Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[trumpet]

Sandi,

Just to clarify - the OM is in Chicago, so she's hours away. They met up once in Chicago. My wife let me know that my contact of OM, leaving a message, and talking with his STBXW made a change in their D, which I was glad to see, as OM seems like a scumbag. I realized she had an addiction like me when she was defending him, getting mad at me for doing the right thing and exposing the EA.

My W does have a manager's training in Chicago in a couple weeks, and is staying overnight. My 'WARNING WILL ROBINSON WARNING' light and siren are going off right now, but I have no control - they could meet up, shag, and I'll be none the wiser. I will bring this up to our pastor, since having it out in the open might give her second thoughts. Her first encounter was a makeout session, and nothing more (yeah, I might believe this, but like you say, only believe half the truths she says).

I'm up to 26 minutes running on the treadmill - mind you, a couple 1 min. walks in-between, but I feel much better. Getting up to 80 sit-ups, and I think I'll be able to fit in some old pants soon. I continue to wear cologne, nice shirts when I'm home (no t-shirts, only when I work out).

I pulled my whole life policy and replaced it with term. Bought more term than I had whole life, and cashed out the whole life. She argued with me that it's half hers, but I told her the check will be made out to me, since it's my policy. Since her complaint, she's relented and just said 'not to blow it all'. I reminded her I'm the thrifty one in the family, and that it would be going into savings. I haven't changed the beneficiaries to the kids yet, as I'd have to have her sign a waiver, and I think that would put us back a few steps in MR.

Thanks, too, for the advice on the NC letter. It will be my main point in the session on Sunday. She's not ready to talk about what happened - she's still firmly in the fog.

Thanksgiving will be split - I'll pick up the kids halfway through the day at her parents and take them to my parents. I'll have plenty to be thankful for - just not the marriage yet.

[sandi2]

Personally, I think a phone call is better. Of course on speaker phone with you standing right there.

Curious as to why you this is better than a letter?

Quote:
At this first meeting, I need to set a boundary on NC with OM

I don't know that this boundary can come from you. She knows this would be unacceptable to you

.

What!?

[trumpet]

A bit of a journal here...

I've noticed that sometimes when I get home from work I'm really dreading coming home. Today was one of those days.

Wife was in ok mood, and shoveled the driveway and front sidewalk. I brought home take and bake pizzas, and started making them. Fixing minecraft on my daughter's computer right now, but wife is just self absorbed in her cell phone on the couch.
So, she's not bothering me or being confrontational, but I'm just non-plussed I'm here. I'd rather be in the house without her.

This is starting to happen more, where I'd feel better if she just wasn't here. I'm also starting to get irrationally worried about tomorrow's meeting with the counselor. As my personal counselor says - acknowledge the feelings, and if they make you comfortable or uncomfortable. Right now, I'm uncomfortable, but not exactly sure why.

Maybe it's just me detaching? I do know that my emotional needs have not been met in the marriage for years, and now that I know that, I'm starting to see the marriage as something that needs tremendous work. I just don't think the wife wants to do the work, and I have moments that I now think I don't, either.

I can't live in an open marriage, and I can't have a wife who won't be invested in me as well.

[gs9]

Sandi
My thoughts with a letter is that it may not come across as direct or firm as a call. Sure you can write firm statements such as "DO NOT CONTACT ME" but on the phone the OM can hear the voice tone. They can hear the regret and guilt over the A in her voice. They can hear the firmness and unwavering decision to choose the H. There is also the "I never received it" or "it got lost in the mail" excuses.

As far as the boundary....will she respect it. Sure the H needs to have this boundary and maintain this boundary but will she respect the boundary when stated. Wouldn't the boundary carry more weight if reinforced by the Pastor?

[trumpet]

Time to journal...

Meeting with pastor went well. An hour and a half later, though, and the W admitted that yes, she had an EA that became physical briefly, but nothing sexual. She is still contacting OM, which I suspected. Counselor was not happy about that, as he wanted to meet with the understanding that we both had issues we were ready to move past. I am committed to having a hour a week with pastor/counselor, and a half hour a day working on marriage. Wife is not.

Supposedly, she WAS in favor of MC, until I did have a breakdown last week. After meeting with pastor the first time by herself, she came back from the meeting not sorry, but seemingly emboldened to continue in the EA. Still in the same bedroom, I let my emotions get the best of me, and did tell her that she's a cheater, among other things. It was the first time I truly showed her the anger that was inside of me because of the EA, and the PA she had 3 years ago. It was a low point for me in the last month.

We conversed for a half hour w/o kids last night, and then got ready for bed. She came down the stairs crying for the first time in a month. She mentioned she needs to talk to someone about all of this, and that she is just very confused. All her 'friends' including her mom have told her she'd be better off without me, and have made her EA something that should be acceptable and OK in today's society. I disagree, and told her so. It's wrong, it puts us in an open relationship, and I will not be in an open relationship. We have other friends who value marriage like we used to, so I'm hoping she goes to talk to one of those friends in the next couple days. She's starting to understand she's getting bad advice from those she's talk to about us in the past.

