Hi Cherry, When I read about the part about dirty looks, I had to smile. I have a PHD in dirty looks.
These few months, I have been trying v hard to do something about it. I find it very hard to look friendly or smile at the X, so I resorted to all sorts of methods and tricks. I would look at my kid and smile and then turn to the X. Or I would psyche myself up by reading happy stories and jokes before meeting the X. But what worked the best was when I was genuinely happy or excited by what had happened in my life. Because the X would really relax and we could actually interact with each other like 2 decent human beings.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
That's sort of thing what happened the first time around, then we ended up being back together- because when we got down to it- we are literally best friends.
I'm taking the focus of him, and that's hard. But I'm putting it on me- I'm focusing on my work and my child.
He is in some dark place and I don't know how to help
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Wow. Some days, I genuinely feel I'm starting to hate him.. All I see is an empty soul of a narcissist who manages to make me feel like the most worthless creature to exist.
He gets in. No hello. Just how he will sort his own food, and that I should go to bed. It's like somehow he is in the wrong but he wants ME to feel bad that my psychic powers didn't pick up the fact he would be pulling up onto the driveway and to have food ready.
Man oh man- I feel like packing a bag, I almost want him to feel the hard burning stabbing feeling that the one person who vowed to always be with you, the one only a matter of weeks ago they were saying don't ever leave me- I can't live without you; is now saying they're unhappy and that they pretty much want out..
Thing is. If I go- then it's exactly that- I went, I would have left him. And I will be the one walking away with the child. And he makes me look and feel like the bad guy. He takes no blame.
I haven't the slightest clue what to do anymore. I'm lost in emotions. And I'm so f-ing tired!!!!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I know it's hard Cherry, nevertheless you sound like a strong woman. Have you got any family or friends around to help you. I'm not there yet but I do believe that at the moment you should focus on you as you can't change your husband and for your child you need to be strong.
I just feel like I'm ready to give up.. It hurts and I can't take the pain, the roller coaster!!
Cherry,
I want to express the sadness that i feel when i read your words of pain, despair, and sorrow. It hurts to see it again.
In all Honestly, there is only way you are going to get off of this roller coaster ride, and that is to stop riding it.
I get the loneliness when they leave, i get being upset when they come home and dont show you what you mean to them...let alone give the time of day. Your husband is not whole right now. He has his problems. You may already know what they are, you might not. His issues are.just that. HIS. We want to help pull them though this and have them look into our eyes and hold us close.
Right now that is just not possible. Your husband is just not ready for that. The pressure of your love is too much for him, for whatever reason. Whatever he us going through, he NEEDS to face and work it through. We can certainly be receptive to our spouses and do what we can for them to understand that we love them despite all the warts and whatever, but they must do this for themselges.
While they are busy mulling over thier reality of the universe, we need to look at ourselves and start to figure out what it is that we need in all of this. No more 1/2 measures...i am talking full on love affair with yourself.
What does this going to look like for a while. Picture cherry having a good time, what does that entail, what are you doing, are you by yourself, or with a group. Activities??? hobbies??? Clubs /organizations??? Getting out to a coffee shop to watch people or meet a girlfriend for tea, who cares what it is...need to find something.
Right now you really need to start looking at cherry, and finding that strong independant woman that we saw last spring...it seams you put her away when husband came back home. I understand how easy it us to fall back into habits, so lets create new habits. Let's figure out what cherry can start doing to find that beautiful, vibrant woman who is able to get along on her own.
Lets shrug some of that sorrow for now and really try to make a list of things you are doing for yourself, build on that. even if it's brainstorming and its crazy things that you never ever do, write it down anyway maybe something to pique your interest, maybe something will spark some excitement, maybe you'll remember something you've always wanted to do and just didn't do it. now is the time to really ramp this up, now is the time to take a step forward and start moving.
You wrote that you're working extended days and it's hard to find time for yourself. I know with a little one it's even harder. It bites that your feeling down, it is hard, it is painful. Nothing he does right now will help. Status quo is not going to do it either...it wont get better until YOU start to MAKE it better for you.
Hold you chin up, tighten those bootstraps, and lets start moving, ok.
Start tomorow, start small, stop off at a shop and treat youraelf to something...you are worth it. It is about time you really start to show you that. Then when you get home...stsrt on that list.
Zephyr, I can't express to you how much it means that you have took the time and the kindness to help me!
You've really encouraged me and made me motivated again to find the happy me. So today, I've made plans to meet a girlfriend at the weekend. I've also reached out to friends I haven't spoken to for years- this feels good.
I really want to start an exercise class, there's some I've always wanted to do but never done. I'm going to look into this and do it.
You're right, I think I did put her away. I'm finding the sassy me again. I was always outgoing and cheeky sweet- I have that young innocent look!! So I'm trying to build my confidence and get that back, I'm dressing good. Fashion is a big passion so I'm back to going all out.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I know it may come off as silly, but is a good fist step. The hard work is yet to come.
Actually writing out a complete list is a great way to take the next step. If you dont want to post it here, that is understandable but it really should be done to get a better start on 'what do i want to do?'
