In the UK - need help (pt15)

[Sotto]

Hi Huddy, just to clarify (in case it appears that way) I don't think for a moment you aren't putting your kids first. You're the one trying to keep the family together after all here.

It's more around my concern that your W doesn't seem to have her chit together on moving out and you haven't seen a L or clarified S arrangements.

My concern is your W may flee with the kids to her parents hundreds of miles away as she has previously suggested if she doesn't have a viable option locally and I think that's the last thing you want from what you posted.

How do you think this is going to play out if she can't afford to get herself set up??

[Huddy]

Hi Sotto

My W is off to see the local council tomorrow. They have placed her on the homeless list. They will, so my W informs me, place he in a hotel, temporary accommodation or a council property. Again, W tells me, they will store and move her stuff for her, so, bingo, she's a winner.

I have got myself a two bedroomed flat. I don't need two, one would have done, but, it is my fallback position, should everything go 't1ts up' for her; there will be somewhere for her to sleep and nobody under my watch will be going without.

She isn't going to flee. If you read some of my posts from the last week, she is currently rope pulling like it's going out of fashion. She's in 'pity me' mode and won't accept that everything that is going on is being driven by her. Just to remind everybody, it was my W's idea to sell the house in the first place and she couldn't care less if I was going to be made homeless or not.

Further on today, I have brought a van from work and am clearing rubbish from the house. Well, I say rubbish, it's stuff neither of us want. I asked her who was going to move the furniture etc. as I was going to offer to help. Instead, I got abuse and then entitlement disease when she said 'the Council will HAVE to give me a big storage unit and they will HAVE to move my stuff. W then tried to tell me when I would be getting the children. I have already started to look at L advice for this matter.

So, I hear what you say Sotto, but I just can't continue trying to help somebody who doesn't want to be helped. W will have to realise things herself. At the end of the day, there will be a roof for everybody, but I'm not going to get beaten every day for doing the best that I can.

[Huddy]

My W has been granted 'temporary accommodation' some four miles away from our current location. No surprise that they are going to charge her for storing her stuff (I received a call from her to tell me all this and complain that they'll be charging her for this). She seemed 'ok' when she called.

That's the thing that amazes me the most, the seemingly upbeat, lack of regret nature that she has assumed. I guess, when I get home, I will be treated to another round of 'everything's your fault' (this was a theme yesterday - it was my fault that I had found a flat and she hadn't; my fault she had so much to pay out when she's on her own etc. etc.), so, let's see.

[Painter]

I wonder what she said to get that. If she is voluntarily homeless, I doubt they would have given her a place - she must have claimed a form of abandonment.

I hope you have secured yourself legally so she can't make it look like this was all your doing (regardless of what was said and done in private).

[Huddy]

Hi Painter

Yes, I have thought about this myself. In the UK, there are strict regulations regarding homelessness and how you qualify. Based on my W's circumstances, she doesn't qualify. I challenged her as to how she'd managed it, asking her if she had said something derogatory about me. She replied 'You know me, I would never have said anything like that'. I've never heard so much bullsh1t.

Personally, I think she'll have made out that I have thrown her out or something like that. I have no way of getting hold of that information, right now. I don't know if I could go for a freedom of information request. I don't think that would be available to me as it would be protected under the 1984 Data Protection Act.

The Council has arranged to move her in to a new property next Thursday. Her stuff will be held in storage and she won't be able to get access to it as the Council keep the keys. At some stage, they will move her from this accommodation to Council/Housing Association on the proviso that if she rejects the property she is being offered, she will be thrown on to the street! What a way to live your life.

Anyway, I am off to France in December for three days, for work purposes. Last night, she sent SD to see me and find out when I was going, whereabouts in France I was going and for what purpose. So much for not wanting to know me anymore. It's all about control, but I'm moving forward.

[Huddy]

Sigh....I thought with our moving day being just over a week away, my W might just start to think about what she's done. I wouldn't take her back 'just like that', I'm beyond that stage, but just some contrition would show me that in her heart, she has at least thought about this terrible mess.

