Do you talk to the OM wife? Rat him out and let him wage war at home. Germany lost the war because it had to fight on two fronts. You love your wife but not him.
That's actually another weird part of this - the OM's wife was so distant that she always left when anyone was around. I've actually only talked to her 3-4 times in the 5 or so years I'd been friends with the OM, including lots of time working on cars, parties, dropping off my kids for babysitting (with his kids - they are about 10 years older than mine)...
But I don't think it matters because they have already settled the D. At least I think so - we stopped talking while things were finalized.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Why did OM get divorced? Adultery? With another OW? Or was he just a WAH? Or was he a secret affair with your WW?
Would that change his divorce settlement?
Is he a serial cheater? ...if so not the best foundation for your WW's new relationship
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Open Question: what is the proper balance between acting "as if" and an be acting like a doormat?
Some examples would be to act as if you are confident, even if you feel insecure. To act act as if you are keeping it together, even though you feel you are losing it. To act as if you are a real cool guy, even if you don't feel so cool. To act as if you are going to be fine, although your thoughts may cause you doubt. To act as if you are moving forward and enjoying life........although it is a struggle most of the time. To act the detaching principals until they become real for you.
To "fake it till you make it", is what I think is acting as if.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes to a lot of those questions. He's a serial cheater. At least once early in his marriage, more recently with another OW where he/W works. My W was friends with that OW. Then he started getting really close with my W, so things broke off between OM and OW.
Naturally, I only started finding out about this very recently, and I have absolutely no idea why my wife thinks he's good marriage material. Or at least that's what she told me in one of our worse moments. That she was going to stay with him if it didn't work with us. Yeah, I'm sure he'll stick around - he's got such a good track record going....
I don't think the OM is a WAH - I'd say the OM's wife became the WAS.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Incidentally, "fake it 'till you make it" is the unofficial motto of junior tenure-track faculty everywhere. At least I have experience with the concept, even if I can't put it into practice (I tend to be too literal/genuine). I'll just have to work harder at it this time, which shouldn't be that hard since it means more to me this time.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
If one of the problems in our marriage has been a lack of date nights and our MC forced us to go to one date night a month, should I continue?
Before I found out my wife was still seeing the OM it would have been easy to answer - of course I'd go on a date with my W! But what about now? I think I shouldn't, but I'm not sure how to stop going on dates without seeming like I'm proving her point that it was only a temporary change.
One obvious suggestion is to say that our marriage currently has too many people involved in it and that I don't want to date until it's just the two of us. We've both already agreed that no progress can be made as long as the OM is in the picture.
My only concern is that I'm not ready to make an ultimatum forcing my W to choose between the two of us - I know it won't be me right now.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Does you wife and OM work together? If they do go to HR and threaten a lawsuit for destroying your marriage. They will both be fired probably and you may end up paying more alimony but the POS OM will be unemployed.
But I made a decision very early on not to focus on the OM. If I wanted to, there was a lot of damage I could do to him. I have naked pictures he sent to my wife that I could mail to his family (or CEO where he works, principal of his kids school, etc) or I could tell all his friends that he's an POS. But what would that really achieve? Would that help my marriage any? Would it stop my wife from finding a different OM down the road?
Yes, I would feel immediate satisfaction, but it would not serve my ultimate goal of having a healthy marriage.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad - I too am a scientist. And our stories are scarily similar. My H "helped" a work collegue (18 years his junior) through her divorce (a 2 yr marriage) and that's when EA started 4 years ago. They are now living together and trying to keep it a secret. He is her supervisor at work. He has told a few of his younger office colleagues and they think it's "cool" cause she is "hot".
