NDY and Max - Thanks again - all input is appreciated
The recorder is placed. She asked me to check over her car as she had accidently damaged the underside going over a kerb - so I took the opportunity.
It looks exactly like a thumb drive and I dont think W is computer savvy enough to realize what it is even if she finds it. I will leave it in about 1 week and see what transpires.
NDY - My IC called it an inappropriate friendship (EA in all but name!) and said W would justify all her actions because she was/is going through hell mentally/emotionally.
OM has at least a crush on W, W is more circumspect, batting back his replies/advances.
Their convos will reveal more of the truth. I have sat next to W this afternoon watching TV and W got one or two pings on her phone. Its hard to know whether they are texts or FB updates. She has become FB obsessed over the last 4 years with 280 FB friends and she likes or comments on a lot of other peoples posts, and might be getting replies to her comments or texts from any of her friends or indeed OM. I just have to ignore it.
There has been no disrespect today.
4 years ago W had no IPad, was not on FB, and had a crappy cellphone. Social media in my view distorts the real world and facilitates conditions for Spouses to become wayward.
I also found out that OM has 2 SS as well as his D12.
PS W said I looked good last night before I went out - positive
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/28/1503:42 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Social media in my view distorts the real world and facilitates conditions for Spouses to become wayward.
I agree. I shun social media for this reason. I know that there is some upside, and many people feel it is like a tool, neither good nor bad, that it all depends on the user. But people say that about guns too, doesn't mean I want to keep a loaded gun in my nightstand either.
This rant is slightly off topic, but one thing that's bothered me lately is society's acceptance of divorce. I can't change that. Or can I? I can at least cast my vote, right?
I am currently toying with the idea of not being friends with anyone that has initiated a divorce or had an affair. I feel it is my responsibility to cast my vote to reinstate the societal deterrent on these detestable acts. Maybe in this day and age that seems bizarre. I keep coming back to a few things though...I wouldn't be friends with a murderer or rapist either. I'm not saying divorce and affairs are at the same level exactly, but to me they are across the line of what types of people I will allow in my life. And if more people felt this way there might be enough deterrent to make people think twice. Instead it's too convenient to put a heartwarming chicken soup story on facebook and talk about their growth and everyone applauds. It makes me sick. Hell with all of them. I'm out. They can all cheat on each other. I'd rather have 2-3 friends in my life that agree this is garbage than be mr. popular among a group that behaves this way.
Where it is tough is that my father cheated on my mother. I think it is despicable...but you only get one father...and this was decades ago...so I haven't cut him out of my life. I guess this makes me hypocritical. This is why I'm still struggling with this concept. It's not easy.
But back to social media, yeah, it's not the devil, but it sure has potential for disaster. Hard to imagine being able to trust enough to feel comfortable with a partner spending a lot of time on FB. And I don't think I'm paranoid. These days I think I'm just realistic. Anyway, we'll see what the future holds...take care!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Max - recording will give me evidence/knowledge of an EA/PA and whether to treat W as a WAW or a WW. I will record for one week and then retire the device.
More to the point W went out this afternoon to a local Art gallery with S11. S11 is into art and they have been planning to go for a while.
They get back and W says 'you might not like this but we just bought an original painting for £750 ($1150)
I was a little taken aback as just two days ago W was saying how she didnt have much money this month and maybe we needed to not splash out on the kids this Xmas. She wanted to take money from the joint account to pay for kids presents.
Background: W isnt very 'homely', and rarely spends money on the house. We only have one other expensive painting by Damian Hurst worth £5000 which we chose back in 2012 after we reconciled.it was a bit symbolic. Also We have been saving for a year or more to get a conservatory for the house. She was putting any spare money into this saving account.
I validated and said it was fine and Im sure she chose a beautiful painting and I couldnt wait to see it.
She said things like 'its my money and I can afford it' 'I feel bad spending that sort of money at this time but its beautiful' 'Anyway you might take the 'Damian Hurst' (i.e. hen we separate.) - this comment p!ssed me off.
I didnt know what to say except to validate and tried to keep the conversation away from a discussion on who gets what after separation. I made reassuring noises and looked interested in what she bought and found a picture of the painting on the internet.
I'm a little saddened as the last big painting purchase was a joint purchase after reconciliation and this one she chose herself. She later said 'It was the painting that S11 and I liked the most - thats why I bought it.'
She was also then straight onto FB to tell everyone - except she didnt mention the artist or cost. I am also pretty sure she was FB messaging OM with the news. She was texting while talkng to S8 and I came and stood next to her and saw a nonsense cartoon that OM had sent her last Sunday. So on the one hand she was FB messaging him but on the other hadnt done so for a week - but she is probably calling him from the car.
Dont know what to think!
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Well at least she still values your opinion. But I'd leave it there. IMO the "I can afford it" is, as you said earlier her in the frame of mind that you are no longer a couple. Well ok. But was it her money? I mean did she earn it herself? If so then fine. She can sped her own money any way she likes.
But what was the reason for being frugal at Christmas?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Just to be clear her comments about the purchase were from a guilty stance (wanting me to give her the ok?)
There was no vindictiveness to her comments...in fact she came back into kitchen and said ' I feel guilty .....blah blah, I feel bad , blah blah'
Later she was checking her online banking accounts and I saw she has £6k in a saving account, his is around what I was expecting.
In the long run it doesn't matter that she spent this money. It will leave us with less cash but we have an asset.
Though I do see it as a negative that she didn't ask me before purchase, as she probably would have asked me before BD.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
We split monthly outgoings between us with her paying about 60% and me 40%. She earns about 30% more than me.
After my monthly commitments I have enough for spending on myself for gal , my hobbies, clothes etc but not much to save.
W earns more and when things were good between us would save for the big items 'holidays, any renovations on house, and latteRly a conservatory.
So it's her money in her savings account, but technically it's our money and if we D then all assets are split 50:50
The frugal thing at Christmas was because her current account was running low. Remember she went away for 4/5 weekends after BD including a spa weekend costing probably £250, the all day gym experience was £100. She also buys Xmas presents for friends as well as family, and has done some limited clothes shopping probably spending about £200. She expected there to be about £750 spare cash in joint account but I had spent £500 on a new oven and other household essential stuff. This was a surprise to her.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I just think you should focus more on yourself and less on your W or OM.
Regardless of whether she is leaving for herself or OM the bottom line is she is leaving. You have enough history to know you need to protect yourself and making important decisions.
To continue with this behaviour means less working on yourself and leaving yourself emotionally unprotected.
If you want your W back I dont think CSI is your best option.
I don't get this. We have similar lifestyles but my ExW's OM is clearly an ego boost whereas I can't see that in your W's OM (if that's what he is).
I kinda get the impression your reading too much into him. Now, that doesn't mean it's not an inappropriate R she has with him that should stop but it doesn't have the hall marks IMO.
I think you may be looking in the wrong direction. Idk but it just doesn't pass the smell test. Know what I mean?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
