You have to check if you can take money out of the joint account? Does she ask for receipts? My view is a joint account is just that, you both pay in, you can both take out, as long as it's for normal purposes.
I'd check that account. Has she paid for meals etc. with OM from it? That's a nice bit of evidence. Watch out you don't come across as controlling though. In fact, scrub that, sit on it until a later date.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Wait a minute Huddy. I wouldn't scrap that at all. That's actually not a bad idea. If you use online banking you can see transactions going back quite some time without it looking like snooping.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I need to observe and hold my tongue until I see the lie of the land.
Her interactions via, phone, email and text have been good all week, with her voicing her anxieties about cutting her mummy strings with S11. Her trying to accommodate me talking to the boys before bed . Generally emailing re future work bookings for me and arrangements to see S11 perform in Xmas concert.
Her last email yesterday for instance
Hi again! I'll make sure we're back for 6:30 - speak to you later :-)
Ok it's all friend zone with no real affection but it's better than it has been.
I will test recorder and put it in her car maybe tonight if I have time.
I need to see if she is excessively texting/hiding phone screen or see if her general openness towards me is because she has backed away from OM after her FB account was hacked ( yes, a pigs might fly hope from me!)
Then I see assess if her tone is disrespectful to me. Is she talking to me any less respectfully than one of her friends. This I will clamp down on.
I should be home by 5pm , then will unpack, eat, shower and change for a GAL night out. My first Xmas party this year! Then go to an IC session until 7:30 and then out to the pub for the party.
So I'll only see W for one hour tonight . It might be hard to do anything with recorder tonight
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I am all for verifying if we need to prove a point and so long as we know where to draw the line with snooping.
Have you ever looked at your signature below your profile? are you content on living each year with a BD and recon a few days later?
Right now you are going to a W that possibly has OM and disrespects you. Your answer is to put a recorder in her car?
I may be wrong here IS but shouldnt you stop worrying what she may or may not have and think about what YOU do and do NOT have?
How is this in any way dropping the rope, detaching, GAL, etc. Where is your self respect? How do you plan on working on yourself to get her respect? do you think you ever will?.. like this?
You have been taken on a roller coaster ride for too long, when do you call it a day? By that i do not mean D but think of you, your kids and how this affects them. How do you think your kids see you?
I agree that D should be avoided and I am NOT saying that you take that step but after 5 years... you have been up and down more times than a hookers draws.... when do you let go, see who you are, what you want and if at the end of the day this is really the life you want to live for the rest of your days..... worried when the next BD will be.
This is no way to live. You are so caught up in catching her out that you forgot if she is a catch at all.
Just think about it for a day. it is a worthwhile investment ... one day for the rest of your life.
Some on here advocate a more aggressive line, - some advocate getting all the intel possible (NDY and GB) then confronting.
I know its an EA and a completely inappropriate relationship in a MR. But W believes she is not married and we are just waiting until NY before we separate. Believe me I have gone through every scenario in my head over the last few weeks. Now EA is confirmed, I want to stamp on W, on OM (break his legs) and tell his partner. To tell my friends, family and W family......
I dont know OM full history but he is 39 and has been with his partner 13 years and they have D12 and SS17?
I will know where OM lives by Monday.
Back in 2012 after first BD, i was lucky and found DB books etc in a couple of weeks I had 6 months of hell but we reconciled after I did 180's and GAL - I was an [censored] to live with and I sorted ME out but WE didnt sort out the underlying MR problems. W didnt take any responsibility for our problems and I didnt question it - I wanted R at any cost. I didnt take advise on here to get counselling and other help because I was so elated at the overnight reconciliation. Back then she was a WAW not a WW. I snooped back in 2012 but it was easier then with less security on phones - I could not find any evidence of EA/PA . I worked on fixing me and that led to R - just like DB book .
The 2nd BD was after she read some of my self-help books on my kindle and convinced herself I was manipulating her for R.
The next 2 years were good, then the drift. The 3rd BD wasnt really a BD, more like a plea from me to sort out our problems as I could feel the drift.
The presence of OM has threw me completely in Oct and I guess I was in denial. My W has integrity and wouldnt do such a thing etc.
The confrontation re:OM is coming but I want full intel as to whether it is a PA or not.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Max - Also I am quite detached in my interactions with W. Pursuing to a minimal, no phonecalls, unnecessary texts or emails. I dont bring up R, or follow her round house, i dont do excessive housework , just what I have always done, I GAL - 3 nights this week already.
I obey the 37 rules.
I try to do what works - remember 2012 ....I do some of the things that worked then but most were GAL or learning to validate and listen or getting physically fitter etc. For instance W loves a shoulder rub and/or foot massage. Before 2011 I rarely did either - whilst Dbing in 2012 I did many footrubs and continued after R. I have done dozens and dozens of foot rubs since and she loves them. Last Sunday I did another footrub and she thanked me. Is it pursuing Yes, probably, but its also doing what worked.
I agree i am not detached emotionally at all. I weigh up every interactions into a positive or negative, its the OM that is killing me emotionally. If OM was not in picture I would be a lot more detached.
Its a balancing act - tough love and doing what works
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
The OM is also married, has 2 D, goes to same Gim as W, I know where he works and I know the area he lives. I know his FB as well as his W's.
I told him 2 times to back off. He didnt. I finally went to his work place and confronted him and as he was smug behind the counter said I would see him in the openess of the gim entrance. He got the memo.
I know how it started and almost when.
I think I have a pretty accurate idea of how things developed.
What I do not know is what they said or did.
My W rarely went out on weekends but as I travel a bit she would have had plenty of time. Sometimes she would go to a night out and come back around 2-3 am. Dinner here is around 11:00 pm.
The point is .. who cares if it was a PA. Does it make it easier? In my case no.
I threatened the OM as a man to man thing as he knows me from the Gim. Not to protect R.
The correct way to protect R is for her to shut him out.
I cannot go around bashing every guy I suspect is playing with my wife. I need to have my W not want to play around. Only if W makes it clear to someone she is not interested and they persist would I intervene but thats different.
I think my W has messed around max twice and very many years between each. The first one I dont know,just a hunch and i cant act on hunches against her.
We are grown men and sometimes have a deep relationship with a W on a healthy level. No benefits and do care deeply but it stays that way. We would be open to misinterpretation as well if W found out so Ill take note of possible A #1 but just store it.
A #2 is proven and admitted. Im no angel, I broke off from my OW a year ago and in the process lost a friend but I knew W was uncomfortable deep down so I respected her feelings. I put W first.
In short Is, and as cadet put it, work on yourself and your R. The OM is a distraction. If you do confront him your W will probabl back him, hate you and make him OM#1. Now you may have to worry about OM#2 if your W decides to continue looking elsewhere. so everyone is the problem but your W? Guess again.
Seriously Is, work on your life and show your W that for the time being YOU LHBNILWH and have no time for silly behaviour. You have something more important to attend to ... IS...
Hi guys. Can I just clarify that the gathering of Intel shouldn't be at the expense of IS working on himself but it is needed so that IS understands what he's dealing with.
This isn't about confronting the OM. He's not the problem. She is. As has been said many times on these boards and elsewhere females can only be romantically attached to one man at a time. I believe this. I think it's true and IS needs to know if his W is romantically attached to this guy or not. If she is then the way he deals with his W will be dramatically different from a WAS.
But the Intel part is, as you point out Max a fine line. If the A can be proved beyond a shadow of a doubt then words aren't necessary in a confrontation. Also, this may well be a deal breaker. And this requires even more work on yourself IMO because it's heartbreaking.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
