So it looks like I'm back here

[Cherry]

What I want to do in relation to just myself right? Like separate to my relationship

[Zephyr]

Yes, for now just whst you would like to do for cherry to start living your life and getting a hold of your self and happiness.

We can work on goals next week, self improvement and relationship goals.

First thing first is learning to live with a new mindset, one where we no longer NEED our spouse to be responsible for all of our needs towards happiness.

[Cherry]

Ugh that's a tricky one.. Some days I can think that- but it still hurts like absolute hell.

It's hard when he is just so up and down, like some days anger and then other days he might talk to me in a friendly way and actually volunteer stories of his day without me asking. It's like they give you a glint of hope to keep you interested!

[Zephyr]

Ugh that's a tricky one.. Some days I can think that- but it still hurts like absolute hell.

It is going to hurt for some time. How do we manage that? Do we wit around and wallow, or get depressed and withdraw from yhe rest of our life - OR - do we grab that life by the scruff of the neck, and say i am not going to let this define who i want to be. I want to live and be happy no matter what is swirling around me, no mater what this $hit is not going to destroy me.


It's hard when he is just so up and down, like some days anger and then other days he might talk to me in a friendly way and actually volunteer stories of his day without me asking. It's like they give you a glint of hope to keep you interested!

Yes, for sure this is hard. That is not a good reason to not keep moving. It is not a good excuse for us to stop living our lives.

I think you are at a crossroad here
..not one where you have to decide hat you want to do with your marriage, (i think it is way to early for that) rather how this is going to define you.

Is cherry going to embrace this challenge and start truely living her life or is she going to allow all of this pain to bring her down and dim her light.

Are you going to choose towards being a happy, self-loving person despite this bullshit with your husband or are you going to let despair rule u and drag you down into the pit?

Btw, keep venting here - please dont interpret my ramblings that way...no problems with that...this IS the place for venting.

[Cherry]

Thanks zephyr..
Had an ok day- lots to do though- non of which for me.. Had a mental toddler all day keeping me on my toes. Me and h were supposed to go out. He gets in touch to say he will be late home tonight. I message back to say is there any time frame? And are we still going out.

I get no response. Yes I know, I'm having to many expectations. But I am just angry, real angry.

Zephyr it makes sense, and I can see me getting there- just. Feel overwhelmed with emotions right now.

I think the fact I'm having trouble is showing, I've had a few male friends trying to play shoulder to cry on.. And in a way, I see how easy it is for a hurt spouse to fall into an affair trap.. I dunno what to do here.. I haven't disclosed anything, but sometimes I feel it's obvious.. Maybe the safest thing is to distance

[Cherry]

Oh hey insomnia.. How nice of you to show up again!

So some nights it's real difficult to get to sleep unless I knock out. Went out with h, I was in high spirits (partly faked, but also partly to I got some nice clothes out, did hair and make up, and I looked good- or at least I felt it) .. I noticed many a lingering look from h, as well as other men.

But my goal is make me happy, and a big goal is to get my confidence back, stop looking at the ground. And I'm getting good, I find myself looking people in the eye more, and smiling. And it makes me happy.

I have a busy day planned in tomorrow, meeting a few girlfriends.

So h is still rather quiet, but also- even though he's being a douche, I see him doing a few showy off kinda tricks like he used to when he was trying to get me interested when we first met.

It does concern me that "friends" offering sympathy and the "I know something's wrong, when you want to talk I'm always there for you". And by friends I mean close male friends. I haven't said anything, I didn't think I hinted it. It does worry me that if I'm feeling vulnerable I will talk, and I know that's how A's begin.

Trying to put my child at the forefront of my mind. And protect, protect against all this going on. I can't crack to depression, or self pity- that isn't the woman I invisioned me to be as a child. And I need to stand up, brush off my shoulders and do what I gotta do.

[Fogg]

Its good you can recognize how A's start instead of trying to justify talking to the male friends. I would be very careful with the male friends and avoid crying on their shoulder or sharing too much. When our emotional needs aren't being met by our S and someone else begins to fill them it can be an incredible rush.

Some article I was reading compared it to how good a day old hamburger would taste to a starving man.

[Sotto]

Hi Cherry, yes I would stay away from those guys who will offer a lovely young (and married) woman a shoulder to cry on. Best to cry on female shoulders and build female friendships as this stage...

That was a good post above and I like the part where you said you are not the woman you envisioned you would be as a child. So who is 'she' (the woman you envisioned?) What does she like doing? Who with? How does she feel?

I can already see you taking steps to reclaim sassiness. That's good progress amidst your disappointment of what has recently happened in your M. Sassy and confident is so much more attractive than clingy and sad - to you and to your H!

Stay on your path my friend - you are doing well xx

[Cherry]

Thanks guys, I thought so. I guess it's just nice to hear people be positive of me for once. But, again, I understand this is exactly how people fall into the A trap. And what I really want is my h to be saying these things.

I always pictured me as a strong woman, a woman who has a career and a family- doesn't really need a man, but is with him because she wants to be. This is a sense where I am. Though somehow along the way, I seem to have made my h responsible for all my happiness. Yeah push comes to shove, I probably could pull myself up out of the wreckage. But it would hurt, more than anything.

He's just so distant. It's like having someone so near yet so far.

[Zues126]

For what it's worth I don't view 'not needing a man' as a virtue or sign of strength. Maybe but not exactly.

On the one hand I think it is incredibly important to be able to be appreciative and happy with whatever life you get. If you are with an H that walks away, or if you become widowed, etc, then I think it is good to not 'need a man' because you would need to step up for your family and God would want you to appreciate the life you have.

Bottom line, anyone who could casually shrug off a WAS would seem as sociopathic to me as someone whos child was lost that said "that's ok, I'm strong, I don't need a child".

On the other hand for many folks when the lack of need turns into not being willing to accept less than they feel they are entitled to they use this 'strength' to become WAS's, perpetuating destruction all over the place because of their selfishness.