But, no, dear reader, my W has a fresh complaint. I, apparently, get up too early for work and, crime among crimes, turn the stair light on to see where I'm going! Really! You couldn't make this nonsense up. It's getting difficult to validate some of this stuff without chuckling to myself. I go to work, bring home the money, work long hours and when I come home get down to looking after the kids baths etc., before I get a couple of hours relaxation and that's a crime.

Sigh.....

[Pyrite]

hey Huddy,

I've just skimmed - apologies - lots to catch up on since I've been away.

I think you are selling yourself short mate. I keep reading about cooking and bathing for the kids. Your SD is old enough that they WILL listen to her. Your W being considered to be the main carer - how much of that is HER opinion. OK - so maybe she did spend more hours with them because you were working and unfortunately that is not really a concern from the perspective of the children and hence custody - BUT - as mentioned a while back by NDY (I think). All you have to show is that you have been a "significant" hands on carer. Having a solid plan is gold.

I suspect our courts are very similar andI reckon that you have enough that the Judge will immediately ask "How is it in the best interest of the kids to facilitate the Ws claim here?" Judges are hesitant to make ANY order unless they are convinced that it is the right one AND certainly not going to come back to bite them. Hence the first thing the Judge will likely do is stamp that a bunch of additional "tests" are done. Even if all that these tests show is that Huddy should be a part of their lives, then the issue of your W moving far away jeopardises this for real reasons. Your W may indeed claim that her support network is far away, to which the response is "crap - the kid's network is right here. She's claiming to have been primary carer and at the same time I need help. Hello idiot, here is the father, solid, already the carer, reasonably asserting his desire and availability". [censored] WAS's selfish delusion!

I'm ~10K into this custody crap, and there are some differences, but the bottom line - is NOBODY gives a flying [censored] about you or her. Its about the kids - and if their best interests are served by NOT upending the whole caboodle, then deal with it W.

Even better, for you (and me), before a decision is made, if the Judge doesn't, your L can request a family psych assessment. Given the last several months of the "Huddy Show", I can't imagine how she (or my W) is gonna nail this one.

Sorry - jaded advice by my own sitch. Just had a cracker of a fight with the STBX.

one las thing - with respect to W/STBX - after several months this is bound to be just a dull ache for you now, not the brutal sledgehammer in the guts anymore. Other things have bubbled back up to occupy your conscious mind. Well it is only going to get better. It doesn't mean that this [censored] any less, but life is far from over.

I woke up to myself a few days before court. I realised that hey - I had absolutely nothing to gain by standing up to my W wanting to move. Now I stand to lose custody. I cursed myself for putting that on the line. Personally I had nothing to win, possibly even lost by not relocating. I have A LOT to lose. But my kids don't deserve this.They dont know now, and they possibly never will that I have put it all on the line for them, because they dont even know what the proposal is. So - bringing it back to you as well - if we lose - if life is simply that unfair - what more can we do.

Be proud of yourself Huddy - you have gone beyond what almost anyone would do. You will shine my friend.

NDY - this goes for you too mate - I am just too lazy for two posts in one night ';)

-Py

[ATPeace]

And what if your W as Mine is ...is of the opinion that the kids will be fine they will adapt in the divorce

She feels that divorce is better for the kids

Then what

Thanks

Ghost and sorry to hijack

[Huddy]

Hi Py

Sad that you're still fighting and are now 10AUS K out of pocket. Your kids will know what you did to protect them, eventually. That doesn't stop you being a great father.

Hi Ghost

My W has stated that she doesn't think the kids will be affected by the separation and that my S will be 'better off' without me. Yep, that's the cruel truth about WW/WAW's, they don't care how much they hurt your feelings.

You're right Py, it doesn't feel like a gut punch every day, more of a mild tummy ache and b being apart, I can rebuild my own sanity and breathe a little bit easier. I need a break from the rollercoaster, so it's time to get off and play on the dodgems!

[NDY]

My W has stated that she doesn't think the kids will be affected by the separation and that my S will be 'better off' without me. Yep, that's the cruel truth about WW/WAW's, they don't care how much they hurt your feelings.

In just the same way they only listen to appeasers and ignore everyone else they also ignore the evidence to the contrary. There are reams and reams of data on how kids fair better with both parents but a WW will ignore that.