My youngest son had an argument with him recently. (This is the child who sees ex most clearly and doesn't buy the excuses I offer for ex's most egregious behaviors).
The argument was about money and ex unwisely attacked me, which was not well received by son and son's girlfriend.
One of the statements ex made was to claim that 25% of his income goes to alimony to me. This is patently false. The alimony costs him approximately 11% of his after tax income (ex was never good with math and taxes!).
Considering that we were married 24 years, he earns 3 1/2 times what I do, my career was mommy tracked while raising 3 high needs kids, and he negotiated alimony down to 10 years from 12, and we compromised on a figure for my income halfway between what I actually make and what he imagines I could make......I feel our alimony agreement was quite fair.
However, since our divorce he has stuck me with every extra child expense that he was not obligated to cover, and used the excuse to the adult kids that he was already contributing,by paying me alimony (which, of course, is not alimony).
I did send the ex a brief email explaining his math error. (Hopefully he'll be a little less pissy if he realizes he only pays me half as much alimony as he thought).
Here's my conundrum: I would like to explain this math to my other kids, so that they will realize this is a BS excuse he has been using for his stingy behavior. I know from past conversations that he has run this BS on the kids before but didn't realize he was making such wildly false claims. However, I also don't want the kids to feel stuck in the middle.
Have any of you dealt with a similar sitch?
(Btw, I DO believe that ex has deliberately stuck me with helping the kids as a way to get back qt me for receiving alimony. At the same time, I do believe he actually didn't understand the math and tax implications and honestly believed he was paying 25% instead of 11% of his income to me. )
Don't do it. I pay everything. The kids know this. He gives them birthday & Christmas gifts & that's it. Even for Ryan. I get no alimony. Nada. I get grief. But I've learned to stop talking to the kids about him. To be peasant to him (& know he is a loser).
Our kids got the short end of the stick. They know their dads are dicks. They don't need to be reminded. Sometimes it is just better to smile and nod. And keep being the awesome parent that you are.
Barb - I generally agree with you, and in fact, that's often why I try to put a positive spin on the ex's behavior when I can. (Even when that positive spin consists of "I don't know why he acts that way, maybe it's all those concussions he had").
However - I know at least one of the kids has been influenced somewhat by his argument that he pays me a quarter of his income in alimony and therefore it is right that I should foot the bill. I feel it is important that their image of ME isn't tainted by some mistaken notion that I'm some bloodsucking ex receiving an inappropriate amount of alimony. I'd like to simply factually lay out the numbers so that they know what the truth is.
(and btw, those extra expenses add up to about $100,000, so I'm not talking about peanuts here. Basically, if ex were splitting these extraordinary expenses with me, he'd owe me $50k. Yes, they're adult children so he's not legally obligated to help, but they've had some serious problems related to their mental health (all three have been suicidal at one time or another).)
I think it's fair enough to dispel the myth that your XH has been really hard done to in the D and is giving you a 'generous' amount.
I don't think you need to go as far as laying all the numbers out - but I do think you could comment that XH may not have fully understood and the amount is actually around 10% and of course agreed as 'fair' by those involved in the settlement. And I think you can say this all in a really pleasant way, but let them (or the concerned one only) know that you wouldn't want them to think there had been an unfair arrangement reached.
Whatever you do, I would pick your moment and keep it brief, firm and pleasant.
JMHO of course...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, sent him a brief note correcting the math (kept it simple) that he is actually only paying me 11% of his after-tax income. He wrote back with a super simplistic calculation (dividing the total alimony into his gross) and came up with 14% (not correct, because it comes off of his top tax bracket - when he's done paying me, his after tax income will only rise 11% because his taxes will go up so much). I wrote back to correct him that it IS 11%, but didn't go into the math, as I'm not sure he can understand it (he never was good at this).
He had apologized, but then invalidated it all by claiming he spewed at our son because he "said mean things to me" (umm, who is the adult parent in this relationship??) and by claiming that the kids had said things to him in the past that gave him the idea I was discussing him behind his back (no idea what he's referencing, as he seldom even comes up unless the kids are asking me why he's doing something selfish - and even then I usually try to put a positive spin on his behavior when I can. Or just throw up my hands and say sorry, I don't really know who he is today.)
Meanwhile, just before he left on an expensive surf vacation halfway around the world, he pulled $30 out of son's bank account (presumably because he thinks son needs to be responsible and pay his share of his cell phone bill - but, umm, all the money son has comes from ME right now, so he might as well have just reached into MY pocket and taken $30. Which he clearly needs because, you know, it's a struggle to pay for exotic vacations in the far east.)
Btw, I pay for the other two's phone bills on my plan.
Haven't discussed all this with my other two kids yet, I don't think they even know about the argument yet and both youngest son and I are tired of dealing with the negative vibrations around discussing all of this. It has made me realize how much ex's behavior still negatively impacts MY emotions and health. Have to watch out for that.
-the divorce! Although it was the most painful experience of my life,with the help of the good people here it also became the biggest growth opportunity. It pushed me out of my comfort zone in a big way, and I've become somewhat fearless as a result.
-my new man, who has taught me what it feels like to be appreciated in my entirety
-my kids, who will all be at my house today for Thanksgiving
-my friends, some of whom will also be here today
-my work, which fulfills me and supports me in a modest but comfortable way
