no clue where Wife is, cant see past the FOG

[AJM]

Irish, I think you are seeing the pattern but not yet accepting it. Bipolar (other psych issues too?) runs in the family.

MLC is usually about dealing with the past issues you've put off. What you describe seems a bit different.

That's not to say she won't find a way. If your D's stay away long enough, it almost becomes like a stand off. Until somebody gives in. My guess is your W has the compelling reason to overcome her past actions and reach out to them. She's still fighting it and may continue to for a long time. Your D's, like you, want a different outcome.

If and when your W reaches out to them, if sincere and heartfelt, they'll be receptive after testing her. Don't worry about that.

That's a long way off most likely. Very long. For now, the family mourns. And hopes silently. Individually. Quietly.

It'll play out as it is going to. You know your part is to be the parent. To live a good life. Be a good father and man. Your D's know their parts (similar to yours.) Only one other needs to play their part until its done.

Peace,

AJ

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, I think these are wise words from AJ (AJ, I so appreciate your posts & what you post often stays with me - thank you for your wisdom.)

Your W may be having an MLC, it may be a mental health episode. We can't really be sure and it is best to keep an open mind I think.

I think what is clear is that from her end, something is significantly out of balance. I don't believe you lose all contact with your nearest and dearest unless that is the case. But I too believe that will run it's course and she will want to rebuild things with them - and perhaps with you too? But that may or may not happen soon, we just don't know. So for now what is, is - and acceptance of her chosen path is the best way I think. She is doing what she feels she needs to do for herself at this point.

It sounds as though your are blessed with two lovely daughters who understandably mourne the loss of their Mum. They won't ever forget that you were there for them when they truly needed this. And hopefully in years to come, things will be restored with their Mum and they will understand and forgive what has happened.

For now, what AJ wrote about 'your part' resonated so much with me and I think that is the right path to follow.

Take care my friend xx

[Irish M]

Hi AJ and Sotto

So good hearing from you both. This forum without support from amazing souls such as you would of faded out long ago.

Mental issues do run in the family. I do see that in my W but I also see her in MLC. Maybe a cocktail of both. W's family told me all they wanted to but many stories are still kept hidden in their closet.

Don't get me wrong I'm still standing. Love the person my W was. I am open for a new relationship with her. Now knowing this about her , I will be a more understanding husband and help her regain herself. If she wants me too.

Yes I have amazing daughters. I went to their parent-teacher interviews at their school yesterday. W did not show up.
Every teacher told me that the girls were more serious about their work, polite in class, no more attitude, better friends etc

Most of them know about my W. The girls have shared this with them. I had one teacher cry when I met her. She knows W. She told me she still can not believe this is happening. That she saw us as the perfect couple. My W always praised me on the love I have to the family. That she doesn't recognize my W at all and contact is now zero. All this was hard to listen too but it reminded me that it was not my fault.

I also got the comments of how a great dad I am, strong and positive. They questioned me on how I get up in the morning. That they would be in bed sucking their thumbs. That the girls love me so much.

I answered. I love my girls so much. I get up for them. Also I get up for me because I am no good to anyone if I'm a vegetable. That I and the girls understand that W is sick and it's out of our hands, it is not our fault. We are living our lives the best we can.

All in all it was a boost.

So proud of my girls

[peacetoday]

Irish

Hang in there
the grieving process takes 2 years give or take

continue on your path, you are doing well and as we continue to do the right things, which you are, all good will come your way

It may not be exactly the way you wanted, but most of us here as LBS, do seem to turn out good and much better than we could have anticipated.

[Irish M]

Hi Peace,

I see your D is still strong and at the same time not judging her dad.
Hope he sees the long term work he needs to do to repair what he did.

For those thinking of dating. I went out again last night to what I thought was a movie and a drink after.
Listening to her talk, her thoughts on relationships and family.
It made me think more and more about W. I am clearly still very much in love with her and I think I'm looking for a crutch. I ended the night early. On my drive home I felt actually guilty. What the heck am I doing. I felt like I was betraying my D's.
They are the last 2 that need me to think of another woman.

I drifted off a few times on the date. Compairing my date to me W.
Surely my date was in better shape and had a better career. She seemed to be glued to me always touching me in some way. Complimenting me abut everything.
With all this attention I didn't want it from her. I wanted it from my W.

On the drive my thoughts flashed back to the week my W dropped the Bomb. It was amazing. We laughed so much at a comedian on comedy channel it hurt.
We planned our summer vacation and we were still talking about selling the house and upgrading.
How did I get from there to here.

Put up the tree this morning with the girls. I painted my youngest D's nails and played Zelda with my oldest. Simple things that W shared with us.
Not an easy day. I know it's tough for everyone.

Love and peace everyone.

[kml]

Irish, you're not ready to date. It's not fair to the women you date, and yes, your daughters don't need to deal with it now.

Try finding a meetup group where you can go out and do things with a group, so you can get adult social interaction without dating.

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, I agree with kml. Apart from the unwelcome complication for your D's, it truly isn't fair on the woman you have been out with. How would you feel if she read all that you posted above?

I hope you will let her know that you aren't ready to see anyone, and likely won't be for a good while. Sometimes we need to try these things - I think men in particular seem to want to date sooner - I don't know why that is, but I notice it on the forum here.

I agree that some non-romantic GAL would be a great idea though...

Take care

[LouR]

Hi Irish

The only way to find out if you are ready to move forward with someone else is to try dating - you have done this and see that its not right for you yet; you realise that you are still in love with your w, so from this point of view it was a positive thing to do. All I ask (and what kml and sotto have also said) is that you never string any woman along, that you make it clear from the get go that friendship is where your at right now, that way no one gets hurt.

Your and your d have such a beautiful bond, its lovely to read about. They will look back at this time and see the very special dad that you are.

[Irish M]

Hi Sotto and KML
:-)

Yes it was supposed to be a friend date
She is aware of my situation. I think on her end she wanted more. Actually I know it now.
Reason why I cut it short.

Unwanted to get out with her to change my thoughts of my W in MLC
It only made me want W more.

I have had certain FaceBook friends hit me up on this as well.

I felt guilty because I would have never went out on a friend date like that ever while W living here.

Guess it's pool night and hockey with the buddies for a while still.

[peacetoday]

Irish

I agree with the others about not dating yet

I think dating would distract you from doing the growth and grief work that is needed after Separation
without finishing the grief work, it will only come up again and again
no way to the other side without feeling it

The way I understood this process for me is,I would stand for a good amount of time, I gave my XH every opportunity to work his issues through and at the same time I was in therapy every week dealing with my pain and making positive change
This way the grief work gets finished and the MLCer has ample time to come home
I think once the grief work gets done, there is less of a draw to make the M work, unless the MLCER shows drastic change in their choice,
at that time, other doors may just open
if you date b4 the work is done, you may just create more pain for yourself or draw in someone who may not be the best for you