Focus on living life as it is in this moment

[focus22]

So, your H wasn't lucky to be married to you?

I used to crack that joke back and wink, whenever someone said that to me in the past.

This last year though, it all got too overwhelming. I remember starting to cry that particular time and saying 'I know' over and over.

It was just at the time I started getting a series of increasingly debilitating physical illnesses. I just couldn't take any more of the stress I had been soaking up from my H for the previous however many years.

Ignore these simpletons - they will side with whoever they feel has the upper hand/better story to tell.

He'll be the one that shouts loudest, for sure.

Focus is Focus. Just need to work on the here and now and not the past or future. Oh, by the way, none of it is your fault. We've all been at that point. You're still in hurt mode. Don't panic.

I'm trying desperately not to. I've still managed to keep my silence with regard to texting, emailing or speaking to him.

Time is probably passing in different ways for the both of us. For him it's probably speeding past. For me, each day is really dragging at the moment.

[focus22]

Another nightmare last night. Followed by a split second of thinking everything was OK. Followed by waking up and realising what the reality is.

I can't deal with this rollercoaster.

I want out. But which way is out?

[shotgun]

Focus22 the way out is to focus on yourself. Your husband will do whatever he wants to do and he will deal with the consequences. He like so many here is looking for happiness in all the wrong places and he must travel that path until he either finds it or realizes what he left behind. You must travel the path of finding your self and making you the most attractive most educated and most emotionally mature that you can possibly be. I am here for you and praying for you. Hope today is a better day!

[focus22]

Thank you for that reminder. You are totally right.

I need to print your words out and have them under my nose at all times.

I had to go and buy a diary for next year. I'll be getting my rota for January from my part time job soon. Good heavens, that was a hard task. Having to think about next year and the shops full of Christmas stuff.

Anyway, it's done. And I managed to do it in a dignified manner as well...took my time, looked at all the options, had a bit of a chat with the cashier, bought a coffee too.

So, back to GAL for me.

One thing I've discovered recently is that we get the chance to learn sign language through our employer (for free). I'm going to put my name down for the course.

I've always loved learning new things and learning languages especially, but sign language isn't something that I'd ever thought about learning while I was with my H. So that's a new thing, something that will be totally mine.

We also have a new member of staff who is deaf. We all want to be able to speak to him and make him feel welcome, so it would be an extra incentive (plus I'd get to practise and learn even more). He taught me how to spell my name out, and the next night I was able to introduce myself to someone else, totally unexpectedly. She was really delighted.

The other thing I've kinda always wanted to learn how to do is make sushi. So I'll find some tutorials on YouTube and investigate that a bit.

[vise82]

Hey focus22,

I can see that you are really excited about the opportunity to learn some new skills.

You are on the right track with the GAL.

[shotgun]

Fantastic focus22! I would love to be able to sign. Maybe after mastering Spanish I will take that up. I do think all of this is really about finding our true selves and defining our values and boundaries. Too bad we have to do it under these circumstances but so be it. We will leave this a healthier person.

[focus22]

Thank you vise82! I've always loved learning new things. I'm one of those eternally curious people

We will indeed, shotgun.

Today turned out quite well - your prayers and positive vibes worked!

I had to practically drag myself out of bed. But I got ready and managed to get out of the house.

I got a whole load of my own work done this afternoon, and met a new customer too. I'm going to like working with her, so fingers crossed she thinks the price I give her is OK and she signs her contract.

I stayed late (until 10.00pm) and am starting to catch up with everything that I fell behind with in October. Started filling my diary for January 2016.

Got another bunch of compliments today, in spite of not feeling my best ('very glamorous' from a gay colleague of mine, and 'beautiful' from someone else ).

Came home again and fancied a G&T. Went to open my bottle of Hendrick's that was a present from someone I worked for last summer. The job I worked on was amazing, I absolutely loved it despite working crazy hours (16 hour days). One of those jobs that changes your life for the better in so many ways.

Anyway, discovered that the bottle was almost *entirely* empty (apart form 1 very lonely measure, right at the bottom).

My H had drunk it all, and he doesn't even *like* gin. I don't know what on earth he drank it with, because there's been no tonic in the house for ages. The only thing I can think of is coke. But who would drink gin and coke? That seems weird.

I just feel really sad. He's been blitzing his brain with a *huge* amount of alcohol for 4 or 5 years now, and a lot of drugs too (not bad ones, but I'm really clean living....I like to feel healthy...so it's not something I would ever do). I got to the stage of hiding drink and drugs from him when it he got bad.

I just feel really sad for him this evening. Where did that man I fell in love with, married, and knew so well for 13 or 14 years go?

[shotgun]

Focus22 I have asked myself the same question what happened to the girl I fell in love with. She says that she had an awakening and is now someone different. The truth is that I do not want to be with the new person that she woke up to be. It has taken some time to detach from her because I love her without condition. I can now however define what I need in a wife. I need someone who is truthful and loyal and at peace with their life. All of the women that I ever dated had daddy issues. It took a lot of expensive therapy to come to that conclusion but now I know. I have always known that happiness came from inside me and now I will find a woman who knows that as well!

[Gmum]

That's the worst - waking up thinking everything is ok, then you remember.

When you're going through hell, keep going. I guess that's the only way out.

[focus22]

Focus22 I have asked myself the same question what happened to the girl I fell in love with. She says that she had an awakening and is now someone different.

I have heard this from my H as well.

The truth is that I do not want to be with the new person that she woke up to be.

Yeah, me neither. I don't really like this new person. He's very, very selfish, arrogant, thoughtless and sometimes downright cruel as well.

It has taken some time to detach from her because I love her without condition. I can now however define what I need in a wife. I need someone who is truthful and loyal and at peace with their life. All of the women that I ever dated had daddy issues. It took a lot of expensive therapy to come to that conclusion but now I know. I have always known that happiness came from inside me and now I will find a woman who knows that as well!

I've been chatting with my counsellor about what I've found attractive in men in the past and how my relationships have unfolded (the few before I met my H as well as with my H). And there's definitely a pattern there. That's something I wasn't aware of before all of this, so that's good.