Great job. You are right to be proud. Of that and of your current stance.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Do not decide whether or not to give her something based n what you think she will do or say afterwards. You cant possibly predict what that will be. Decide your action based on what you think is right.
I am hesitant to say that you should give her NOTHING as I dont think that you want to treat the woman you love in that way. I would think something small and thoughtful, like you might give someone at work would be appropriate. Or even just getting one of her favorite foods or something to have in the house around that time.
Mutatio congratulations on 7 years sober!! And thank you for your words of encouragement. It has taken me over a year to feel a little "normal" again. I really have to start living MY passion I was very comfortable living in H shadow - time for me to step into the sun
Thank you all for your support. It was not hard to do because I saw what the drinking was doing to my marriage and my children. I spent hard earned money to pour poison down my throat and damage the people I love. This was selfishness. My only regret is that I believed the drinking caused the problems and abstinence would solve them. We were in a marital crisis and needed professional help. That was then and this is now.
My wife owes a friend a homemade gift and asked me last year if I would make a particular thing for her to give to the friend. I had said yes but because the equipment was not working at the time so I was unable to make it. I have the equipment fully functional now. She has forgotten about it and will most probably will blow off the debt. This would be a surprise for her. My questions is:
Should I make it as a gift to my wife knowing she will give it to her friend?
Should I give her a gift so she fulfills a debt?
Should I make her something after she said don't make me any more gifts?
Amazing milestone mutatio, something to be proud of.
I think your thinking about this gift too much. What is it you want to do regardless of what she wants, thinks, or reacts?
If you said you would do it and want to keep to your word, make it give it to her and be done. No expectations about what she will do or say. If she asks you just answer honestly "I said I would make it when the equipment was working, so I did".
If you don't want to, then don't.
I'm sure by your questions you might be looking for a specific reactio. I also see you questioning your own motives, nothing wrong with that. I question my own motives all the time and rethink things. Generally if the motive is mostly to get a reaction out of them it's not likely to work out the way you want.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg. I am leaning towards making the gift. I will give it to my wife on Christmas after the gifts opening is done. I will give her the gift I made for her friend unwrapped. I will fulfill my debt but it will not be a wrapped gift under the tree. I still may buy her something small but I can't decide.
And I like your approach with the gift for your w's friend. It seems like the right thing to do.
I am going to treat my H great on Christmas. He does not "deserve" it but he is still my husband and this might be our last Christmas together, so he is going to get treated well. Whether my thinking is dysfunctional or loving I don't know.
Holy smokes Mutatio! 7 years is bad ass!!! Good for you my friend. I haven't even hit the year mark so guys like you are my idols. What an amazing gift you've given to yourself and your family for 7 years.
I'd say with the gift, do what's going to make you happy. If giving your W something lights up your day, do it. If giving her nothing makes you feel better, do that. As of now this is about you, not about her. I'm not sure if my W is going to get anything from me, if she does it will only because it makes me smile - even if on some level it upsets her that I'm still on the high road.
Congrats again and thank you for being another example of masculine strength in my life.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