I asked her if she was in my shoes, would she put up with an EA/PA from me? She let that sink in, and agreed she wouldn't accept it.

My DR book is in the mail.

She's still upset that I didn't sleep in the same bed as her for 5 days. I explained to her that's like complaining the knick-knacks aren't dusted while the house burns to the ground. To her, it's disrespectful. I agreed that it could look like that, but I was uncomfortable being in the same bed for her over the last few days, and my being with her in the same room, knowing the EA was still going on was uncomfortable for me.

I agreed to sleep in the same bedroom now. It feels like I keep giving, and she hasn't moved from the EA. Tough love might mean moving out, and I told her it's a possibility.

I also mentioned the NC letter, but pastor and wife thought that I should also write a letter, but since I don't have anyone to send it to, that I would be expecting too much of my wife. That was upsetting. Still think it needs to happen for OM to stop contact... but maybe the wife will need to come to that realization and want to save the M, so in due time?

Any advice from DB land? Thank you to all that have replied already.

[sandi2]

As far as the boundary....will she respect it. Sure the H needs to have this boundary and maintain this boundary but will she respect the boundary when stated. Wouldn't the boundary carry more weight if reinforced by the Pastor?

How in the world could a Pastor enforce a boundary for the H? Every person has to enforce their own boundaries.

My opinion about talking to OM over the phone instead of sending a letter is that the letter prevents the addictive trigger. Plus, he can't interrupt her, get her distracted in what to say, argue, or convince that things will work. If she hears his voice, she will not have the emotional fortitude to convince him the A is over. She's addicted, and she naturally craves OM. The WW's I have read about do not want to really end the A. They do it b/c the H will not tolerate it, and they have to choose between their M and their OM.

[gonegrl]

Sandi, when my H ended his EA he did it by phone and I was upset because I wanted it to be via email with me cc'd or at least forwarded. I was upset because H at the time was not even speaking to me, and she got a phone call. But now that it is over, I am glad that she does not have a letter or email from him. She cannot hold it, re-read it, share it with her friends and wonder if she can read between the lines, and especially a written letter, she cannot hold it knowing that his hands were holding it too. Does that make me crazy? At the time I thought a phone call was more personal, but its done, once he hung up she had nothing to hold on to.

Well, except for all the romantic loving texts and emails up until that point. What do I know. At the very least I know there is no "letter" out there in her hands that says "My insanely jealous wife is making me break up with you, and you know that isn't what I want, but I have to do it because of my kids, maybe some day.....etc etc." Does that make any sense?

[sandi2]

At the very least I know there is no "letter" out there in her hands that says "My insanely jealous wife is making me break up with you, and you know that isn't what I want, but I have to do it because of my kids, maybe some day.....etc etc." Does that make any sense?

Maybe I am not being clear in my point. The WS doesn't get to say things such as, "My insanely jealous wife is making me break up with you". The letter is suppose to be the beginning of the transparency plan, with the LBS instructing and preapproving it before it is sent. Who cares that the AP is thinking the hands of the WS has touched it, or that they'll keep the letter forever? It is not about what the AP does, feels, or thinks. It is about what the WS says in the NC letter.

The entire purpose to begin the process of withdrawal, by ending the A cold turkey (which means no further conversations. If the WS carries on a verbal conversation, there's a good chance there'll be another one to follow. Reading between the lines is not as harmful, IMO, as hearing doubt in the weak voice of the WS as they speak to their AP.

If a phone call is made anyway, the LBS needs to tell the WS what to say to the AP, and to stand next to him/her as they speak to the AP. It is to be witnessed, and the WS will not include everything if the LBS is not there to ensure it.

I'm glad you feel better with your H calling.

[trumpet]

Update time.

Counselor/pastor had us take a marriage assessment. We did an activity with him on Sunday night, and we were to comment on how our spouse reacted during the activity, and give ratings. According to our aggregate score, the marriage is very likely salvageable. It wasn't a Christian assessment, more based on current trends in marriage counseling circles. So... the wife says 'she hates to admit' that it is encouraging, but is still confused and, from what I can tell, unwilling to drop the EA with the OM via phone.

She's got training in Chicago in two weeks, where her likelihood to meet up with him is very high. She's staying overnight, and he knows where she's staying.

Ugh. Living in limbo is hard. But, I guess living on my own would be hard, too. How long is too long to wait for her to 'figure it out'? Do I let her blow it by meeting up with OM, and then drop the hammer?

[gs9]

Trumpet,
I'm sorry you're have found yourself in this sitch but happy you found this forum. Sandi and the other vets are great resources so post often and pay close attention to their advice.

The fact that your wife is going to counseling is very encouraging but don't forget you can't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.

How long is too long to wait for her to 'figure it out'?

If I understand things correctly we can't put time frames on our WW's. Our timeframes are much different than theirs and we have to patient and consistent.

Do I let her blow it by meeting up with OM, and then drop the hammer?

This is going to be hard. Is there anyway she can cancel the trip or you can go with her? Ultimately she's going to need to regain your trust and work hard to do so but if I read your updates correctly she hasn't even broke off the EA yet?