GB - I know the OM vaguely over the last 6 years as his D went to the same school as my S11.
Since W told me about him being a 'good friend' about 4 weeks ago I have met him twice and he asked via FB to be my 'friend'.
If I confront her she will say I am paranoid, 'he is just a good friend' 'ok I flirt with him a bit so what?? I flirt with lots of men' etc
Deflect and deny.
I am reading Sandi2s thread but initially it concerns the sitch where the A is out in the open and W cant deny.
How do I confront her without showing I hacked her FB messenger?
If you are patient the results of your investigation will usually lead you to documentable proof and the others you can kind of fudge.
For example, if you listen to a conversation she has with OM or her friend/sister in her car this weekend but you don't bring it up for another week after that, she won't necessarily remember where exactly she had that specific conversation. You could just say you put a cup up against the wall and listened through the wall while she was talking to someone in the bathroom. When you are in the middle of confronting, they are more concerned with what you actually know and whether they can deny it versus how and when you actually got the information. Another good excuse is to indicate you hired a private investigator and they got the information. You could even send yourself some emails from a fake email address typing out the exact conversation that you recorded. Their first instinct is that you or a PI hacked their phone. Usually a recorder isn't the first suspect and if you are judicious with what you share and smart about it they won't suspect a recording device at all.
Subterfuge - the recordings might indicate that they spent time together at XYZ restaurant or bar. Your wife's Spa Trip (I wonder if her sister really went) or the time she went shopping with the girls. Once you discover it was a lie you can then backtrack and send yourself an email from a anonymous friend that sent you an email indicating the he/she saw you and OM there and thought you should be aware. You said his kid goes to the same school - send a real fake letter to yourself in the mail, stamped and everything from an anonymous mother at the school that was herself a betrayed wife and saw your wife and OM acting inappropriately at school and she thought you should know that this person apologetically wanted you to know your wife was obviously (to her) cheating with this guy. The bonus of the anonymous tip off is that then the two of them don't know who at school is watching them and reporting back to you. Further...if one person knows...surely more do. It makes them paranoid and less concerned about how you really are getting your intel.
Again....she KNOWS she is cheating so the only thing you really have to sell is that she can't lie to you anymore because she's completely busted and you know everything.
Unfortunately, THEN is when you are more likely than not going to have a situation where she refuses to end it with the OM. She loves him and thinks he's her soulmate right now. OM is the one most likely to end it (especially after you tell his girlfriend baby mama). Then you'll be in the situations Sandi's threads talk about (though I don't like those threads at all - Sandi and I don't really see eye to eye - which is OK). You'll have a decision to make too - do you stick it out and continue to fight for your marriage/family, do you decide you've been abused enough and file for divorce yourself on the grounds of adultery (she might come begging back anyway) OR do you ask her to separate/leave, go dark and maybe try the last resort technique (GAL - detach 100% and begin your personally recovery with a firm boundary that you MAY be willing to recover with her if and only if she ends her affair FIRST and then commits to a marital recovery plan).
Also - IF you recover - you are going to need to move. Recovery requires NO CONTACT WITH OM FOR LIFE. Your son can't stay classmates with OM's son. Switching schools may be enough but moving would be best. Maybe move back to London where you and your wife first built the foundation the love in your relationship. As a bonus, you'll be close enough to work to be home every night and no more 2 hour commute.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
She has been his friend for 6 months. At least that Is what she told me a few weeks ago.
NB he is a low skilled manual labourer - not physically attractive - obese with bipolar - and recently joined fat club.
She is a highly skilled medical professional - beautiful and slim
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Another day beckons: not much sleep last night, maybe 2 hours.
A mixture of anger, hurt, betrayal, and resentment at this shitstorm.
I doubt W will contact me today. I think her call to me last night reassured her that the hack wasn't me.
There is no way I can hack it again so I've bought the recorder. I think it will confirm there is no PA , but a definite EA , with flirting, etc. He is really into W and his words would be very damaging if it got back to his partner. It's no surprise that W and OM's partner are not FB friends.
The evidence I have is not wholly damning but strong enough to confront and even threaten to show to OM's partner and others like w's mum and sister.
I will not do that yet, but hold it in reserve.
If I confront her it will be along the lines of:
'Are you comfortable showing me all your texts and FB messages with OM?'
If she isn't comfortable she is damning herself.
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/24/1506:40 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Today until Friday I will just do NC until my bedtime phone call to the kids. If W try's to engage in convo I will be civil but end it on my terms.
I would be grateful for advice here. Mr Bond, Sandi
I've reread 250 posts from Sandi2s WW thread but want to plan. I understand the need for W to feel loss and for her to stop the disrespect, resentment and rebelliousness etc. My actions will speak louder than words. I need to do things for me without thought for W.
I want to only do stuff that moves the MR forward and not backwards. There is a confrontation coming, and a fine line to walk. All WW's EA/PA start with a confrontation. How far do I take it,? Boundaries with ultimatum.?
I've decided I will not be going to the movies with her, will not be buying her more than one birthday present or Xmas present, will not be inviting her to join the boys and I on a trip to London and definitely will not be moving out of the house
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/24/1507:22 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
You may want to have a look at JStrong's thread. He just had a showdown with his W and posters feel he handled it well. You can see in his post the impact on his W and her realisation - I may have gone too far here..
I think there are parallels with your current sitch...
Take care my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I've said it before and I'll say it again, why the hang up about the perceived lack of attractiveness of this man, on your viewpoint? He could look like the elephant man but your W sees something in him. Does this change what you should be doing - no.
Detach, don't believe anything she says and work on yourself. Worrying about the OM isn't going to help right now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy I've decided to confront her, probably Saturday.
I will set a boundary, including proceeding to D if necessary.
She isn't going to snap out of it. She has been cake eating all along. Me for domestic needs and OM for emotional needs. It going to stop now or its D.
I don't need evidence. I don't need to confirm a PA, I don't need to wait. StrongJ has a very similar thread and I will post on his.
I will just say....the EA needs to stop. I won't be in an OM etc.
If she denies its an EA?
Why does she ring him everyday? Or vice versa Why does she text him every night or vice versa
Would she be happy for me to read all their texts etc. Would she be happy for OMs partner to read all their text etc.
I have lost my MR, I have nothing to lose
Last edited by isittoolate; 11/24/1508:58 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Whoa! Who says you need to go so drastic? Yeah, you're angry, but going caveman on her isn't going to help. Do you want to stay married? If the answer is no, then go right ahead with your plan.
Stop and think about what you're wanting to achieve. Vent on here and listen to everyone's advice. At the end of the day, the ingredients of resolving this are on here but it's going to take a lot of time. A D isn't a miraculous tool to make anyone feel better.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy I've decided to confront her, probably Saturday.
Wow. Slow down there buddy. Remember what GB advised? Don't confront UNTIL you have a plan. This doesn't read like a plan. At this point you DO NOT know for sure if there is an A to worry about. I agree the evidence doesn't look good but make sure your case is water tight first and foremost.
Read over what GB has said. Do some unexpected things like turn up unannounced, see how she reacts. Use the recorder and listen to what's going on. If it is an A you will find out soon enough. You need to be prepared for that one friend. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more devastating than hearing and admission from their own lips.
On the other hand there also could be no A at all. Hopefully that's the case as this will shift where you put your energy and how you act around her.
Either way once you know (A or not) the snooping has to stop.
Peace friend.
Last edited by NDY; 11/24/1509:42 AM.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
