dday, attempting to find clarity

[dday]

This evening, I have been thinking that I may want the house after all. I had been thinking that without W, it wasn't our dream home. I may need to reconsider that. I hunt, fish, work in the garage, garden, and enjoyed that property with my boys too. I may want to buy her out of it, and let her leave the family home. I am not the one leaving the marriage, and the boys love it there and would still be there 3 days a week with me.

Thoughts?

[mutatio]

Hi dday, you said "Can someone do some voodoo thing on me so I can drop this dang rope! I would love to have a day of normal thoughts!". I found a story that might help. I may have posted it on your thread but since your struggling to detach, I'll post it.

A Sufi teaching tells of the man who visited a great mystic to find out how to let go of his chains of attachment and his prejudices. Instead of answering him directly, the mystic jumped to his feet and bolted to a nearby pillar, flung his arms around it, grasping the marble surface as he screamed, "Save me from this pillar! Save me from this pillar!"
The man who had asked the question could not believe what he saw. He thought the mystic was mad. The shouting soon brought a crowd of people. "Why are you doing that?" the man asked. "I came to you to ask a spiritual question because I thought you were wise, but obviously you're crazy. You are holding the pillar, the pillar is not holding you. You can simply let go."
The mystic let go of the pillar and said to the man, "If you can understand that, you have your answer. Your chains of attachment are not holding you, you are holding them. You can simply let go."

I also read this: "This means living in a way that instead of keeping this image of your spouse in your mind and falling in love with that image, consequently running into problems when that image changes, you let them free and accept them fully for who they are in each moment no matter what changes."

dday accept the changes in you wife, accept who she is now.
Let go of the pillar dday.

[Fogg]

If its something you can afford financially then I see nothing wrong with it. Its a good mindset shift to see the houses potential for you and the kids instead of the failed dream house with W.

[gs9]

Mutatio,
Thank you. That was great.

dday,
Keep on keeping on. as the mystic said "you have the answer"
posting this for my own therapy as well.

[dday]

Thanks mu! I love that story. I completely agree. Now to do it! I'm going to keep working on this

[dday]

You guys are awesome. We need a dB poker night. If I do end up with my big farmhouse back, you are all welcome to come play some cards.

Fogg, if I trade her the retirement for the house, it will pretty much be paid off. And, I would get my dog back!

[Azzork]

I haven't yet gotten to the point that I don't wonder what her response will be to xyz.

Just so that we're clear, it's OK to wonder what her response will be to something.

What you want to avoid is choosing your actions based on the response you expect or hope you will get.

For example:
Decision - does dday make change X to the separation agreement?
Choice A - do nothing. W is likely happy. Dday loses money or time or something.
Choice B - propose change.

Its likely that she will be upset or that a fight will start if you choose option B. But you think it's best for you and the boys, so you choose to do option B. This is the goal. Now that youve made that choice, it's ok to wonder what her reaction will be and how this could affect other things going forward.

What is NOT ok is to choose option A, because ou want to avoid a fight or because you hope to make her happy.

You do the first thing enough times, eventually, you stop caring what her reaction is.

[dday]

Ok Az, that is something that I am finally starting to do. I returned her proposal with a whole lot of ink and highlighter on it. Since then, she hasn't mentioned it. And, I am starting to think that I want to keep the house. I like it there. The boys like it there. And, she can have a little change/loss in her life too. I don't like that I just feel like they are living my life without me in it. I could return a large chunk of my normalcy and my hobbies would be returned to me. And, have my dog back!

[dday]

Priest had to cancel last night, sick parishioners. Feeling conflicted, I guess. One moment I am all wrapped up in this sitch again. Then the next I feel a bit better.

I am trying to go through bits of why I have trouble letting go. W was the girl I was with when dad passed away. W is the only one I will have kids with. W is actually the only woman I have been with (tried to save myself for m). I see her a few times a week, kid swaps and sports, etc.

All of this, I can't find with anyone else. I know there is more to life than these things, true. I still love the W of the first 10+ years, not the last couple.

I am starting to get better. It is her loss, as much as mine. But I did not give up. I can go through life knowing that I fought until the end. I will never look at my kids and say I should have tried harder. One day, I hope she realizes what she has left behind. Maybe I will be waiting for her, maybe not.

I truly hope she finds whatever makes her happy. If it honestly is me holding her back, then I want to be out of her way. I pray that she realizes that she WANTS to be with me. But my prayer now includes God, you know what's best... here is what I want, but I know it's not up to me now. That is a shift.

I need to drop this rope, and keep moving forward. I'm scared, I guess. Feels like quitting.

[dday]

Also, this morning, for whatever reason, I am seeing more of my W faults. I know that no one is perfect, but after trying for so long to get her back I put her on a pedestal. That is eroding, and she is coming back down to human status.

I have been bothered by her seemingly pma. But the more I have stepped back and looked at it, she is never allowing herself to be alone. As soon as she gets in a car she is on the phone. And walks into the ballgames on the phone. Maybe she isn't adjusting as well as I thought. Doesn't really matter, but I don't feel quite so disposable.