Unlurking, Rd II: Hitting reset

[SciDad]

Time to start a new thread. Gonna have to say I'm a little bummed about recent events, but I think I'm finally ready to keep on the path I've been following.


First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2625398#Post2625398

[tl2]

Hi SciDad,

After reading your previous thread, it seems to me like before dating or doing any reconnecting activities I'd want the following:

- commitment from her to end all romantic relationships (includes the no contact letter to OM)
- commitment to show you basic respect (because that's what the family/kids need also)
- willingly and voluntarily give you the means to verify that the R with the OM is over

Standing up for yourself and being firm in a loving way will probably do a lot to keep your head from spinning and feeling like your life is being controlled by other people.

[SciDad]

Seems like a good time to revisit my goals. Scores are 1-10, with 10 being zen-like

* Being present in my life: I had been doing well, maybe 8 until I found out my wife is still seeing OM. I dropped down to about a 3, now working my way back up

* Start each day with a short list of easily obtainable short-term goals. I've been really bad about this one, I'll give myself a 2.

* Acknowledge my emotions - I'm very good at feeling all these emotions I'm having. Dealing with them is a different story. 6

* Be straight to the point - 6. I was able to tell my wife specifically how I was feeling about several things even after I saw her texting the OM, but I can't help thinking that not talking to her about what I found goes directly against this goal.

* Continue working on being a better listener - 7.

* STFU - 8. Might be to good at this one - also going to be important to allow myself to express frustrations in an appropriate way

* Do not isolate myself while at home with my family - Before I spied = 10. After, 7. Just didn't want to be around my W (all I could think of is how much of a lying, manipulative.... well anyway you can guess what I was thinking

*Establish and (stick to) a chore list for my kids to help out at home. I totally blew this on. Will do over the weekend. 0

* Help more with homework- 8. I've started taking over S10's homework so W can focus on S6. It's actually pretty enjoyable because we sit next to each other and help each other if a child puts up a roadblock. Essentially, we're a much more united front.

* Continue to ask (and listen to) how my boys' days are - 9. I ask every day and listen for the entire ride home

* Find activities to do together, even if it's building pillow forts in the living room. Seems like a 6 to me. We have an ongoing Lego war spreading from the kitchen to living room that we revisit every night after I pick them up, but that's about it. I'd like to introduce some variety

Work
* Explore the creative side to my research. Too much of my thoughts right now focus on the mundane, but my passion is in the novel. 8 - Starting a whole new research area for the lab I'm in based on a couple observations and a hunch I had. Feels great

* Explore my career options with an open mind. 5 - Career options hit the back burner. I scheduled a meeting with my boss next week to come up with some ideas, develop a strategy.

* Continue to network 6 - I'm a pretty good networker, but few opportunities have presented themselves. I'll look for more events going forward

GAL
* Take time to be creative. Learning guitar, writing, painting, singing, reading. It all helps

* Take time for myself. I focus too much on the needs of other and tend to ignore my need - 4. Meh, I'm not doing great on this one, but I knew it would be hard (that's why it's on the list)

* Exercise - 6. Skipped a few days, but generally doing daily calisthenics morning and night. I'll try adding cardio back in in the next few weeks

* Meet new people (meetup? Volunteering?) and re-econnect with old friends - 0. Utter failure - must do soon

* Once a month, try something new - 4. I'm cheating and including doing things I haven't done in years. Went to a concert, but I need to probably come up with a list and start picking things off one at a time. Kinda like a bucket list

[SciDad]

tl2,

I like your simple and elegant solution. I'm just struggling with how to bring it up

The issue I have is that my information is based off intel I wasn't supposed to get - I snooped when I told her I wouldn't. Option 1: continue to snoop (but not tell her) and if I find anything to ask to search her phone in front of her. Then it would appear like I found the evidence in front of her and respected her privacy. At that point I could demand for the commitments.

Option 2: Tell her I don't trust her yet and I need some assurances before I can begin to trust her. The assurances would be the 3 commitments you listed

I personally like option 2 because I 1)don't have to snoop or 2) wait until I find incriminating evidence. What do you guys think?

