Dealing with the Holidays

[ktfo]

Amen man! My W keeps saying and has said through me finding stuff "you're scaring me I don't want to lose you" LOL you didn't think about that in March when you did this.. man I'm really stewing right now! LOL

I said in MC "we are dead, we'll never be those other people that we were. This "Thing" will forever change us, and nothing will ever be the same. I'll never see her the same way again". I think that shocked her .. but well WHAT DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! lol Oh man i'm just laughing at the stupidity of this whole thing right now.. I can't wait to leave work.. i'm taking my D20 to kickboxing tonight then I'm training jiu jitsu till I'm half dead! LOL

Good luck to you man! GS9 you sound like a good dude! YOu deserve the best man!

[gonegrl]

At least she says she doesn't want to lose you! My H is acting like he is doing my a huge favor by staying here.

[ktfo]

pho, I HATE THAT! you're doing him a favor! I said to my wife "you need to win me back!".. I don't think she understands that sometimes.

pho, you deserve better we all do! I love my wife I would NEVER DO IT TO HER!

I'll say what I said to gs9, work on yourself! make youself better FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE TO BE BETTER! With or without him you need to be happy with you!

I'm trying to love ME again, I'm a good man! I put people 1st, i'd give you the shirt off my back food of my plate.. I deserve better than this. I love who I am I will not change that.

[gs9]

I have definitely not been perfect. At times not even a good H but this is crazy. To tell me that she loves me more than anything in the world but not be willing to try to fight for this M. Not willing to stop talking to other men. I think she believes it's too far gone and that we need to have a complete reset. She's actually told me she believes the D will go through, we'll have separate homes and then I'll call her up and ask her to go for a walk or something. As issues arise we'll go see a counselor. We won't call it dating we won't label it but then someday there may be a new proposal, new ring and a new ceremony.
Being stubborn I've thought to myself no way. I even told the couple we've been talking to but honestly I have imagined a fresh start with her. I know she can be the woman she says she wants to be. I'm just amazed she's giving up on our M.

Ugh! Can't wait to get to the gym

[gs9]

I also believe she needs to win me back but I don't think she sees it this way.

[ktfo]

gs9, that's an issue then... she absolutely needs too. And hey non of us are perfect! WE all make mistakes, but mine NEVER involved another human or an A or EA.. NEVER.. cause it's not in my make up.

It's sad her brother did the samething to his now ex-wife.. got in the best shape of his life at 40 and started an A with some girl at his work. She always would say "im not him" .. well she is!

I had a horrible day at work and a horrible day dealing with myself and my head with the f*kn holidays here. I just walk in the house my daughters playing Christmas music and I want to just punch the radio and throw it out the f*kn window. She's has to work a football game tonight and is like "your rushing around the house do you have to leave right now.." stupid me sensitive to HER says no.. just a long day. I'm ready for kickboxing and jiu jitsu and man I need it right now.. F*k me is all I can say LOL I really really really f*kn hate this place right now.

[Jpeg]

Careful re the wine. Thats what I did last Christmas when H had just BD - I had a little too much and almost threw up in church

[gs9]

ktfo
I hope you were able to release some of that tension on the mat. I was able to get a little out today.

[gonegrl]

I am at the IL's. We left at 4:30 am to get here. Last night before bed I asked H what time he set the alarm clock. He said "You don't want to know." I said "I know its early, but what time?" He kept saying "you don't want to know." So finally I said "Please just tell me, that isn't fair, I need to know." So he told me, we went to sleep, got up at 4, drove all morning and are here now at the IL's. I came downstairs to check online my daughter's lab results just came in this morning. Best results yet! Anyway, H came down and sat beside me, was sitting quietly and we could hear the IL's upstairs. I thought "wow, what a big step, he is choosing to sit quietly with me rather than be with the IL's."

So, after about 15 minutes, H says "Last night I didn't like how you spoke to me. You cut me down and I was just making a joke." I didn't even know what he was talking about! He mentioned the above conversation I just posted, about the wake up time. I am sitting here, in his parents house, people who have just spent the last 10 months talking nonstop about how much they hate me, after being cheated on, raged at, told I am hated, and HE is complaining that I didn't realize he was joking about a very minor thing last night? Will he EVER be just normal? Can I EVER be given a break, ever? I said I didn't intend it that way, I am sorry if I wasn't playful, I wasn't angry with him, I was tired and please don't read into it. And then he asked if I wanted him to stay down here with him or go upstairs? I said "Just BE. Do what you want. Relax. Enjoy Thanksgiving, nobody is attacking you, nobody is shooting down your jokes, there is no agenda, just BE." And he gave me a hug and went upstairs.

So I am sitting here thinking is this positive or negative? I really am starting to see how every single one of his complaints is 100% projection on his part.

Also we stopped at my grandmothers house on the way, she is 97 and has alzheimers. I brought her and my uncle Thanksgiving dinners (she is homebound) and before we left I had this overwhelming urge to just stay there with them. To be with people who actually love me and would be happy to have me. Maybe next year. This is so painful.

[beckyb]

Ugh. Hang in there.