So I shared something with her this morning this is word for word from the email I sent her, I thought she should know. If you're not religious please be kind and understand:
Last couple nights, I actually felt good almost normal when I went to bed, in fact I got a decent nights sleep for the 1st time in a long time. I’m starting to realize that wondering and asking “why” is like wrestling with a shark with my hands tied. That maybe is something to address some other time or say that’s for you to workout and make sure that there is never a why again. I’m still obviously dealing with the hurt and pain, it’s going to take time but at least I’m starting to feel a little bit normal, and maybe I’m starting to see that there is hope.
I want to share this last Christmas when we were at church I prayed excessively to God the whole time we were at mass, I asked please give you and me the strength and ability to make US right. I feared and had an idea of what was going to be, but didn’t believe it. When i went to mass last weekend, I took a knee and I said “God the last time I was here, I asked for strength for us and look what happened… how? why?” Father came out and before starting mass spoke to the congregation and said “if you are here because you want to strength to forgive someone you love.” He said other things, but that was the one… “I looked up and said, and I believe.. “this is our test, this is the hardest path we will have to follow to test us and our love for each other our Faith. “ That was when I felt, that this as f*ked up as it is is our opportunity to do it the right way, to love each other as we need, to build US as a better us! This is his way of giving us what I asked for, that we have to feel the lowest, the worst we can for us to have the best! That we will be better and that we need to rebuild US. It's crazy how he works!!!! I always remember you saying after you broke up with me you asking God how could this happen? Last thursday i was talking to 2 guys I know here one is a pastor and we spoke as we walked back from the gym and he talked about a reading from the bible (this is after I spoke about going to church and how it was amazing how the words spoken were the words I needed)... he said “when David and his guys were walking and struggling and for days that God was there, Jesus saw and once he saw that he was really needed He came to them and gave them the path they needed after doing the hard work.” It fits us.
My faith is strong, even though we don’t go to church, my faith is strong and this has renewed my Faith and my faith in us too. I'm working hard to fell better, to be ok for the holidays.
When you said “Love you and please be mine forever:)".. I loved that!!!!!! You have no idea how little treats like that make me feel.
I hope the above makes sense, and you believe it as I do. I love you very much, and I am yours forever till the day I leave this earth! My heart and soul is yours as I hope the same for you... +++++++ Her response: I am glad you are feeling better about things. I want the holidays to go well and for you to enjoy them. I love you.
Then via text she said: everything happens for a reason and that she believes what I said that this could make us stronger. *******
Is it unrealistic for me to expect a better response? LOL It pissed me off to tell you the truth. I'm in a funk right now, feeling a bit ANGRY! Felling like why should i do this? gRanted I love her alot, but maybe I should maybe look at something else. It makes me feel alot of times like she's upset she got caught more than anything... she say she's ashamed but I'm like where the f* was that when you were chatting? Then setting up a plan to go down and run a marathon and meet this f*k... UGH! Man I'm angry right now... Turkey day tomorrow and I could give a f*k.
KTfo, I am somewhat hesitant to say this, b/c I don't want you think I'm trying to pull down your faith. I have been on sides, as a faithful Christian and as a wayward sinner. I am going to just spit it out. You aren't the first man and won't be the last to turn to God when he is scared and doesn't know what else to do. You want God to make things right in your M. I get it.
I am not here to offend you or hurt your feelings. More than that, I don't want to see misplaced faith. I really do want to see you brow spiritually. Many people use what they see as "faith" or "believing" or "prayer"..........much like someone would rub a lamp and expect a genie to grant their wish. Of course, we know that God is not some magical genie, Santa Clause, a Christmas miracle, or whatever. Trust me, people have tried to bargin, make deals or promises, just to get what they want from God. However, God doesn't work that way, and man usually makes things worse for himself, by trying to help God. The scripture says, "All things are possible with God", and I believe it. So please don't misunderstand that point. If God doesn't do it, man can usually look no further than his own heart to see why.
God created man and woman to have free volition. He could have set it up where we had no choices at all. So many times I have heard people ask God "why" did He let this or that happen, or why didn't He give them what they asked of Him. God gets blamed a lot, right? Anyway, having free volition plays a huge part in the scheme of things in our lives.
There are, at least, three things to keep in mind. One is that when we pray, it has to be within the will of God and not contrary to His Word. Second is that every person involved in your situation and around you and your W has free will. Third, God will take care of you and do what's best for you.....even if you can't see it. before you jump to the wrong presumption, yes, God wants your M to be saved. It doesn't mean He's going to make your W do something against her own volition. See what I mean? However, He certainly can work circumstances around effectively. Our part is making sure we are in the center of His will.
