dday, attempting to find clarity

[tl2]

Let me ask you this: Was the 'old wife' you want back and who you originally met attracted to someone who was clinging to her every word or action? Or was she attracted to you when you were independent and doing your thing?

Dropping the rope and moving forward isn't quitting on the marriage. It takes 2 to make the marriage work and she's the one walking away right now.

But allowing yourself to turn into a pile of mush IS QUITTING ON YOURSELF. And you're not any good to a marriage, to kids, to potential mates, to yourself... if you've quit on yourself.

Growth is painful but the result is necessary.

[Azzork]

Priest had to cancel last night, sick parishioners. Feeling conflicted, I guess. One moment I am all wrapped up in this sitch again. Then the next I feel a bit better.
Thats OK. Over time, you will notice that there are longer gaps, and the time you are "wrapped up" will start to shorten.

I am trying to go through bits of why I have trouble letting go.
- W was the girl I was with when dad passed away. Hmmm. I dont have much experience with this. Do you think that moment is a key part of your time together?
- W is the only one I will have kids with. Maybe. Shes the only one you HAVE kids with at this point. But you never know in the future. You could D and then find someone that has her own kid(s). Or, you might decide you want another one!
- W is actually the only woman I have been with (tried to save myself for m). This was the same for me. If you read my thread, you can see Ive been with someone new for a month or so now. Honestly, I thought this was going to be a MUCH bigger deal to me than it was in reality. I had a lot of emotional stock built up into the singular sexual relationship I had with XW. But when I was with someone else, I wasnt thinking about that at ALL. But of course, YMMV.
I see her a few times a week, kid swaps and sports, etc. How can you reduce this? Can kid swaps happen based on drop-off/pick-up from school?

All of this, I can't find with anyone else. Come on, now. Yes, you wont be able to recreate previous moments with someone else. But you can CERTAINLY find someone else that will find fulfilling.
I know there is more to life than these things, true. I still love the W of the first 10+ years, not the last couple. I understand. Unfortunately, that previous W is dead. Theres no reason to hang around waiting for her to "come back".

I am starting to get better. It is her loss, as much as mine. But I did not give up. I can go through life knowing that I fought until the end. I will never look at my kids and say I should have tried harder. Yep. Hold your head high.
One day, I hope she realizes what she has left behind. She might. She might not. By the time she does, you likely wont care.
Maybe I will be waiting for her, maybe not. Why are you even waiting NOW?

I truly hope she finds whatever makes her happy. Nope. She isnt going to 'find' it anywhere. Unless she starts looking inwards. Hopefully, for her sake, she does.
If it honestly is me holding her back, then I want to be out of her way. Again, nope. It is not about you at all. Yes, get out of her way. Let her do her thing. But its not about you. Never was. Never will be.
I pray that she realizes that she WANTS to be with me. But my prayer now includes God, you know what's best... here is what I want, but I know it's not up to me now. That is a shift. Good. I dont know much about prayer. But how can you shift further so that you are focusing on just you and your boys?

I need to drop this rope, and keep moving forward. I'm scared, I guess. Feels like quitting.
Id be lying if I said I havent struggled with this concept. Ultimately, youre not quitting. How long can you sit and look at an open door to see if someone is going to walk through it? At what point will you allow yourself to do something else? a day? a month? a year? 10 years? 50 years? Do you really want to give up the rest of your life to watching this door and hoping she decides to walk back through it? Even if you did and she did, do you think she would respect you for it?

It's not quitting. It's living your life. How long are you going to live your life for her?

[dday]

tl2, I was doing my own thing of course! Of course all of my buddies were in similar positions in their lives too, dating and no kids. Not so much now. I have one friend (the one in DC) that has been through this, so I have been picking his brain.

az, I was just talking to my preacher friend about letting go. I have realized more today that this is all about her. This spring, between BD and S, W was unhappy with me, wanted a new car-and got it after I hit a deer in hers, wanted a baby-which she denies ever saying, wanted a boob job. Went from being a people pleaser to not lifting a finger, which I enabled.

Losing dad, and W being there with me, cemented us together for life in my mind. I wouldn't have made it through without her help. (Almost lost my sis in that wreck). I need to find a way to limit our interactions together. They are always pleasant and I leave asking WTF, why are we splitting up?

