And I Do Believe It Could Be; Something Good Has Begun

[AJM]

But, in most ways I feel I am just waiting for him to do something (vs. hiding in his dorm room). This latter part feels very reactionary.

I can see in your writing that you are "less" reactionary than before. That's really what I'm calling out. There's a mix to be sure, but it's changing and that's a good thing.

In fact, change is something you can count on. You may not know what it will be, but you can rest assured that change will occur. And is. That means YOU aren't stuck. You aren't trapped. You aren't faced with having no choices. Kind of empowering if you think about it.

Forgiveness. That's a struggle for me for a lot of years. Each is mean in their own way. It's personal and they know exactly what to go after that will have maximum impact. In my case, she went after the one area most important to me - my family. My kids, my father, my sister, etc. Why? I dunno. Other areas of our lives together? She totally left those alone. It was like, she wanted to hurt as much as possible just short of shooting me or otherwise harming me. Going after me directly would have caused little impact, and she knew that. She also knew that having an affair was (what she thought) was the quickest way to hurt me. When that didn't work, she went after the other items. Slowly, methodically, with malicious intent. I know how that goes.

I have no illusions of the hurt he has caused you, HW. I've lived similar in some ways. In others, it's a personal hurt that not everyone would understand.

I do honestly think that forgiveness is your way out though. Even the pope would tell you to forgive.

The hard part there is understanding what forgiveness means.

In its truest sense, forgiveness means to not expect payment for the transgression. No remuneration. You absorb the cost with no expectations. That's not the same as allowing it to continue or acting like it didn't happen and sweeping it under the rug.

That's a very tough row to hoe, m'dear. But I can tell you I see the value in forgiveness. Not just for you or your family or friends. For everyone concerned. But I will say the benefit to YOU is by far the greatest.

First things first. You still have some things to process and work through. Best to focus on those for now.

And yes, he is on the mean end. For some reason, for some it is not enough that they walk away and pursue their new selves. They feel the need to destroy what remains of their old lives and anyone near them.

Meh. People.

Welcome to the club

AJ

[HaWho]

Hi AJ - thanks for taking the time to help me through this bump. I agree, that MLCers hit hard at our most vulnerable points. My H definitely does this.

I know I need to forgive. I do understand it is the right thing to do and that it will benefit me, too. I am not looking for him to apologize for the things he said nor am I expecting him to try to "make up for it." Really, forgiveness will mean I can truly let it go. I am not ready yet. I still have a lot of anger (and sometimes shock) over it. But, I do see the humor in some of it. Parts of it are truly ridiculous where other parts are very, very ugly. I try to remind myself that messages reveal much about the messenger.

This morning H came into the kitchen and I said good morning. He said good morning. Them he asked S10 if he wanted to see a movie. S10 said yes. Then H asked S12 if he wanted to see the movie. S12 also said yes. Then H13 walked out the door. All with me in the room! Really mature! Lol!

He comes back from his walk. I am folding laundry and from the other room H asks if he should buy 4 tickets or 3. I answer that I would like to come but if it is boys only (And they truly ARE ALL boys) then I can certainly occupy myself today. He says it is not boys only.

Looks like the squirrel is coming out of the tree today...

[mleigh4]

I am glad he ended up inviting you. As always, you handled it well. Hopefully your sons know that the antics your H pulls is not the way to treat a woman, or any other person in the house for that matter. Sorry, it just bugs me that he ignores you in front of them like that. This is a scary part of MLC, our children see a really shabby way of treating someone you love. That was a huge issue with me when H lived at home, however leaving your family is no better! Lol

Continue to be the healthy example for your boys. I am sure you do. I hope you had a fun movie day!

[HaWho]

Oh Mleigh yes, all the kids of MLCers have been dealt a very unkind hand; one way or another.

I ended up having a nice day. S10 had a game, we all drove in the same car (woo hoo), we grabbed lunch and went to a movie. H was polite. He offered to buy me a ticket at the game. He actually said "two tickets please" vs. acting like I was this random person for whom he was buying a ticket. He offered to buy me a water when he was buying himself one. It was civil and I am thankful for that!!

After lunch he needed to grab something at a convenience store and I needed something from the grocery store. I suggested dividing and conquering and he said no, let's all go together to each spot. Maybe this is a holiday peek out?!?

There was not too much conversation but I didn't feel tension. We had a few joking moments but otherwise it was pretty quiet. He did make eye contact with me on several occasions and that was noteworthy.

What I need to work on, is, if he continues to come closer, I need to not distance. I am still so angry about that letter and I need to get my frustrations out in other ways as I know I cannot talk to him about it. That'll just start this whole cycle again.

I just want a return to civility. This is such a time and energy sink...

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho, I'm glad you had a reasonable day with your H. As you say, it could be a peek out for the holidays - but best to remain on your own course. Pleasant, no pressure, doing your own thing etc. I'm in the UK, and we don't have Thanksgiving here - but funnily enough, the social group I'm in is hosting a big Thanksgiving dinner for 40 people and I'm helping organise/attend. My first ever Thanksgiving event! Another thing I might never have done, had H & I still been together.

Now, as for this letter. There may come a time when you can discuss the letter with your H, share your pain about it with him. However, for now you may want to think about how you can process your own feelings about it. Please bear in mind that your H wrote this letter from a place of great pain and that there was probably a lot of projection in there too. In many ways, the letter is more about him than you I think. However, in MLC we are the closest ones around and so what they are doing for themselves feels like it is done to us. Can I ask if the letter is still in existance? I can't recall if it was a paper or electronic letter. If it is paper, might it benefit you to have a ceremonial burning and let the ashes float off into the sky? Or if electronic, print it out and do the same? I'm not suggesting this will resolve things, but perhaps may help your own journey of forgiveness and healing.

