Some people say that you can predict how a whole evening will go within the first few seconds of greeting each other. Cordial greetings yield pleasant times together. Cold ones result in discord. That said, go out of your way to be loving and warm, even if you're expecting your spouse to come home in a grouchy mood. You can change the course of the evening by tipping over the first domino in a positive direction.
Divorce Busting November 13 at 10:48am · Boulder, CO ·
The couples in my practice spend too much time debating who is right and who is wrong about their needs and feelings. The truth is, in most cases, BOTH people are right. It's the case of 2 rights. The key is in finding ways to compromise, negotiate, take care of each other's feelings. Stop arguing about who sees things correctly. Use your creativity to figure out solutions that meet in the middle. Healthy marriages are built on mutual care-taking. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting November 16 at 12:40pm · Boulder, CO ·
When I work with couples, it is so apparent how non-verbal communication so often trumps words. A sarcastic glance, raised tone, rolled eyes, crossed arms, lack of eye contact all speak volumes. When you discuss things with your partner, try as hard as you can to have your body language signal compassion, caring and being present. Communicate love, not defensiveness.
Divorce Busting November 17 at 12:49pm · Boulder, CO ·
One of my clients expressed concern that her husband's individual therapist might be encouraging him to leave the marriage. Quite honestly, I shared the concern. That said, if your spouse is considering leaving and going to an individual therapist who you don't trust has the marriage's best interest at heart, there is little you can do. Don't try to influence your spouse to stop going. Don't try to explain your concern. You will just make matters worse. Let things be. Focus on what you need to be doing. Think positively. Go for a hike. Talk to a friend. The rest is out of your control. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting November 18 at 1:58pm · Boulder, CO ·
People often say that the institution of marriage doesn't work. Although I certainly agree that it isn't perfect, my question is, "What works better,?"- open marriage, living together, being single for the rest of your life? I'm open to suggestions. Despite its imperfections, I think marriage is here to stay. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting November 19 at 12:13pm · Boulder, CO · I've worked with many spouses who believe that their job- working, taking care of the kids-is much harder than the other person's job. They argue about it all the time. This is sad because the truth is, they both work hard. And instead of realizing that they're a good team and pulling together and appreciating their efforts, they pull each other down. Take time to appreciate your spouse's contributions. This is always a 2-way street. Take care of each other. Celebrate your collaboration, don't fight. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting November 23 at 11:37am · Boulder, CO ·
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it's a great opportunity to reflect on what we are grateful for. Weigh in on the things/people who give your life meaning.
What are you thankful for? health, home, family, friends, food Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting November 24 at 12:41pm · Boulder, CO
So many people say, "Let's just get through the holidays and after New Year's we can get a divorce. I don't want to ruin the kids' holidays."
Hello?
With this strategy, you might prevent sadness on one particular holiday season, but what about the impact on the holidays to come, year after year?
If you want to create happy memories, give your kids the gift of working things out. That's more valuable that anything you can gift-wrap in a box.
Think about it.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 12/1/15 Boulder, CO ·
I was hiking along a path and everyone I passed said, "Hello," and smiled. What a wonderful thing. It not only made me feel good, it prompted me to be even friendlier to the next passerby. Kindness is contagious. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting December 2 at 10:15am · Boulder, CO
Love is never enough. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is another matter. You need to know how to make a relationship work in order to keep love alive. We're not born knowing how to create loving relationships. If we didn't have great role models growing up, there's no way we can know what to do when things get tough. That is, unless you learn new relationship skills. Don't believe the myth that relationships just come naturally. They do only after you know the formula for creating lasting love. Take a relationship skill-building class. Go to a therapist who also teaches skills. Read great self-help books. Become an educated partner. Then pass this wisdom down to your children. The world will be a better place. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting December 3 at 8:53am · Boulder, CO
If you feel misunderstood by your spouse, it's entirely possible that your spouse feels misunderstood by you. Tell your spouse you get what he or she is saying without adding your own point of view. Watch what happens next. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting December 7 at 6:17pm If you are anticipating sad holidays because your marriage isn't where you would like it to be, decide that you are going to put positive energy into making your holiday a memorable one anyway. Start a new tradition.
Surround yourself with people who do love you. Watch your thoughts....keep reminding yourself of your intention to make your spirits bright.
Not easy? Few things in life really are, especially when things don't go the way you plan. Still, you can do it. You can make the best of a tough situation. And then you can feel proud about your determination to love yourself enough to weather the storm.
Too many people think that they've been clear with their spouses about their unhappiness when they really haven't. Although their spouses know things aren't perfect, the truth is, no one believes that the marriage will end because of that. If you're truly thinking of leaving because things are so bad, TELL your spouse that and make sure you don't do it when you're fighting. We all say things we don't mean when we're angry. Give your spouse a fighting chance to change. Michele Weiner-Davis
Imagine what it would be like if all kids were required to take relationship skill building classes starting from an early age. Picture how the world would be different if people knew how to create loving, healthy relationships even if they weren't fortunate enough to have had that growing up.
When I work with couples, I teach them practical methods for breaking out of unproductive relationship ruts. It's amazing what people can do with a little bit of information. They can transform their lives. Why not start earlier?
