Yes, you're right about legal separation. If it's to protect yourself, then go ahead. Remember though, it is legally binding and will be operated through the courts and if you want to get any of it changed, you have to involve them in the whole process. Obviously, I don't know your financial situation, but if you can't get legal aid, it's gonna cost.
The house is easier. If it's in your name, and you have no tenancy agreement with your H, you can ask him to stay away (if he ever decided to come over) but I think in a D, you would be required to split the assets 50/50.
NDY is really good on the law side of things. Hopefully he'll pop in and have a word!
Yup, it's all these kinds of things I need to find out about.
I'm appreciating more and more the importance of protecting myself (in all sorts of ways). And I'm definitely starting to feel the benefits too. I guess that's what boundaries are for? Feeling safe, feeling strong, feeling like it gives you space to think and process things for yourself.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
Actually, NDY is an excellent guy. He helped me get up from the gutter when I'd been kicked so often. I noticed you're quite 'new' in to this. Don't give up. You really have to start pulling yourself out of the mire in order to help your wounds heal. I'm guessing you've got all the usual things; weight loss, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, emotional mess - the first thing to sort out is the emotional one. You really have to get a handle on getting up, getting dressed and smiling to yourself. I guess you've maybe felt suicidal - don't panic, in six months time (ahem....that'll be me then!) you'll look back and realise that won't help.
Yeah, lost tons of weight. Not really interested in eating and can't really sleep either.
On the plus side, I'm doing a great job of getting up and showing up I used to be a bit of a clothes horse and am really starting to enjoy that side of life again. I don't mean in a 'buying loads of stuff' kind of way, or a 'mutton dressed as lamb' sort of way. Neither of those are really my style. More in an 'enjoying experimenting with what I already have' kind of way, and making sure I always look my best. Been getting loads of compliments too (from both men and women).
I'm also getting to grips with GAL and have had some really positive experiences with what I've been doing for myself on that front as well.
I need to start dealing with physical health a bit more though. I'm really pretty healthy anyway, but it would be good to up my game on that front and learn to embrace and enjoy that. So that's next on the list for me.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
It's a big learning curve, but YOU WILL be OK.
Thank you.
I have a suspicion that in spite of everything, I am doing better than my H at the moment.
Hi Focus, it sounds as though you are doing as well as can be expected, so - good for you my friend. Physical health sounds like a good place to focus and again, it's very much an act of self-love to invest in your health....and we need all the self love we can get in these circumstances!
I have found yoga and meditating to both be helpful, and I journaled too for a while. I tend to use this forum as my 'journal' now - but there was a time I journalled a lot and it does help release some of the pent-up feelings. I also do a bit of primal screaming in the car if I'm feeling a little wound up.
I lapse now and again, but I have found those times when I'm cooking and eating well, going out for walks, swimming, yoga and meditating - these are the times when I feel so much better in myself. The sleep is a tough one, and does take a little while to settle. Again, I used to meditate during the night and I had a microwaveable lavender eye pillow that was very nice too - or reading helped. This will pass though I'm sure, and as you settle the rest of you, sleep settles too.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Sotto. And for your kind words of encouragement too. They mean a lot to me.
Today I've found I can lose my balance and fall off the tightrope over the most trivial thing. So I guess one aim for me for the future would be to learn to have a better sense of balance?
There's a huge part of me that still doesn't understand. It still doesn't make any sense. But at the same time, it all makes perfect sense and I totally get it (intellectually speaking).
I guess none of that matters really. It is what it is. And you can only deal with yourself in this present moment. Right?
I'm so tired though. I miss my H. I miss the conversations we used to have. We're so similar in so many ways (and so different in others).
Paradoxes, extremes and opposites...I guess that's what today has been about.
Focus. Don't worry about finding the most trivial thing upsetting. I went through town today, seeing the clothes shops wife used to take me in. I missed the whole idea of being a couple just looking together. I had to remind myself who she is and what she has done. After a good day with son I miss being able to talk it over with W. Be strong.
Keep hearing the same words echoing in my head, over and over and over.
One of my H's mentors, someone he admired all his life and finally got the chance of working with last year, telling me last year how very lucky I was to me married to my H.
Hello focus22. I hope that your mind is more at peace today. Try to remember that this has very little to do with you. Your husband has ran off the tracks and you can't stop it. Try to keep the focus on you and what is good for you and develop you into the most perfect focus22 that is possible. You are still young and anything is possible for you. Think about the person you want to be going forward and work toward that!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I've noticed that if I start thinking about him (and the past we have shared) I start feeling on some very shaky ground.
So my task is to keep the focus on myself and on the present moment as much as I can. And to stop myself going down those other paths.
I realise where I feel a loss (like, say, in the company we shared, or the conversations we had, or work we did together) I can find other ways of finding those things. I'd most definitely not be seeking to find them all in the same person, but from lots of different people.
Today I am grateful for:
* The news that my close relation will not need an operation and will be home from hospital * A friend I haven't heard from for ages (and who I thought had dropped of the radar) getting in touch again with a long, chatty and positive email * The warmth and friendliness of the people I work part time with * Hearing a very beautiful live performance of one of my favourite pieces of music * Achieving a life time business goal, of which I am very proud * Feeling full of life, and managing to be bright and wide eyed on only 4 hours sleep * Having the strength and willpower not to call, text or email (I think the last text I sent was on 23 October. It was a very neutral text, asking for information only).
And finally:
* The insight that I've managed to gain over the past couple of months.
So, your H wasn't lucky to be married to you? Ignore these simpletons - they will side with whoever they feel has the upper hand/better story to tell.
Focus is Focus. Just need to work on the here and now and not the past or future. Oh, by the way, none of it is your fault. We've all been at that point. You're still in hurt mode. Don't panic.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I used to be a bit of a clothes horse and am really starting to enjoy that side of life again. I don't mean in a 'buying loads of stuff' kind of way, or a 'mutton dressed as lamb' sort of way. Neither of those are really my style. More in an 'enjoying experimenting with what I already have' kind of way, and making sure I always look my best. Been getting loads of compliments too (from both men and women).