Mutatio, I want to run away too but my youngest is just 9. What are you doing around the house while she is moping? I have been spending way too much time on my laptop, I noticed that it helps my frame of mind a lot if I get off the computer about a half an hour before H comes home and I put on music and start a game with the kids. Or I will cook or even clean, but for me doing anything sedentary when H is around brings me down- just way too much quiet energy I guess.
What does your son think of all the quiet? He must realize something is going on.
Also, as much as I understand the hell that the silent treatment is, let me assure you that when my H finally started speaking up it was just awful. The things he says are horrible.
Thanks for stopping by and the support pho. It always make me feel better. You asked what I do around the house. I do my thing, hang out with son, house chores, cook, watch tv or surf the web. My son plays his xbox online with his friends. I cook dinner and hang out with him. I'm not sure he can hear the quiet with his headphones on. I think he is a bit of an avoider like his mother.He knows we're in separate beds, there is no fighting at all and we talk about all household issues so life seems okay to him. So until he struggles or asks I'll let it go. I am sorry your husbands words are hurtful. It must be so hard to see those words come out of his mouth. Your a really good women to love him when he is so tortured and hurting you. Be well
Thanks Mutatio. I was asking about your son because he might realize a lot more than you think. My D is 14 and she has figured it all out and has very strong opinions. But I think girls are more in tune emotionally to their surroundings than boys, my 12 year old son I really think has no clue but my 9 year old probably does. I am not sure what to tell them, just trying to act normal and focus on parenting, the same approach that you are taking.
I have talks with my D though because she brings it up. Trying to give her some reassurance and also keep her out of my marriage at the same time. She wants me to leave him, she has some good points, but I can't let a 14 year old have a voice in my marriage. It is hard with kids, I am scared that they are absorbing all of this tension and it will come out in some destructive ways later on.
Someone once said to me , about kids, don't worry about what they hear you say, worry about what they see.
Pho, you said "She wants me to leave him, she has some good points, but I can't let a 14 year old have a voice in my marriage." This is a perfect time to model and display what your trying to do. How you took an oath in marriage vows and are keeping your word. Explain to her the importance of following through on a promise, even if it is doing something you don't like. Explain that her father needs help, he's struggling and that you must be the strong partner for him and the children. This is a teachable moment for her and a great way to forge a stronger bond. She seems insightful and mature for her age, probably a street wise kid. This could bring you two even closer. Not a voice but an understanding of what a strong woman must do.
Thanks M, that is pretty much what I tell her. That I love my family, that I am committed to each member of the family and that sometimes means putting my own needs or wants on hold when someone is struggling- I remind her of her recent hospitalization and how I didn't judge her behavior and I was there for her and will continue to be, and now Dad is struggling with his own issues and our marriage has some issues, and please be patient with him and find it in herself to be respectful to him, and also understand it is not her problem and that she needs to focus on her own stress management and school.
She told me that she hates the way he treats me, he doesn't treat me with love or respect, and she thinks I deserve better. I tell her thank you for caring about me, but she doesn't see the whole picture, and then I refer back to what I already said. In our last counseling session I asked her more clearly in counseling to stay out of the marital issues, that it was a boundary she was crossing and maybe she could discuss it with her IC. She seemed to "get it" but it is a hard situation.
I am figuring out some dynamics. H always does worse emotionally after we see his parents. It is clicking with me now. He always blamed it on me, said because I complained about them, or confronted an issue with them, etc, but in the last year I have kept my mouth shut and been easy going. Yet he still is so emotionally intense for a week or two after we see them. He needs to work this out with his IC, I can't of course bring it up, but I see what is happening and there is NOTHING I can do about it.
It will be interesting when he is gone for 6 months and his parents want to visit the kids. I will not deny them access to their grandchildren, but I will enforce my boundaries and without H here to triangulate things I think it might be actually better for them to visit when he is not here. Will cross that bridge when we come to it.
After every visit- no I don't think it, I know it- H and the IL's have a "debrief" session about my behavior, and I believe that is what sets H off. So even though I am "out of it" and not participating in any conflicts or making any complaints, I am still "in it" because of this weird dynamic.
My biggest concern right now is if we do divorce, this whole dynamic is going to intensify to the point where it is going to be an even more unhealthy situation than it already is and I worry for my children. OK, not going there, I don't know the future.
This is one of those difficult moments for me. It's 9:00 and my wife is not home from work. She has thrown herself into work and has said she has feels no urge to come home to me.
It's lonely here, I will reevaluate my goals tomorrow. I will try to keep myself busier.
