Thanks Peace. Always nice to know we aren't alone.
Ended up at home tonight. I'm not feeling very well. Cozy in my bed. Early bedtime sounds wonderful.
Cal managed to get a big school project done, I got my job done well, reached out for support and Louisa got her schoolwork done. Even with Mr. Regret poking his head out of his smokey cave. Life is still good. I'm just tired.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Struggling a little today. Matt has pulled back again. I know the drill. He reaches out, disappears. And, yes, I set the boundaries.
I just feel some of that withdrawal again--that little girl is re-experiencing the rejection/abandonment.
Could someone remind me why I set the boundaries? I look at my compulsions with spending and I think, "hey! Who am I to judge?" Not like I haven't done terrible things with money. I've hurt people... Yadda, yadda...
Why is he bad news again?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Honestly, I think it's more a matter of control with Matt. I'm his security blanket and he likes me in his back pocket. I'm not sure he even likes me much anymore. I'm the reminder of the bad shid he has done.
Answering my own question:
Why is he bad news again?
I didn't cheat. I didn't move in with someone else while married. I didn't abandon the kids for months/years. in fact, most of my overspending was to make things better for the kids.
Ok. I'm overwhelmed with all I have to do today/this week. He is a nice distraction. And, I think I'm angry because he comes in and teases us all--then GONE.
Victories!! Opened a bank account here. Got a big chunk of newspaper stuff done yesterday. Had a bunch of fun with Louisa yesterday. Got her a Christmas present she really wants. Got a great deal. Took some pressure off Christmas.
I think, under the desperate feeling... Tons of anger at this manipulation. How dare you come into our lives over and over and try to manipulate to make yourself feel better. He uses us to lift his shoddy feelings.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I caution people that from Thanksgiving to March 17th, their runaway spouses may begin to poke their heads of out the rabbit holes and not to think it's a true blue reconnection. Why do they do this? Because they actually remember the good times, i.e., family traditions that they shared in w/their families and yes, it's also a reminder to us that they are still out there (whether they realize they are doing this or not is something that still amazes me each and every holiday season).
One thing...detach even more so and do not engage w/him on anything but the children. The divorce has settled up everything else and quite frankly, you do not need this man popping into your life each and every holiday. He's bad news and it's evident that he still needs you as a security blanket. Time to cut the man loose. Your daughters are old enough to decide whether to communicate w/him or not. At this point in your life, you need to focus on you and your girls and create a new, happy and secure life for yourself.
Matt isn't good for you. He's not been there for you and the girls for a very long time. Yes, you can feel sorry for him, but when his communications take over your mind for any length of time, then that should be a sign that you need to keep your responses back to him as civil, but short and to the point. He needs to realize that you have moved on and what divorce means, i.e., you are no longer his safety blanket and he isn't your problem any longer. As for his questions about the pets...it's just to hook you into responding back to him. Don't take the bait.
Heather, you've come too far to backslide now w/the holidays around the corner. He's not happy and he certainly isn't too happy that life is looking good for you and the girls. He wants you right back where you were two years ago. Don't go backward...continue to move forward!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand that you still care what happens to your ex. I still care about what happens to mine, even though he's being such a jerk these days. And I think it's ok to reward the good behaviors and ignore the bad ones. He may start turning into someone who could at least be somewhat of a fasther in his girls' lives.
That being said, the first thought that popped into my mind when I read your post was the Buddhist principle: "All suffering comes from desire". The contact from him causes you suffering because you still DESIRE a reconciliation. You need to free yourself from that desire and live your life. Let's face it, even if he were starting to come out of his tunnel, the man needs YEARS of sobriety and counseling and inner work before he could ever become a worthy partner to you in the future, and the odds of him doing ALL of that work are pretty slim. You need to live your life and look FORWARD, and treat him as you would a disturbed friend or younger brother.
Blocked his number. Set FB to private. I feel a bit funny, but--he can connect with the girls without my number. There's really no reason for him to communicate. I sent a text with my mom's number in case there's some emergency I haven't considered.
He has been using my FB to watch our lives and, most likely, gather details to give his parents. I know his parents have stalked it too for pictures of Louisa. I'm done with that. Private Now. I'm not available so he can feel better about what he has done.
I can open a business page if I need to.
Feel a bit weird. Louisa and I went out and had some fun.
Have a busy week ahead.
This one guy keeps asking me out to watch football. I don't wanna watch football. Another guy wants to cook me dinner at his place.
I'm not sure I believe I deserve a relationship with a grown up man. I think I need to feel like a grown up myself first.
Last edited by LoisB; 11/29/1510:02 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You should totally take up the too guys on these dates. Although I'm not so sure about the football date. Why start watching football with a guy if you don't watch it when you are alone?
I used to watch football all the time with my ex and now that I don't have a man in my life, I don't follow it at all. Its fantastic, I have gained hours of time back from my Sundays. No more football is one of the biggest positives of my divorce.
You are doing awesome. Glad to hear that you are blocking him from Facebook, smart move
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I need someone kind. Generous. Understanding and not critical... Easy-going. Sober. HONEST. Not into games, manipulation or loose with my feelings. I've been abandoned and rejected a lot. I need someone sensitive to this fact and respectful of my history. Would prefer someone well-read, intelligent sense-of-humor... Likes Monty Python.
I also want him to be sorta tall. A beard would be nice. Rugged. Six feet or taller.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