Have a great Sunday xx

[tfish08]

It is very frustrating to be surrounded by all boys especially of the tween age group. I think my husband is stuck at 11...It is hard to see the hissy fit. Stay Strong. You sound like you are doing a great job

[job]

I'm glad you had a nice day yesterday. It's difficult to know whether the mlcer will be nice, moody or just plain childish at times. Continue to detach. Detaching is far different than distancing. I agree...if he's coming closer, you do not need to play the distance/pursuer dance w/him. You do not want to start that crazy cycle up w/him again.

Detaching, i.e., not reacting to his behavior has worked and if you continue to do so, he will know it's not a game.

Keep up the good work!

[HaWho]

Thanks Sotto, Tfish and Job!

Sotto- your plans sound AMAZING! That is the way the holiday is meant to be: a large group gathering to give thanks!

Tfish- nice to meet you (though I wish it was under better circumstances!!). I will read up on your thread and post to you.

Job- you nailed it. COMPLETELY different age emerged from the dorm room today. He has been in solitary confinement all but 1 hour today. Maybe I should check under the floor boards of the dorm room to see if he has other "skin suits" he hides under there.

We were on our way to S12's game but had to pick up S10 at a friend's first. As we are approaching the street we need to turn onto, H says to S12: what street is it? And I am sitting right there. Looks like I am being ignored today. What is S12 to make of these shenanigans? H is 11 but with a driver's license.

Then as we come to the game, he pulls up in front and asks us both to get out of the car so he can park. Usually I walk in with him. During the game he is off by himself listening to music.

I am tempted to make name tag stickers and he can just make it easier on me by ifentifying who he is: H11, H13, H17 or H6. I have seen all of these so far.

Thing is: I am prepared for this now. I don't spin and I don't give it air time anymore. I know not to distance and not to react. I am practicing these skills today. I pretend he is S12's twin and then it is easier to detach from the antics.

[HaWho]

Here is something new! Non the ride home H cracked a joke to me. I think he cracked one joke over the summer and before then, I can't even remember. H had a GREAT sense of humor.

On the way to son's game he almost turned off on the wrong exit (which he has done ALL the time in MLC). I jab my finger to the left telling him wrong way. He maneuvers off the exit ramp.

On the way home I remind him we need to pick up S10. He veers into the wrong lane, ready to exit off the wrong exit. I remind him again. Minutes later as he exits off the correct exit, he jokes that I have only a few more minutes to remind him that we need to pick up S10. I laugh and say that next time I won't remind him and we will be at the Mexican border before we know it. He laughs and says he knows where he is going.

I laugh and ask why he was getting off the wrong exit until I pointed him off the ramp. He jokes and says he didn't see me do that; he just figured it out himself. S12 calls him out and says he is lying and that I am alwaya helping H figure out where he is going. H chuckles and says he does not need help. As he turns into the correct street, where S10's friend lives, I point him the other way! He stops and starts to turn around. S12 is silent and so am I. We wait for him to turn around. Without words we are in kahoots. When he turns around we die laughing telling him it was the right street. H insists he knew that! I say: no, if you knew it you would not have turned around. S12 agrees. S12 says: we were just here one hour ago! I say in a joking way: H has vision AND memory problems! S12 and I are hysterical and H is smirking.

[HaWho]

The good news: for the first time H texted me about non kid related stuff. (Keep in mind that after the "letter related boundary" he swore he would never talk with me again unless it was absolutely critical.) The bad news: he texted me to ask what the spice was in the soup that I made. Then he discussed the complexity of the soup. It was a conversation out of Bon Appétit. Lol!

So, yesterday out of the clear blue, as I was working, I had this feeling overtake me. I imagined myself back on the east coast alone with my kids all grown up. And I could see myself very happy.

I can see that either way I have an uphill battle. I get it that there is no putting this all back the way it was. Either we will be administering CPR to this M or I will be divorced and moving along. I have never done either and I am sure they are both excruciating in their own ways. Point is: whichever way it goes it's going to hurt. It is impossible to tell if both options are on the table, which one will offer me more long term happiness.

Sotto- I forgot to answer you in regards to the letter. I do still have it. Oddly, today, I was struck by how truly sick H has to be to have written all that to another human being. And to think that I called him out on it and then he still voiced no remorse. I had this moment where instead of anger I just felt sorry for him. Sotto- you are right. There must be incredible hurt in there to make saying that okay. My IC said the same. So far, I have only been able to feel my own pain over all that he said. This was the first time that I just felt sad for him and what has become of him.

Maybe this is the start to forgiving him? Maybe it is the start of acceptance. The issue is, that the gist of the letter is true. I am aging. Of course so is he! No one is carding him anymore, trust me. But I cannot stab him back by pointing it out to him. It might feel good for a few minutes but later I always feel really bad if I fight dirty. Maybe these would have been much deserved truth darts though?

His inability to accept that time will exact a toll on me makes it hard to imagine a future with him. Obviously, I can't flip the hourglass here. Even if I can forgive all the horrendous things he wrote, how am I supposed to ever feel truly comfortable with him again? The guy told me he can get younger women. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling less than because he views me as being on the downward slope of the hill. Won't I always be thinking that he wishes he could be with a 20 year old?

I can disregard the whole "I don't love you anymore" spiel because I know that is not true! But this is different. It is the first time I am showing visible signs of aging and he's longing for an exit strategy. It is so spineless. Maybe he lacks grit. I can't live my life being afraid of aging or feeling shame for what is normal. And I don't want to be with some pansy of a guy who is sqeamish over aging.