that it's all about me. You can be with people and lonely too. Maybe give yourself a Christmas present this year - something that you've always wanted to do but haven't had resources to make it work? Maybe self imposed limits prevent you from giving to yourself. Once I started to nurture that part of my own growth, the loneliness really dissipated. It's not to say that sometimes I don't wish for companionship when it's not available. I do. But the deep loneliness has flown away because I'm now my own best friend. I give me what I'd give someone else. And I appreciate it too!

Sorry if this is a bit cheesy. But sometimes the answers are found in the cheesy things in life.

It's December 1st. Declare it "I LOVE CLAIRE Month" and give yourself a bucket list of Christmas joy. Doesn't that sound more fun that wishing someone else would give it to you?

Heck, I think I might make it I love Betsey month here too. It sounds like a great idea LOL.

Hugs!
Betsey

[SunnyB]

All good advice, Claire, of course.

I don't want to be D, either, Claire. My new job has given me a different perspective of myself, they don't know anything about Mr. Perfect, about my M, about my D. They see me as a single mom, which is true, but I find a hard label to accept. But I absolutely don't want to be M to Mr. Perfect anymore, hands down, if he wanted me back I'd say no without a second's hesitation. And so I see "single mom" as a temporary status, one that gets me where I'm going. In a year I might feel differently, might embrace "single mom" as who I want to be. But for now, it helps to see it as a stepping stone to the love of my life. I can't find him if I'm still M to Mr. Perfect.

Other than my rambly paragraph, I'll just wish you a great weekend, Clarie, and say I'm thankful for you and for MB and for Betsey and so many others over here on Surviving.

[claire7]

It's taken me a while to get some emotional and mental space to reply. I'm continually blown away by the generosity of time and spirit within this community. SunnyB, Underdog, Maybell, Rick1963 and others who replied with such compassion and wisdom-- I am humbled and grateful.

So, while my stbx is in my home putting my D to bed (which is entertaining because she is EXHAUSTED and he is clearly trying hard to not lose it in front of me), I thought I'd make a list of things my almost-divorce have brought me:

1) I can now get dressed in my room with the light on and not worry about making the slightest noise that would wake up my stbx.
2) I can sit in the evening quietly, and watch whatever I want on TV without worrying that I am not entertaining enough for stbx. I am an introvert whose job requires her to interact in an intensive way with people ALL DAY. I need quiet time at the end of the day to recharge.
3) No need to buy him gifts!
4) Nobody snoring next to me. Soooo loudly.
5) No more being grossed out by his hygiene/habits
6) No need to wash 5 different pots and pans unless *I* decide to cook a complicated meal.
7) THREE NIGHTS OFF from bedtime routine every week! (That's up from ZERO pre-BD.)
8) One morning to sleep in every weekend! (Up from zero pre-BD.)
9) No more constant family obligations all the time. Now I only have obligations to my own family, and I can set boundaries with them.
10) Regular, predictable, and lengthy time to myself. It's funny-- stbx used to say he missed going out all the time and staying out late once we had D4. I missed having entire days to myself. I'm an introvert, and I realize now that I need time to recharge... I never, ever had that once we had a baby, and I was drowning.

[Underdog]

Claire,

My own personal gratitude list also included some of the same things as yours. What's sad is that we didn't actually *ask* for those things while we were married. I know I was hauling around a load of society-laden guilt, living in a world cloaked by the nasty word, "should". I stuck to the martyrdom complex pretty tightly, and found it completely liberating to admit that I was human and needed those things too.

BTW, I'm an extrovert, and my job requires interaction with people. I love that part of my job. But when I come home, I become an introvert. In order to stay energized outside the home, I need serious battery recharging by unplugging from the world when I have downtime. I'm not at all unhappy about that discovery, and I refuse to feel guilty for needing those things to stay balanced.

What I find interesting is that my XH became a serious extrovert after he left. He's got the same tendencies as I do, but he overrides them to assuage his loneliness. I was always the one pestering him to go out with me and do things. And now I've become the hermit. Weird.

I hope you can connect the dots here. Now you know your needs, and it's really important to make sure that YOU meet them. Others can't read our minds, so we must learn how to speak up lovingly.

You go, girl!

Hugs,
Betsey

[Ggrass]

Well I'm and extravert who needs alone time.

I lived an isolated childhood and once and adult I liked being home alone on the farm.
I don't need too much input to be happy on the farm. I could never leave if money came to me, but alas it doesn't and so I have to ramp it up and go to work with there sort of people (the general public) who suck the stuffing right out of you.

You need to care and validate without inhaling (my thought for not taking their stuff emotional and pyscial on board at your cost) to much of their crapola. Then problem solve if they need it.

While I am slightly better at setting a limit and doing it db style I'm not there yet and I suspect its long life journey to learn it.

[Rain75]

Hi Claire....thanks for the gentle 2x4 on my thread. Im so sorry you are here. But reading this thread it really comes through what an amazing woman and mom you are.

I know you are having a tough time and that it s ucks. Yet you are also grateful for everything good even the little things and for that i want you to know how inspiring you are

And that through all of this you still helped me by sharing a bit of your story shows how giving you are.

I wish you and your daughter the very best and pray you find complete peace and happiness without a thought to him or the gf.

Best of luck to you,
Rain

[claire7]

It's my daughter's birthday. I'm so lucky to be her mama. I went through some very dark times in the last 5 years, but there is light in my life now, and a hopeful future. She is my greatest accomplishment, my dream come true. I got to cuddle with her and remember the night of her birth (it was actually very traumatic and stressful, but I didn't tell her that part), and tuck her in. Her presents are wrapped, streamers up, and chocolate chip pancakes on the menu for the morning.

I think it is a great sign that my daughter was born on the darkest night of the year... the night that reminds us that tomorrow will be a little brighter, that the nights will be a bit shorter from now on.

Betsey and Ggrass and Rain, thank you for your words that give me such comfort and strength.

[Underdog]

Merry Christmas, Claire! You deserve a peaceful and joyful holiday, and it sounds like you have one in store. So glad you know what's important and articulate the gratitude for it. You're a good egg.

I don't know if you have read any of Cheryl Richardson's stuff, but she's all about self care. I love her. She is also a guest at the I Can Do It workshops (I went to one in 2014, and it was awesome) and she has a website. You might enjoy her touch of grace cards. They're affirming and positive. I can't make any specific recommendations here, but anything of hers would be awesome. Also Marianne Williamson. They make my heart feel grounded.

Have a wonderful day with your D4!

Betsey