Because seeing her always affects me in a bad way. I start to miss her, want to hug and kiss her when I see her. We start to act like nothing has happened . Best friends talking. She starts to think everything is normal, has ideas for the three of us. I have to start saying no things have changed. Feels like it would be steps back in terms of giving her time and me time to try to stop thinking about her at all hours. Don't want to be seen as the best friend and nothing has happened. Feel like I would be helping her to cake eat again. Sorry for posting twice just wanted to make it clearer. _________________________ Me:47 W:45 S:15 M:17 T: 24 Separated: 6 weeks
Okay, then don't try to soft-soap your answer, nice guy.
You don't have to be crude, but just tell her you rather not, or "no thanks" or "I'll pass". Don't make up some excuse. As long as you give her soft-soap answers, instead of being more direct, she'll continue to think you'll be her BFF.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You hit the nail on the head regarding cake eating! I agree with your plan to not go to breakfast, although no explanation might be the way to go.
I hope you have lots of GAL plans while your S is away on his 10 day trip. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
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Will do. That amount of contact has reduced a lot in these first seven weeks. I hope it gives me some time while S is away to work on myself. I've no idea what she is really thinking or feeling. Her sister and other family members say she is having a hard time but next month she is taking a few days sunny holiday with him. Doesn't all add up to me. Miss our friendship but try to tell myself how real can a friendship be when she smiles and enjoys days with you while all the time she was seeing OM? Just hope keeping away gives her time to see OM in another light while I try to adjust to new life and get a new one.
Following on previous post. When is it time to give up and accept things won't change. Is being her friend a better way to go? At least I get to see her and it could make her relationship with S better. If I spend breakfast, New Year etc with her would that better than saying no to all her suggestions and looking like I am childishly avoiding her. How is my seeing her or not going to affect her relationship with OM? She has made the decision to be with him and I'm not going to change that by going to a breakfast or not. If I've almost disappeared she hasn't got the opportunity to remind herself of my good points. She didn't leave angrily, she said I was the best person she had ever known but she couldn't help the feelings she had. Her psychologist said years ago it was an obsession. How do you fight against that? Is avoiding her so much the best way to go? If I gave her the way back into S and my lives she'd take it happily. It is what she really wants. Or is my near silence the best way to go? Should I hold my nerve?
Hi Scrant, things may change my friend - but it does take time. Stats show that R's which start as A's rarely transition into successful, long term partnerships. I would hold firm on the - we are not friends - stance. Not in a jerky way, just in a protective boundary way.
I certainly don't think being her friend is the way to go if you hope to reconcile. If you think about it - you become her 'friend' again in the hope of reconciling. She is then able to think - Oh Scrant is okay with what's happening here- we're all okay with this. I get to spend time with OM, and my family. My R with S is even better than it was before. Hey, this is better for everyone actually. I made a good move - It all enables and supports your W's poor decisions.
I don't think avoiding her is childish. I think as she has betrayed you and your vows, it is perfectly reasonable to tell her it doesn't work for you to spend time as friends. And I would also leave her to manage her R with S. Your R with him is yours to own. Her R with him is hers to own. I certainly wouldn't obstruct it, and of course you'll act in the best interests of your S here. But equally, her R with him is hers and current choices may put some strain on that.
Also, have a think about triangulation here (and maybe google it.) If you stay as one point on the triangle, you continue to meet some of your W's needs. To her you may represent family, friendship, security, comfort. On the flipside, OM may make her feel 'alive' excited, and so on. Staying as one point on the triangle enables these very different needs to be met and may keep the equilibrium longer - for what motivation does your W have to change? But remove yourself from the triangle places much more of a burden on a R that was built on foundations of sand anyway.
I think the big thing to dig for here is patience. I think you are on the right track here, but it does take time - possibly much longer than you think. This is why GAL for you is so important and where your focus is best placed.
Can I ask about your comment from the psychologist about the obsession? Are you saying that OM has been in the picture for a long while? (sorry if I missed something here...)
Take care - and another big thing to remember - often doing nothing is the best way. You feel like nothing is happening, but often there are important things happening unseen to you.
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto. Don't worry it is 10 pages back! Briefly wife worked for OM, had a PA about 8 years back. Told me she was going to leave, he was married and he decided to stay in his M. W was sacked and we stayed together. We have been together in an affectionate way ever since. I failed to really work on confronting the problems then.His wife finally divorced him, took most of what he had, he now is an employee in his own company., which is doing badly.He has since lived with another woman. Don't know for certain but I think she was some sort of distant friend of W. She died and some months ago he restarted R with W. She even went on holiday with him this summer after telling me she was going with friends from Yoga group. He owes money to banks and so lives in an old apartment owned by his sister. During the first time her psychologist told me that she had an obsession with him and until she saw him as he really was... I had hoped being sacked had done that. She was angry with him then and grateful that I had kept our family going. When she left two months ago she really thought that S and I would be wanting to be with her everyday. S's disinterest has surprised her. My gradual detaching has too. First days we texted and met a lot but now I just send her weekly financial news and not much else. She wants me to be the supportive friend as I always have been. When the time came to leave no one helped her pack. I did and she said I was her best friend etc. The last few weeks I'm responding less and less. When she came to basket we didn't hug and kiss for the first time. I know she wants us to spend time together but when she's free and on her terms. As I have said before she doesn't want to take OM to her family, she'd be happy for me to go. she even said she'd be fine sharing a bed!
She wants the security of your family, but the exciting sex life of OM. She can't trust OM he sacked her 8 years ago, but she can trust you, her ever present Plan B. Last time Plan A didn't work out, you were Plan B and accepted her back too quickly.
Now you are both reliving the past. Deja Vue!
Last edited by isittoolate; 12/02/1508:50 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi Scrant, yes in all those circumstances I certainly think it's fair to go firmly into LRT. Please re-read that section and apply it to a tee, I would even dial back on stuff like the weekly news...
Sorry you're been living with the shadow of OM for such a while - ugh...
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for all the advice and support. My problem with LRT is always how to respond when wife shows interest or texts? She rang last week and be the end of the call was proposing taking me January clothes shopping. I said we'll see which surprised her. Don't you want me to take you? I bought some nice clothes in the summer.
