I try hard to spy, but it's hard when we share a house and a bedroom. Nothing intentional, but for example I'll notice what she's wearing, how much time she spends getting ready, etc. As for the phone, that's easier to make the conscious choice not to pick it up and look. But Pandora's box is sooo tempting....
As far as the MC is concerned my wife is not involved with the OM anymore. My problem is that I don't trust that - it came too easily without much of a fight. If she cares for him half as much as she claimed she should be a wreck after NC. Yes, she has since gotten anti-anxiety medication, but still seems too easy to me.
I'm still a work in progress, both in self-care and finding things to do JUST for myself. Between kids and family (including extended and parents) I've been focused on other people too long. I'm working on changing that.
My wife said her unhappiness stemmed from our growing detachment to each other. Essentially we were both hurting each other and instead of talking about our problems we isolated from each other. This was obviously not a good coping mechanism and led to us feeling more like roommates than lovers.
Which leads me to the improvements I've seen. She is more comfortable around me and makes a point of trying to sit in the same room with me. Every night as soon as she gets home she takes 15 minutes to tell me about her day before we do anything else. In the past we didn't talk about anything. She doesn't cringe when I touch her or offer a back massage. The other day, I even gave her a foot massage after she had a long day on her feet. We sit next to each other when watching tv and her body language is open and facing me. In the past we were on different couches or opposite ends of the couch - touching was not welcome or an option. Sad that this was a breakthrough, but we kissed on the lips for the first time in months on Tuesday.
That being said, she has yet to initiate any contact herself. She doesn't come to me with a hug when I need it. She doesn't ask how my day was. So it's feeling a bit one-sided right now, but I know that we have different love languages, and that is contributing to this. I have hope that with enough patience things may improve.... After all, I usually make coffee while she showers in the morning, but this week I've been slow and she fixed my coffee for me several times without any prompting. And she's been thanking me when I do little things for her. All in all, this feels nice.
My biggest struggle is trust. She said she went out with a (girl)friend earlier this week and I was a wreck all night and haven't recovered yet. All I can do is wonder if she was really there. So much so that this morning I had convinced myself I should ask her ASAP. That compulsion is gone. If she wasn't doing the right thing I'll find out eventually - the truth has a nasty habit of coming to light
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
So my goals now are to be the best man, best parent, best person I can be.
If youve been here reading as long as you say, then Im guessing you can figure out what my opinion of this is...
Im not saying that these arent great ideas. But I want to make sure that you have more than just this. What does BEING the best parent look like to you? How will you achieve it?
Welcome to the boards, SciDad! There are some awesome people here and you'll get some great advice and support.
Pho mentioned something about the psychological component of affairs being addicting and this is absolutely true. Researchers have found when you put someone in the early throes of love in an fMRI machine and observe their brain, the same areas light up as seen in addicts using cocaine. Everything the new partner does is reinforcing and triggers major releases of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is responsible for the amazing highs, as well as obsessive, cant-get-them-off-our-mind feelings we experience when falling in love.
We continue to produce dopamine throughout a long term marriage or relationship, but the "high" has a limited shelf life. It's an evolutionary thing...how would we ever focus on going out in the world and raising our families if we couldn't tear ourselves out of one another's arms or ever think of anything else but them? But we still become accustomed to maintaining a certain level of dopamine in our system, even though it no longer gives us that rush it does in new love. When your partner leaves and your source of dopamine goes with them, the pain we feel is, in a very real sense, withdrawal-- just as if you were quitting an illegal substance.
So, in a nutshell, no long term relationship can compete with the happy chemical onslaught of a new fling, which is why it is impossible to heal a M while the OM/OW is still in the picture.
Hopefully you are right that OM is out of the picture, though, and you can both get to the real work of repairing your M.
I knew Azz was going to chime in on those goals! Annab is so right about the dopamine from the new and exciting. Man. Who wouldn't want to live like that forever. Reality is not possible.
Keep posting.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Very true, otw! But the good news about that is, the high won't last forever with the A partner either.
Originally Posted By: otw
I knew Azz was going to chime in on those goals! Annab is so right about the dopamine from the new and exciting. Man. Who wouldn't want to live like that forever. Reality is not possible.
I know dealing with A is unbelievably emotional. There is no excuse for it, none. But there are many contributing factors for it. When you are able to (hopefully soon) focus on the contributing factors and drop the thoughts of the A. All of them. You can do it if you try very hard.
You will be better for it. Not your M, not your S, you will be better for it.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
As far as the MC is concerned my wife is not involved with the OM anymore. My problem is that I don't trust that - it came too easily without much of a fight. If she cares for him half as much as she claimed she should be a wreck after NC.
I have to agree with you.
Quote:
My wife said her unhappiness stemmed from our growing detachment to each other. Essentially we were both hurting each other and instead of talking about our problems we isolated from each other. This was obviously not a good coping mechanism and led to us feeling more like roommates than lovers.
It grew considerably more complicated when she involved a third person in the M.
Quote:
My biggest struggle is trust. She said she went out with a (girl)friend earlier this week and I was a wreck all night and haven't recovered yet. All I can do is wonder if she was really there. So much so that this morning I had convinced myself I should ask her ASAP. That compulsion is gone. If she wasn't doing the right thing I'll find out eventually - the truth has a nasty habit of coming to light
The burden of proof is on her. She is the one who should earn your trust, and until then, you need to be very cautious. One of our vets use to say, "trust but verify". He believed in gathering intell. If you do, never tell her how you learn the truth that comes to light. Not even after you reconcile.