In all honesty, to a WW, your letter is a lot of emotional pressure. You are telling her about how you are placing all this faith in God to do this & that in the MR.........which obviously includes her. That places pressure on her! Does she not do what you told her you are praying about, and therefore, take a chance in totally destroying your faith? Does she succumb, and just grit her teeth and try to get through one more Christmas? If I were in her shoes, I would be FURIOUS with you! I would accuse you of being unfair and pulling the religion card, b/c that is exactly what you have done to her.
Let me give you a hint as to how I know you were using it. You wrote this long, emotional email. Then you anxiously awaited her answer. She did not respond the way you expected. Yes, you were stocked full of expectations.......and I am not talking about faith-based ones, either. You took the entire thing out of God's hands and took it upon yourself to apply the pressure on your W. sorry, but that's not faith. Faith is when you leave it all up to God, without trying to help Him. It pi$$ed you off that that's all she had to say? Really!
Quote:
I'm in a funk right now, feeling a bit ANGRY! Felling like why should i do this? gRanted I love her alot, but maybe I should maybe look at something else.
Do you think God would answer your prayer after you having this attitude? Admit it, you used it just like a charm piece. Even if your heart was right when you prayed, I think you could say you kind of messed up. Get your own heart right, and then leave her to get her heart right with God. You can't pressure her like you did. You can pray for her, privately, but don't turn around and tell her. (More pressure). Then rest in the Lord. Keep your own heart and life clean, do what is right unto the Lord, and leave the rest up to Him. Let Him impress her heart. He doesn't have to have you to do it for Him.
In true faith, you would not have these kind of feelings, b/c you would be depending on what God could do, instead of what you can do. You would not react negatively when things do 't go like you wanted it. Who knows, maybe God is allowing you to learn a lesson here?
Please don't see my words as judgmental, but hopefully, as another Christian trying to help you learn and grow. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not offensive at all and it was just me saying look this is the path to being better. That's all..no pressure teally. It was something that I experienced an presented...more and more I get the feeling should stfu and it's probably true. I'm a wreck and saw light that's it really. I'm just looking for hope. I'm black and white. I don't expect anything from her. I know now what the deal is. I wanted to share hope. Maybe that's wrong, no pressure no nothing. .. I'm battling for peace of mind in a fd up situation. I'm done sharing with her if thats what is thought. Thanks for your help
it's hard to just let go and let God bc we don't see His master plan. We're fixers and we want to fix. But God doesn't need our help. God has a plan for us that is better than we could imagine. " I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans of hope and of a future."
I'm more writing this for myself. I have to repeat this verse to myself dozens of times a day. I also find myself giving my M and my W over to Him several times a day.
It's out of my hands. I've done all I can do
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
If you can try to understand that she is not feeling the same hope. Maybe you didn't know it was pressure to her. I am not saying you were intentionally trying to pull her into the same place with you, but surely in your heart you knew that's what you wanted. That's why you felt so let down, afterwards. Anyway, I was trying to tell you from her viewpoint.
I suggest you step back for a few days, so that she can see that you aren't going to press her.
I remember a time when my H and I were out of church, and when his brother would come around us he would start talking about it. His brother was growing in the church and excited about it, and he wanted us to be like him. However, I avoided him b/c it was pressure and guilt.
In a MR, the emotional pressure is more intimate b/c you read each other. You know each other so well.
When we have a wonderful experience with God, it is natural to want to share that with your spouse. It is also natural to want you and your spouse to walk hand in hand before God. It hurts when your spouse is pulling away and does not want to share this with you. Many Christians have to go to church alone, leaving their spouse at home. It seems to be the most difficult to talk about this to a loved one who has rebellion in their life. Our job is to put them in God's hands, pray for them consistently, and just walk the walk.
We talk about making changes in ourselves. A lot of newcomers want the spouse to see their new changes. That's natural. But again, in the viewpoint of the wayward.......they may not be ready to accept it or want it. Some get angry and say, "Why did you wait till now to change"? Does the newcomer give up and return to their old ways? Not if he's making the changes for the right reasons.
