I was given the same advice by my coach. In a nutshell I think the idea is to not seem like you are turning your back on your spouse during their crisis.
After our ordeal ended my wife has told me that the way I acted made it very clear to her that I was her best friend and that her place is with me.
OM turned out to be a liar and a cheat. If he's prepared to cheat with a married woman and break up a family, he is scum and it will eventually be obvious to your W. But at that point you need to be the best option in her mind, so that's why I believe the coaches have you work on friendship.
Friendships can burst into flames of passion. Look at what her old friendship with OM resulted in.
But don't mistaken being friendly with actually being a doormat. Friendly is how you would be towards a neighbor or an associate at work. Kind and polite etc
Doormat is doing everything she tells you too. Not sure if I'm explaining this well so hopefully others chime in with examples.
If she asks you to for example go mow the yard, you would politely say " oh sure, no problem, right after I'm done watching this show". So you do it but on your time and at your convenience. It's not she says jump and you say how high.
What were the issues in your marriage?
Do you think you guys got things worked out well enough after the first time this happened?
What's the marital start of OM?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Thank-you, that's the type of feedback I was looking for. An answer with an example etc.
OM is not married or in a relationship. He had a girlfriend the firs time things happened and his justification for breaking up our family is that my wife is his soul mate and she is different than anyone else he's ever dated. I have a feeling he will be overly clingy and put too much pressure on her to get married/move in etc. Which she may or may not succumb to.
She will ask for help, advice, schedule accommodation etc. For the most part it is a two way street between us. Neither of us tells the other what to do, it is always asked. She's more reliant on my help than hers but I don't accommodate anything that is frivolous and there have only been a couple of times where she has asked for something that she recognizes and acknowledges is unfair and I haven't accommodated (or if I have it is with some form of mutual concession).
The primary issues in our marriage was that I was over responsible and she was under responsible. She lives a very unstructured life and has a some self sabotage issues / esteem issues. My default position is to always just take care of things and that didn't help the situation. It gave me less energy to give to the relationship (giving her what she needed) and also made her feel even more like a child because she wasn't responsible for things. There was too much resentment on both our parts which caused us both to distance. We've learned a lot about what our issues were and what needed to be done to make the relationship healthy.
That's part of my concern is that she's trying very hard to take this new understanding about how to have a healthy relationship into the new relationship rather than applying it to her marriage. She is committed to seeing things through with him because they have more similarities and she feels they communicate better. Hence my concern over how supportive/friendly to be because it may reinforce the fact that she can have the best of both worlds, a great co-parent and whatever new relationship she wants.
Thanks again for your help.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Our daughter is 8. We split time with her 50/50 depending on both our work schedules. Right now I'm closer to 65% because of her work but that will alternate every few months.
On the legal front we have had no issues with agreements and have agreed to have the legal separation agreement in place prior to me moving out.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Financing of the home is currently 50/50. We have all finances split and divided where needed. My contribution is the equivalent to what she would collect in rent on the suite or about the same as what it will cost me to move out so there is no financial advantage or disadvantage.
It actually makes no difference to me if I move out or not. I've committed to working on myself and not getting into another relationship so I don't need the space/separation.
Staying makes things easier for my daughter and on us for juggling schedules and commitments. The only potential advantage to moving out would be that reality hits her of how difficult co-parenting will be when we are in a different space and the loss of comfort knowing that I'm in the house and we can rely on each other when needed.
Moving out may in fact push her to move in with the OM sooner as she would lose some sense of security.
So take me at my word, I haven't made up my mind either way. I'm genuinely looking for insight and advice on positioning to leave the door open to reconciliation.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Can you add information to your signature so that we can reference it quickly? Click on My Stuff at the top, then choose Edit Profile and scroll to the bottom for signature box.
We need, your age, your wife age, the date of first A, the date of second BD, Age of Daughter, current living arrangement etc. Take a look at mine and others to see how to type a brief of it. Makes things much much easier for us.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Just a bit of an update and looking for feedback and advice. Not sure if I should post this here or elsewhere, let me know.
So I've decided to stay in the house and not give up my position. I've been following the advice of the DB coach and have been working of the friendship, positive interactions, 180's, family time etc. Wife has stated she isn't going to make any major changes until we've been separated for the year which is in September. That means not moving in with the OM, not introducing him to our daughter or being public with their relationship. She has asked that I do the same if I enter into another relationship but admits she's in no position to make any requests of me.
