She wants me to Leave 3rd Time .....EA Confirmed!

[Dawgs]

Will have to agree with NDY.

At this point you DO NOT know for sure if there is an A to worry about. I agree the evidence doesn't look good but make sure your case is water tight first and foremost.

There is an A. Maybe just an EA, but there is definitely an A going on.

Use the recorder and listen to what's going on. If it is an A you will find out soon enough. You need to be prepared for that one friend. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more devastating than hearing and admission from their own lips.

Be VERY, VERY CAREFUL on the recorder. And I mean careful. What do the laws say concerning this? In my area, a recording may be made (and admissible) ONLY IF the one doing the recording is also being recorded - in other words, you can't make the recording unless you are also being recorded, too. Some cases it isn't admissible, and in other it can land you in legal hot water. Be careful!

But showing up where you are unexpected is an awesome idea. If you do happen to catch something going on that shouldn't be, keep your emotions in check!

Keep your chin up!

[isittoolate]

Thanks all for the advice.

I've calmed down a bit. The lack of sleep last night screwed me up.

W reached out to me by phone today. A longish ( not strictly necessary) convo about S11 walk to the train station in the mornings in the dark and her concerns for his safety.

NB I have no concerns but I validated hers. We later had an email exchange with a bit of humour thrown in.

If it wasn't for the confirmed EA yesterday, the last 2 days convos would be considered positive by me. Also the shoulder massage/foot rub on Sunday. She also tagged me in a FB post - first time for weeks.

Immediate plan is to do nothing - wait for the recorder, check its capabilities and put it in her car on Saturday. I need to remove it Monday or Tuesday as I go to Sweden on Wednesday for a few days then back on Friday night.

[isittoolate]

From Wonka I think

Thank you for articulating the main point for LBHs whose WAW is in an A: stop being such a wet noodle and grab the bull by the horns from the get-go. It starts with dropping the rabid FEAR in you. Your WAW is a paper tigeress. 

In summary, the action list should be something like this upon arriving at the DB forum in short order:

1-Keep DB to yourself and hide the DR book. You don't give away the playbook to the opponent. ERASE all browsing history on your computer.
2-LOSE YOUR FEAR of WAW. Reclaim your balls back from her purse.
3-Pull out the "not willing to live in an open M/no-OM boundary" script. 
4-Stop sharing the same MBR with your WAW. You are not willing to share her with another man. Tell WAW that "you have decided that you prefer she sleep in another room."
5-Sex? Forget it. It all stops right now. Same as above.
6-DO NOT have convos with WAW about the OM. You are not her gay boyfriend. You are her H. Do not acknowledge or speak about the OM at all.
7- Move all of your FINANCIAL assets into a new banking account with just your name on it (no more joint $$ with WAW) and cancel joint credit cards. Be sure to inform bank officers that your WAW is not to get a loan or open a card with your name ...they must call you first to alert of this.
8-Cut off all joint cell phone plans (you are not financing W's affair by paying for her smartphone to continue conducting her A on the family's money)
9-Only pay expenses related to children (if you have any) and other praticalities
10-Consult with a Lawyer to know your rights. Go in for an informational meeting with 3 to 4 attorneys. Keep it to yourself. Knowledge is power. 
11-Cancel all MC sessions. It is ineffective as long as your WAW is in an A and just going there for appearance's sake to claim that "they tried." Pshaw!
12-Don't drive or pick her up from the airport. She can figure this out herself. 
12-Make your own GAL plans. Don't drop them if WAW cries to you that she needs you to "babysit" the kids or threatens you.
13-Stop going into an overdrive cleaning the house or doing the laundry. Makes you look like the gay housekeeper from La Cage aux Folles movie


The above is advocated as necessary with a WW asap.

But everyone is telling me to slow down and wait a bit and see if she is having a PA and get all the evidence etc.

I don't need more evidence - she is having an EA and its unacceptable. It's at least an inappropriate friendship and at worst a EA/PA

Here is a transcript:

OM: I have a new Facebook friend!!!! Xx
W: I take you mean (my name)?
OM: soooooo funny
OM: you make me ever so happy (W name)
OM: you are a very funny and beautiful lady and I love you loads!
W: Coolio! That's very cheering! Anyway it's good that (my name) is your friend. How could he resist the (OM name) charm?!
OM: I have a long term plan. My new found friendship with (my name) takes the pressure off (W name). (My name) will love all the bigging up of him I do.
W: he needs a bit of confidence building!

As you can see OM is mocking me and W is complicit.
OM is leading the conversation. W is a lot cooler but her jibe about me needing a confidence boost shows her lack of respect for me.

NB this happened after I let them continue to be 'friends' if W was open about there phonecalls etc. and after I had let OM visit our house to fix a tap, so I could meet him.

See how this is so humiliating for me!


I feel a letter like the one below is necessary.

