Thanks guys. There is always the .00001% chance that my standing up for myself may help to bring her out of the fog. I'm not betting on it though. She is VERY used to getting her way on things. Especially since BD when I went into super H mode.
Most of the changes I proposed were minor, a couple words here and there. The one she will scream about is that I want bought out. It will add to her debt, but that isn't my problem. She wants me to just give her everything. That isn't fair to my kids either, I have them 3 days a week and they need a nice place to live too.
For some reason, I have the urge to tell W that although I do not want a D, I do not want her to be unhappy and if she is truly happy without me, then I will not stand in her way. Also, I would like to ask her to promise me if she changes her mind to tell me. Forget pride or whatever. I would think that she would, the old W would, if nothing more than for the sake of the boys.
Time will tell.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Thanks guys. There is always the .00001% chance that my standing up for myself may help to bring her out of the fog.
Who knows. I wouldnt worry about it.
Originally Posted By: dday
Most of the changes I proposed were minor, a couple words here and there. The one she will scream about is that I want bought out. It will add to her debt, but that isn't my problem. She wants me to just give her everything. That isn't fair to my kids either, I have them 3 days a week and they need a nice place to live too.
Why would she POSSIBLY deserve to have 100% equity in the house? Let her scream.
Originally Posted By: dday
For some reason, I have the urge to tell W that although I do not want a D, I do not want her to be unhappy and if she is truly happy without me, then I will not stand in her way.
Here's the thing. Of COURSE shes going to say shes happy right now. So telling her this right NOW is a total waste. It will just make you look weak. Until she really looks inside, she isnt going to "be truly happy". She thinks happiness is something you can FIND, not something you CULTIVATE. Say this with your actions; your words will only push her away.
Originally Posted By: dday
Also, I would like to ask her to promise me if she changes her mind to tell me. Forget pride or whatever. I would think that she would, the old W would, if nothing more than for the sake of the boys.
That rope getting heavy?
Why make her promise that? By the time she might be ready, who knows where you will be. If she WANTS to be with you, she will seek it out. Dont worry.
Thanks az. I keep thinking that pride will do things to keep her away. Yes, that rope is heavy, and restrictive! I also feel like this still isnt the end. But I think this line of thought hurts me more than it helps me somedays
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
For some reason, I have the urge to tell W that although I do not want a D, I do not want her to be unhappy and if she is truly happy without me, then I will not stand in her way. Also, I would like to ask her to promise me if she changes her mind to tell me.
Well it's not about pride. It's about not pursuing and pushing her away. That's still relationship talk, and is generally a no-no. Honestly (and I only think this because I've done this too) I think you're still thinking along the lines of, "If I just come up with the right combination of words, she will magically see the light...and if I don't get them out there before it's too late, I will have blown my chance."
Which means you still have a lot of detaching to do, and you're not fully accepting that it's not about you. I don't think it hurts to say some of those things, but I don't think you really mean them. If she changes her mind, she will tell you.
Keep it to "just the facts, ma'am" unless she explicitly and definitively says she wants to work on the M and suspend the D.
^^ good points by Azzork. Dday, believe me I've been through enough urges to tell W something, still do. These things come out on their own or they don't need to be said. Right now your W is going to say she's happy withour you and there is nothing you can do about that. You try and fight it and all your doing is cementing the idea in her mins that your the problem. A problem that she will continue to look at and want to run to away from to find her happiness. Get out of her way in that regard and let her see where it leads.
Please, please do not ask her to tell you if she ever changes her mind. It makes it look like you can't live without her and will wait around for her forever. The attitude you need to move toward (without needing to tell her but through your actions) is that while you love her you recognize your value as a man and are moving forward with your life and if D is what she wants she can have it. That you will be fine. You said it before so don't feel the need to say it over and over.
Another point, don't think you will be the one to break through her fog. You can do everything perfect and it mean nothing. Your actions may influence it but it breaking will be mostly dependent on her and will happen on her time frame, if at all. Her path, remember that.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Ok, I am having an issue with being cold. W acted almost normal, except she didn't sit beside me. Left another parent in between us, but I was up taking s4 to the bathroom when she got there. So I guess it was me that put in a buffer.
Boys told me that W parents met them at the tree farm and cut down a tree with them. That hurts a lot. She is using them to fill in for me a lot these days. Maybe it helps the boys cope? I just feel discarded and replaced.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
You're very keyed in on every little thing she does/doesn't do. My parents call it being in an "obsessive-compulsive loop". It doesn't help you. What it says to me is you're looking for any little sign that you can pin your secret hopes on. Again, not helping you. I only think that because I've done the exact same thing. It only insures more continued suffering than is necessary because we do it to ourselves.
Xmas is family time. They did the tree thing with their mom and grandparents. You can choose to be glad the kids have extended family to support and love them through these times they have no control over.
You've GOT to stop checking out every little thing W does or says or thinks or doesn't do or doesn't say or doesn't think. The best way to not think about W is to keep your brain occupied with something else. When you were listing grateful things, I urged you to try to find new things to be grateful about besides listing just things about your kids. It's time to expand your circle. It's time to really grow OUT.
tl2, you are right. I do have hopes, and I let them build up an expectation. I would love for that to not happen, but I haven't yet figured out how. I will try to look at the inlaws, who are trying to help, as just that. Trying to make a bad sitch a little less painful on my kids. (they mentioned that nanny wasn't as much fun as me doing the tradition, which is selfishly kinda nice)
Az, I would also love to not watch my W. But I haven't discovered how yet. I need to get into the habit of listing again too. It seemed to help put a good start to my day.
__________________________________________ I am grateful for my sis coming over and putting a goofy christmas tree on my wall. Kids love it.
My coworker warning me about the speedtrap near work this morning!
Going on a mini vacay this weekend. Haven't done anything for just me in a long time
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I would also love to not watch my W. But I haven't discovered how yet.
Here's my opinion...from the post I just left you:
Originally Posted By: Azzork
The best way to not think about W is to keep your brain occupied with something else.
And not just ANYTHING else. But new, exciting, fun stuff. Going to football games and mini-vacations is a great start. But I want to hear about NEW things you are doing. NEW experiences that you are having. Can you join a meetup or some other kind of group? How can you make NEW friends?
The biggest thing for me was that when I was married, all of my friends were really XW's friends who kind of became my friends through her. So, they always considered me as my ex's husband. But since BD, I've gone out and made new friends that know me as "Azzork" and just know that I have an XW. But they like me because of who I AM, not who I KNOW.
Through that process, I gained so much self-confidence, companionship, self-respect, faith, hope...you name it. Once you start getting all of that stuff back, it's easy to not worry so much about your W, because you see that that relationship just isnt that important.
In my opinion, you seem, almost, scared to take that step. Like you cant let go, due to the fear that she wont come back.