She and her extended family invited me to a couple of gatherings over the holidays and everything went very well. She's noted that there has been some jealousy from the OM of our relationship together, which she has told him he will just have to deal with because she wants to make sure we have a good relationship for our daughter. She also still tells us both that she isn't going to commit to one or the other because she is conflicted and doesn't know what to do. She's been experiencing pretty heavy guilt and the OM has been putting some pressure on her to take their relationship to the next level. She typically doesn't respond well to that.
Last night we had an interesting conversation where she admitted that lately she is becoming sensitive/empathetic to all the hurt she's caused. Some of this may be due to the fact that I've been talking about dating and have been going out quite a bit so she's worried about losing me as an option before she's figured things out. She understands how completely unfair she's been in the whole thing and her expectations, she's just willing to live with the consequences of her potentially bad choices. She also finally admitted that it wasn't my fault that she had the affair, that the marriage was in a better place than it had been in a long time. The bottom line is that she loves two men and doesn't know what to do about it, that we fill her needs in different ways and she doesn't want to lose either. She say's she never fell out of love with me and never questioned my love or loyalty for her. She admits to feeling hurt that I could go on to love someone else instead of her, even though it's a ridiculous expectation.
So my question is: Keep on the path the coach has advised, work on the friendship and relationship and wait for the affair with the OM to break down, for the romantic infatuation to wear off? I'm sure this is what she is clinging to and frankly by keeping the affair from developing further she is attempting to preserve this stage as long as possible. I think this is probably the best way but it allows her to cake-eat and stay in limbo.
Or go Sandy's route and restrict her access to the benefits of our relationship as long as she chooses to continue the affair. Losing access to that portion of her needs being met may tear her apart and end the affair or it may drive her to the OM as the only option left to her. She's pretty stubborn and resolved and has always been one to revolt against authoritative or parental type pressure. That's part of why she is so firm in not making nay decisions to further things either way at this point. She would rather wait for the answer to come to her, but it's good to hear she has set a personal deadline later this year.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks for the help.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
She's cake-eating and you are facilitating it. Don't let her believe you are available for plan B for a second.
Her telling you it's OK for you to date others and she won't tell is nothing more that her alleviating her own guilt. Don't fall for it. You have to stand for saving the M. However, it is a good thing to go out with friends, even female friends.
Being friendly is not the same as being a friend. One is just being courteous the other is being a doormat on plan B.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I see you have not posted in a while. I just wanted to thank you for mentioning the song "Could have been me" by the Struts (in Flight's thread). It is a nice anthem about living your life and living your life without regrets. We all have good reason to listen to it right now. I am posting it to the DB songbook thread. Check it out if you have a chance.
You only have 13 posts and already you have made an impact! I am sorry for your sitch. I hope you keep posting. I hope you will benefit from the advice offered here, as I have.
So much of this is a mental game. I am seeing from many of the posts I read, that the cheating spouse usually has to see some real danger that you are or could be moving on to wake them up. I like the idea of you staying in the house, but it is that perceived moving on (GAL, be a better person, treat your W kindly without being a doormat), are all integral parts of being a man she would be nuts not to choose.
Personal trainer single guy who has affairs with married woman is nothing on you, and I don't even know you. Your W's image of you may be that you are broken in XYZ ways, but deep down she knows better when she stops lying to herself, and sees the new you, or the new old you, or whatever you are working towards.
I spoke with a guy last night, who I had no idea he was going through a similar sitch as me for the last year and a half. She had an A, they sold their house, he is being an awesome dad, and he literally just dropped the I don't want you anymore hammer. He started going out and laying down with every 15 years younger girl he could find. Got more tattoos, does what he wants, even got a new job about a year later. He never put his kids in contact with any of his flings, but his W was jealous. Last week she called him, said she was sorry, she missed him, she missed the family element, missed the marriage. 1.5 years later the OM fizzled, he has moved on, and now has a new hope. He was doing alot of DB work without realizing it. (except the many many flings). The point is here, she had to be free of OM, and really see her H was moving on to change. It is different for everyone's situation, but that perception of someone not attached to you seems to work.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