Dear WW

I want to be clear on some things. One is that I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way should you choose to continue on this path. Two, I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party. 

We will not be friends should you decide to proceed with a D.

Your choice is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our sons, OM partner and daughter

We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other. 

Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges. 

We have some decisions to make here. When you’re ready, please let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,

[NDY]

IS

You just went to 100mph in 6 seconds. You're vulnerable right now and could possibly be reading way too much into that conversation. Pick your fights carefully.

Don't send any letters/emails. Get hard evidence first.

I'm a big fan on Wonka and I hope she drops in here. But that post of hers is related to a 'Confirmed' A. You on the other hand don't have a confirmed A just yet.

Deep breaths. Calm down.

[isittoolate]

I want to give her a kick in the ass. Choice = consequences.

What does it matter if there is a PA? The EA is just as bad and just as disrespectful to me, our kids, OM kid and his partner of 13 years.

Every time I have stood up to her regarding being friends, going to movies, her disrespectful tone/attitude, not sitting with her in the evening, I have got a response including annoyance and anger.....and then I have backed down like a WET NOODLE. saying sorry and doing stuff to placate her.

Last Sunday S11 came home from a weekend scout trip and he was v tired and grumpy. He was in W's words 'vile' and she had a hard time to get him to go to bed early. During this she was texting OM 'Missing You '. .....Not coming to me but reaching out to him.

One hour later she accepts a shoulder rub and massage from me whilst reading his reply. His was a goofball reply nothing serious, just a stupid cartoon. But it was while I was rubbing her feet FFS!!!

Cake eating!!! and throwing me a crumb. Being the Princess ...Im sick of it

[dday]

IS, I am sorry to hear about this. But, please take a bit of time and get yourself less emotional. I received papers this weekend because I asked W to share a meal as a family for S7 birthday. I thought I was ready for this to be done one way or the other, but it is still rough.

My point is, unless you are ready to throw in the towel, tread lightly. If W is infatuated or whatever, she may not like what you have to say and it could escalate. You can set boundaries and not be harsh about it. Protect yourself and your boys.

I mean no disrespect. And I have done many things wrong in my sitch. Just trying to offer a little support.

Good luck!

[Huddy]

OK, yeah, you're sick of it, but how is going in all guns blazing going to help? Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey. As NDY says, you've got no real evidence. So, she's slagged you off to OM. If everybody on the planet knew what we said about each other sometimes, we'd all die of shock.

So, what have you got? OK, OM seems to want more than friends but by looking at the exchanges, your W hasn't indicated that she's jumping in and out of the sheets with him - yet.

How does this change your reaction? If she's going to have a PA with OM, then it's gonna happen. You can't stop it. So, this is where you start to look after yourself. GAL, look after your kids, be THE man. She's throwing you crumbs to keep you off the scent. Yes, she is being disrespectful to you (in fact, the ultimate is him being in your house - what a slap that is) and I know how you feel you're being trampled on, but you need firm evidence of this.

Personally (NDY feel free to correct me on this), I wouldn't confront your W, I'd take the evidence to his W, but only when it's FIRM. That should mess it up nicely. But be warned, I have read on here that confrontation doesn't bring an end to things, it can simply drive it underground.

[NDY]

I still think you need to calm down a bit first. You're angry. I get that and understand it but it's not going to help. Giving her a kick in the @ss can back fire as Huddy said. If you have REAL evidence then fine, get your plan together as GB advised.

You said

During this she was texting OM 'Missing You '.

If this is true and you can prove it then OK, you have a lot of thinking to do. It sure sounds like an EA if this event actually took place.

Here's the thing. The vets here when I was still trying to same my M gave me the best piece of advice ever. Be like Clint Eastwood. Cool calm and collected. Not angry, cool.

Gather your evidence first and foremost.

Good Luck

[roist]

. I understand your feelings and I can't say you are wrong to feel that way. You are surely right about what you think. Trust your gut. But never act on feelings alone.

You need to step back and decide what you want. It is so normal to want to barge in and say enough is enough. But you need to really know what you want and act accordingly. If you really want out, go in hell for leather and worry about the fallout later.

But if you want to keep your family together think before you act. There is lots of advice on internet about how to confront EA. How you approach it can affect the outcome.

[isittoolate]

OK Thanks all, I sometimes just need to vent on here a bit and ask opinion. I've just finished reading the 500 post WW thread and a chunk of that says I should act asap to stamp on the EA.
I'll hold my fire for now, but it will eat me up when I return home on Friday if I am sitting next to her and she is texting OM.

I doubt there is a PA , but then I doubted an EA.

Most of their convo I captured on screenshots was goofball convo about meaningless crap except for the bit below when OM says how clever he has been by getting me to be his FB friend and ' I love you loads' to W and a week later when she says 'Missing you (OM Name) (with a crying emoji).

Its the thought that every day they contact each other that eats me up.

I will obtain his home address from the electoral roll. Knowledge is power