I'm afraid that I have tied letting go with quitting. I have to separate the two. She has quit. I am still standing, but my legs are tired. I need to live for myself and boys. Time to be selfish for a bit and have some fun. Meetups here aren't much of an option, very limited. I will have to keep my eyes open though.

[tl2]

If you can learn how to embrace the change (which doesn't mean you have to be happy about it or that you're not sad about her choices), I have found that it makes me stronger and as a result it makes everything a bit easier.

I kind of look at it like I am on a boat and the captain had a heart attack or something and the boat is drifting aimlessly toward the rocks, etc. Either nobody else is around or none of them are doing anything.

You realize you have to grab the wheel and the throttle and take charge of your direction else you and everyone else are in a very tight spot. So you take the controls and do what you can. Maybe you already know how to handle a boat. Maybe you're learning on the fly because someone has to do it. Either way, it's the situation you're in and you're only choice is what to do about it because you can't go back in time and you're not superman and can't just fly off or pick up the boat and fly it to shore.

It doesn't mean you're happy to be there holding the wheel. It only means that sitting there and being upset about the situation without doing what is required helps nobody at best, and hurts everyone at worst.

[sandi2]

Losing dad, and W being there with me, cemented us together for life in my mind.

I think you need counseling for this ^^ issue. I'm sure it was very traumatic for you, but what if it had been a guy that had helped you through it? Would you have felt cemented for life with him? What if it had been a married woman, instead of this girl that helped you?

[dday]

Sandi, I am already doing counseling. That is one of the issues we do talk about. Thanks though. And, the friends that helped me through it are still the closest ones I have.

Thanks

[dday]

Did kid pickup tonight. Shortest one ever. I pulled in the drive and there is a truck there too. At first I was extremely hot. Then, I decided that I am not going to let it bother me, she is free to do as she wishes... I have no control. I walk up and the boys run out and W hands me clothes, backpacks, etc. First words out of her mouth are "that's neighbor girls new truck, she's been babysitting s4". I didn't ask, and wasn't going to.

I asked nothing, put stuff in the trunk and got in the car. Tonight, I actually felt nothing for her at all, good or bad. Like seeing a neighbor. I know I need to be like this, but I hate it at the same time.

My conversation with my preacher friend at work helped me today. I told him that I hate letting go of her, because I'm afraid it will be shutting the door. He said that I won't shut the door until she does something I can't forgive, or I meet someone new. And then it won't matter. I really appreciated that. It sunk in.

That talk, and the thinking of my W actions this summer, towards D and her erratic behavior and thoughts, are helping me tons today. I can finally look at this as her problem. Not saying I did no wrong, not at all. But I fixed all the issues she had with me, and I am still working on bettering myself. W has admitted that she can't get over things. Nothing more I can do, she is the one who won't try and forgive. One day this spring, I said "I miss you." She replied "I miss me too". Didn't realize until today what that really meant.

[tl2]

Sounds like you knocked that one out of the park. Nice job.

[dday]

Is this what detachment will look like? Feeling numb? I had no expectations at all last night. I realize that nothing towards r is going to happen anytime soon. So if it does happen, it's going to be a while. If ever.

I had a dream last night with a girl I used to run around with 15-20 years ago. I was still this age, and felt like I had moved on from W for a chance with her. Not sure what that means, but I seemed happy. Maybe my brain is telling me that I can find someone new? Maybe it's telling me to let go? Maybe I just need to satisfy a craving.

I would love my family whole, and be with a happy W. But If not, there is someone out there that I can share the rest of my life with someday

[Fogg]

Try not to think about how detached you are, its a endless cycle where you might trick yourself into believing you are and then something draws you back in and you have an emotional response. I've had a bunch of disappointments where I did just that. I felt like I was failing or pretending when that detached feeling goes away and I get extremely emotional a few days later. You will have days you feel detached and things don't get to you and you will have days where you want to just cry and mope around.

I think your starting to accept this is whats happening and realizing the road ahead is an extremely long one, one you never imagined taking this long if it ever leads to anything. I think you realize you may not end up with your W and its just the reality of the situation, it makes you feel numb. Your doing fine, all normal parts of this process and you will revisit many different stages at different times.