Has she shown remorse? Has she earnestly apologized and asked for your forgiveness.....I mean humbly sought your forgiveness? Or, was she more like, "I just want to pick up where we left off and put all this behind us". Her attitude should tell you with that part.
I really believe in a strong transparency plan. If she is serious about working to same the M, then she will not protest about transparency. It is as much, if not more, to help her as it is to get the trust back on track. She should not expect you to simply trust her after she's betrayed you. If she says, "Well, you'll just have to trust me", and she does nothing to help you trust her again........Let that be a red flag. Like I said, her attitude will tell you more than her words.
Is she still working with the OM? If so, she needs to change jobs. It is simply too risky, and I don't know of a case where the WW continued to work with her AP and reconcile fully with her H. It is too difficult for her to do. They are addicted to each other. As you said, why isn't she falling apart? Hummmm? I find it hard to accept that a woman suddenly ends a passionate affair, and with hardly the effort of batting her eyelashes, she's the doting wife again. A lot of women can play the role........so you have to decide if she's authentic in what you see in her.
Sometimes going to MC sessions can be a smoke screen for the WW in an A. We had a former WW who confessed of attending the MC with her H, and yet she was still in the A with her OM. Not very encouraging news, however, I tell the H these things b/c they just can't believe their W would ever be that deceitful. This is not the girl you married.
Is the MC a solution-based counselor? If not, you are wasting money and time. If she's still in her A, I don't believe MC will be effective, due to her mindset and addiction to the A. It is difficult to find a MC that will not add confusion for the LBH, b/c you are getting DBing advice and the MC is giving you their own. Bear that in mind.
If she has actually told you she wants to save the M (which is not the same as agreeing to work on it) then there are some things you can do. Btw, the reason I said they aren't the same, is b/c some WW's will agree to go to MC, or even say they will "try" to work on the MR......only to tell everyone later that she tried everything and it just didn't work. She needs to reach the point she's willing to do whatever it takes to save this M.
If she really means it, then I think you need to devise a transparency and accountability plan. She needs to agree to what you say will be the plan.....not her. You need to be able to look at her phone any time without warning. She may still delete the messages, but usually, when a W is in an A....she'll eventually mess up. You should have all her passwords.
If she is truly ready to make this work, she'll need support. If it had not been for the DB board, I don't know if I would have made it through the withdrawal period. Unlike some hole-in-the-wall C, who will tell you whatever you want to hear......I had people who were talking to me very straight and gave me guidance and support to get back on track with the M. It was not fast, and I struggled a long time b/c of so much resentment. I first had to be willing "to be willing", before I could go any further.
I am concerned that your W has taken her A deeper underground. She seems to be playing a role of the W returning to the MR, but as you said.....it seems she's doing this too easily. Although all women are exactly the same, it seems that most WW's are very similar.
I have a personal question. Have you thought about telling her she needs to be tested for STD? She should be willing to do this to protect you. Realistically, she may not want to, and you may need to insist, and be there to get the results from the test. (Yes, a WW will lie about not having a STD). Please don't take chances.
On another note, I read one of your replies on another poster's thread. I was impressed, and thought it was great advice......especially for a newbie.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Revision of my half-a$$ed goals (a work in progress):
Overall * I need to be more "present" in my life. So much of my time is focused on the future, but I rarely enjoy the little moments. This applies to pretty much every aspect of my life - relationships, friends, parenting, work. I'm a thinker and a planner, but many times it comes at a cost.
* Start each day with a short list of easily obtainable short-term goals.
* Acknowledge my emotions, but do not let my life be dictated by them. Right now I repress everything and suffer the consequences later as an outburst. Must find a better coping mechanism
* Be straight to the point (without being offensive) when I have something to say. I tend to beat around the bush and worry how people will react
Relationship(s) * Continue working on being a better listener. This applies to every relationship including with my parents, friends, children and wife. Key - listen, without talking. Do NOT try to fix anything unless asked
* STFU when I want to say something and evaluate WHY I want to say it. Even if it needs to be said, timing and message are important
* Do not isolate myself while at home with my family. Enjoy the simple act of spending time together
Parenting * Establish and (stick to) a chore list for my kids to help out at home
* Help more with homework, and ask my W to help out with showers in return
* Continue to ask (and listen to) how my boys' days are
* Find activities to do together, even if it's building pillow forts in the living room...
Work * Explore the creative side to my research. Too much of my thoughts right now focus on the mundane, but my passion is in the novel.
* Explore my career options with an open mind.
* Continue to network
GAL * Take time to be creative. Learning guitar, writing, painting, singing, reading. It all helps
* Take time for myself. I focus too much on the needs of other and tend to ignore my needs
* Exercise
* Meet new people (meetup? Volunteering?) and re-econnect with old friends
* Once a month, try something new. I need to mix things up a bit more and explore what I don't know
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Love the goals. Keep them in mind and you will be OK. The parenting ones are awesome! Me and the kids love to build pillow forts - or blanket ones, too. I don't mind playing tea party 50 times in a row because my D4 wants to - or having light saber fights with S6. Its because they want to - and that kind of stuff creates memories that will stick with them for laugh. That isn't what a parent does - it is what a Dad does. Keep it up!
Last edited by Spiff69; 11/23/1506:08 PM.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
