D-Day Tomorrow

[PigPen]

I don't see why you need all the dirty details to help me on this?

When you've spent enough time on this board Bobby, you see where people's resistance is. You could have answered this question and been on to the healing and growth portion a long time ago. But you're not. You're still here stuck arguing why the pros are asking you for something. You haven't moved forward. You haven't grown.

Until you're ready to be real, none of this works. Hell, even then it may not work, but it won't work at all until then.

So keep asking why Mr. Bond needs to know. Stay stuck on this question and then you don't have to do the deep work that's going to move you forward in your situation. Even if you're D gets finalized you can still use the process for your own benefit. You can grow in ways you never thought possible. You can change your whole life, how you exist in relationships, and the potential you have for your next one.

Or you can stay exactly where you are.

[MrBond]

Everyone is right. If you had actually told us fully what happened instead of arguing about it and saying how it was just between you and your W, then you wouldn't be in this mess.

And BTW, she is now no longer your W.

You want to know how to get her back? Answer the question.

[PigPen]

Please answer the question so Mr. Bond can tell you how to get her back.

I'm three weeks from my D being finalized and I want the same answer.

[Bobbyb]

I know why it was done. And so does she.
And it's something I would never do again.
So If I know why it was done. So I am asking you can't give advise on how to repair the marriage?

[woundedfool]

There is an old saying: If everyone in the room is telling you your drunk, don't argue your not drunk, just sit down.

There seems to be an overabundance of posters who are ready, willing and able to help. Yet you maintain its not important to go over.

Talk about putting the "cart before the horse".

Have you considered instead of the forums here, why don't you try calling a DB coach? While I am pretty sure they may ask the same questions, maybe you would feel better if it was a one on one instead of through a public forum/BBS.

[Bobbyb]

So Mr Bond is there a way tell you in privet instead of on the message board.

[Sotto]

Hi Bobby, there is no way to private message someone on these boards and posters can't share personal details. Might it help you to share the essence of what happened - but change some personal details?

For me, it's important for us to stand whether these pics were shared with your best friend, work colleagues, an online photo sharing site, her best friend or whatever - then we can get more of a feel for what happened. Also important is your motivation for sharing - what was it you 'got' out of sharing them?

But feel free to change some details if you can do that and convey essentially what happened.

[Azzork]

So Mr Bond is there a way tell you in privet instead of on the message board.

Im not trying to be insensitive, but Im having trouble understanding why there is so much concern for secrecy at this point. Lets accept as fact that you shared naked pictures or videos or something of your wife with somebody else. I dont care WHAT is in the pictures in the slightest.

What we want to understand is -why-.
- Someone paid you a bunch of money?
- You were in debt and used it as collateral?
- You were proud and wanted to show her off?
- You get turned on by other men looking at your wife?
- Someone held you at gun point and demanded it of you?
- You wanted to make her feel badly about herself?
- You wanted to exert your control or dominance over her?

The list goes on, but my point is that something about this act has caused a major rift in the relationship between you and her. Whether it's reparable or not remains to be seen. What IS known is that without facing your issues, it remains likely that something similar could happen again in a future relationship.

In any case, I believe the first step is to solve out why this happened so that you can move forward.

[Bobbyb]

Ok here it goes. Don't judge us, me or her.
Initially when we met we met other liked minded people on a website for "adult fun". There was no jealousy involved or anything like that. The trouble began when I continued to be active on this website and posted her picture. Not on the website but to private emails.
She had always told her not to send her picture out. And I didn't listen. And it came to a head when I posted a semi-naked one of her. And I then lied about it.
She had my email password. So I could never really hide that. I
knew she would find out. It became almost like a game to me. I was very proud of the way she looked. And liked the responses I would get back. The issue was me.

A. Not listening to her and respecting her wishes.
B. Lying to her.
C. Not ever involving her in this process. I would do it
behind her back.

As soon as we went to counseling and this came out. I finally realized how much I had hurt her. I vowed to never do it again. And I didn't. But her feelings were I had already told her I was going to do it. And that she didn't feel she could ever trust me.

So there you have it.
I might also mention about this same time this came out to a counselor. She was hanging out with a couple of single girls that had just both been dumped by their boyfriends. Before it was just me and her that would solve our problems. We didn't really have any other problems and had really rarely ever fought.
We had some financial difficulties at times but had work to resolve those.
I think I had a problem of minimizing the problem too.
Obviously I was ashamed to talk about it on here.
I told the whole story to my best friend. But he put too much emphasis on the whole (adult fun thing). When It was..and my ex will agree to this. Me not respecting her wishes and lying about it.

[Fogg]

No one is trying to judge you or make you feel worse for whats happened. If you read around there are people that come to these forums after cheating on their spouses for years and want to fix themselves. Some have been in abusive relationships and were the abuser, others have done worse things. All we care about is that you admit your faults and are working toward fixing them. There might be tough love involved but the people here really do just want to help you. That sometimes involves digging deep and bringing up things that are painful.

So you shared these pictures with the site even after she asked you not to, we can see how it was a break in her trust. What motivated you to do it. Why did you need that outside validation of how good she looked from strangers to feel better about you or your relationship. What was missing in either to drive you to do it.

We know what you did, now try to answer the bigger question of why you did it and how do you avoid doing anything like this in the future. Its easy enough to say "ill never do this again" but if you don't correct the cause its possible it will.

This is a safe place, no one is trying to get info just to humiliate you. We all have things we are guilty of doing in our M that led to its breakdown that we regret. All we can do is fix ourselves and move forward with our lives being a better person than we were before.