You did the right thing when you poured your heart out to God. You felt refreshed and renewed. However, she didn't have it, b/c her heart is wayward and she has walls around her. It doesn't jive with what God wants, so she naturally will resist it. That was for you, and I know you felt like you hit bottom all over again when she showed no excitement, interest, or give no words of hope. Here's the thing.........you have to do this for you. Live your life before God, and she will see. She will see how you talk, react, handle things, and ost of all, your attitude.
As you can see, I am a talker, too. I have learned that I can keep my mouth closed and just do what I would do if Christ was sitting here beside me. Our actions and attitude speak so much louder than our words.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made. I will be glad and rejoice in it".
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
it's hard to just let go and let God bc we don't see His master plan. We're fixers and we want to fix. But God doesn't need our help. God has a plan for us that is better than we could imagine. " I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans of hope and of a future."
I'm more writing this for myself. I have to repeat this verse to myself dozens of times a day. I also find myself giving my M and my W over to Him several times a day.
It's out of my hands. I've done all I can do
THanks man, I guess the point I was trying to get across was ... that to have the better relationship you have to hit the bottom and rebuild it.
I don't know his plan none of us do, I do question how this could be part of a plan LOL man this is pretty freaking low!!!! IT's thanksgiving and I"m thankful for 1 thing, and that's going to jiu jitsu at 10am, my kids and a bottle of wine later..
I hope you all have a great and Blessed Thanksgiving.
sandi2, thanks I do understand.. I appreciate your help here.. I'm going to just sit back now, and just be. I'm struggling right now with everything and man, it [censored]! I actually was going through texts looking for a picture I thought I had and scrolled all the way back accidentally to when the A happened and it gutted me again. I almost want to just get rid of my texts..
Have a great thanksgiving, I'm trusting in God's plan although I'm pretty upset THIS is part of it LOL but I have to trust in what the Lord has put in front of me.
Thanks!
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If you can try to understand that she is not feeling the same hope. Maybe you didn't know it was pressure to her. I am not saying you were intentionally trying to pull her into the same place with you, but surely in your heart you knew that's what you wanted. That's why you felt so let down, afterwards. Anyway, I was trying to tell you from her viewpoint.
I suggest you step back for a few days, so that she can see that you aren't going to press her.
I remember a time when my H and I were out of church, and when his brother would come around us he would start talking about it. His brother was growing in the church and excited about it, and he wanted us to be like him. However, I avoided him b/c it was pressure and guilt.
In a MR, the emotional pressure is more intimate b/c you read each other. You know each other so well.
When we have a wonderful experience with God, it is natural to want to share that with your spouse. It is also natural to want you and your spouse to walk hand in hand before God. It hurts when your spouse is pulling away and does not want to share this with you. Many Christians have to go to church alone, leaving their spouse at home. It seems to be the most difficult to talk about this to a loved one who has rebellion in their life. Our job is to put them in God's hands, pray for them consistently, and just walk the walk.
We talk about making changes in ourselves. A lot of newcomers want the spouse to see their new changes. That's natural. But again, in the viewpoint of the wayward.......they may not be ready to accept it or want it. Some get angry and say, "Why did you wait till now to change"? Does the newcomer give up and return to their old ways? Not if he's making the changes for the right reasons.
You did the right thing when you poured your heart out to God. You felt refreshed and renewed. However, she didn't have it, b/c her heart is wayward and she has walls around her. It doesn't jive with what God wants, so she naturally will resist it. That was for you, and I know you felt like you hit bottom all over again when she showed no excitement, interest, or give no words of hope. Here's the thing.........you have to do this for you. Live your life before God, and she will see. She will see how you talk, react, handle things, and ost of all, your attitude.
As you can see, I am a talker, too. I have learned that I can keep my mouth closed and just do what I would do if Christ was sitting here beside me. Our actions and attitude speak so much louder than our words.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made. I will be glad and rejoice in it".
I'm not at all religious, but I want to offer my thought anyway.
It's one thing to "find God" and to "see light". If that's what helps you to get through this time, then great. I'm all for it.
But it's totally another thing to impose this and share this with your W. What you saw and what you believe is for you. From what I can gather, the only reason you shared that with her was with the expectation that she would reciprocate in some way. If you truly did it with no expectations, then you wouldn't have been upset afterwards.
Sandi totally nailed what she wrote up there. Read it a few times before you try to share more of your revelations with your W.
In my mind, I was truthfully trying to just share that I found hope. I'm not a complex guy, I felt bad after because of something else. I'm done sharing. If it was some deep psychological think that I'm not aware of then "ktfo stfu" lol... it's bad enough we are here in this place, I'm not going to compound things.