[gonegrl]

SciDad, I am sorry for your recent turn of events. I understand how painful the betrayal is. If you still want to remain married, or at least increase the odds that you will work it out, I think you are right to keep to the path you have been following.

Stop snooping. Assume she is lying about everything and assume anything is possible with OM. My H now leaves his phone and laptop unattended. I assume he thinks this is reassuring to me, but I know very well that if there was anything incriminating on there he would delete it. My bet is they had a fake account/fake names when they were communicating. Actually I know they did. So I walk right by his phone and I am not even tempted. Actually when I see it lying on the counter (as opposed to being clutched by him 24/7 like he was doing for months) I do not feel relief, I feel revulsion. Now seeing his phone unattended makes me think he is hiding something and leaving the phone out to "throw me off". So there is no relief, there are no reassurances, there is no way to verify if someone wants to truly hide something.

For me it comes down to this. I am committed to this man, to my marriage, to my family. He is struggling right now with his commitment. He can work it out without any ultimatums or "rules" by me, as long as I am safe (not being screamed at, being subjected to STD's, etc) and I can be strong.

I can put my anxiety about the future on hold for a little longer. I can change my mind at any time this is no longer healthy for me. (coming to that point soon.) So stay the course, check your plan, focus on your own goals, do not snoop. Time will reveal all.

Or, decide that this is it. Keep in mind that she is still struggling with her commitment and you have no control over that. Can you live with the outcome if she decides she will continue seeing OM, or if she takes it deeper undercover?

[Vanilla]

I thought I might say hi on your thread.

There are a couple of observations I might make if I can.

Firstly there is a big difference between Intel and snooping. Intel is that which you need to know to make good decisions. Snooping is just hurting you. There is a saying if you snoop you get poop, in other words what you learn isn't always valuable or it's a set up.

So knowing WW has an A or an EA, and that its fuzz ball is important. Knowing fuzz ball is a married ass also important. Knowing that they eat jam doughnuts in the nude every Thursday not so much.

You don't need to be the collector of Intel. That can be delegated to a pro or kept by a safe person.

Now document and get the Intel to truth dart. Snooping has a sneaky Uriah Heap feel about it. My recommendation look at the value against the hurt.

Sometimes snooping is like picking a scab, it gets sore and it bleeds.

This has to have a use, what will you do with your Intel? There isn't much you an do with snoopy stuff. So WW I think you are having an A with fuzz ball is that true? Is different to you have jelly doughnuts etc.....

If WW says how do you know? Don't be destracted. Say so you are confirming it?

V

[Vanilla]

Oh yes, by promising not to snoop you are not promising not to collect Intel.

V

[tl2]

If it were me, and I'm not saying this is right, I would snoop enough to document with screenshots, etc., what is going on to protect myself as a last resort. And don't tell her, and hide it somewhere for safe-keeping.

Then I would agree with going with the direct approach, telling her what you're interested in and the commitments you need from her. Because she has to make the decision, and she has to demonstrate that protecting and building your R is more important than protecting the OM, herself, and/or their R.

If she's not willing to be totally transparent (in my view) then I would be polite but keep my distance.

[Jpeg]

SciDad - how about equal trust. If you are to trust her no questions asked then she has to trust you trust you with her phone. No password. Complete transparency. If she doesn't agree to that then there is your answer

[SciDad]

Pho, first of all thank you for stopping in. The presence of you and everyone else here had called my inner turmoil to the point where I can almost feel at peace. Gone is anger, replaced now with a feeling of "meh." I feel better, more in control of myself.

I project confidence, calm, and warmth. Even if I struggle to keep it together as I drive to work/home. I know my wife is struggling with her choices now (even if she doesn't realize it), but that is not my concern. My goal is to be the calm during this storm enveloping my family. And to be there for my kids above all else.

I don't know where this is heading and I am fine with that. I will work on my journey and try to enjoy the personal growth I will achieve.