Seem to find myself in the middle of an absolute nightmare.
I've had a chance to think things through for the past two and a half weeks, and have been able to see things from a good (if very painful) perspective, going back 4 or 5 years now.
I'm trying to focus on myself, making myself feel safe, positive, filling my time with a range of different, good things for me.
But I'm having trouble dealing with the pain and fear. It feels overwhelming.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Seem to find myself in the middle of an absolute nightmare.
I've had a chance to think things through for the past two and a half weeks, and have been able to see things from a good (if very painful) perspective, going back 4 or 5 years now.
I'm trying to focus on myself, making myself feel safe, positive, filling my time with a range of different, good things for me.
But I'm having trouble dealing with the pain and fear. It feels overwhelming.
So my H walked out almost 3 weeks ago. I got the 'I need space and time', 'I don't know who I am any more', ILYBINILWY, and that being married to me is stopping him from doing all the things he thinks he's never had a chance of doing (including pursuing other women).
Thank you for all your kind replies. I really appreciate them.
I'm reading through the links (and the book).
I now realise that I have been doing all the wrong things over the past two and a half years. And it's lead to my husband walking out, and now saying that he wants to separate.
He seems confused though. His actions and words aren't totally matching up. I don't think he really knows what he wants.
Anyway, to save my own sanity, I've been keeping him at arm's length. I've always answered his calls, texted him, helped him out. But now I've stopped, because I felt like I was getting completely mangled in this whole thing. I felt like I was drowning.
So my H walked out almost 3 weeks ago. I got the 'I need space and time', 'I don't know who I am any more', ILYBINILWY, and that being married to me is stopping him from doing all the things he thinks he's never had a chance of doing (including pursuing other women).
That is classic wayward speak. Meaning it is indicative that he is having an affair with, likely, just one woman. He may insinuated he wanted to "pursue other woman" but that was merely to protect the one he IS dating.
If he's having an affair it's also unlikely that you've been doing everything wrong the last few years. Other than likely burying your head in the sand (and not investigating the truth about your life and busting him), it's impossible to be married and act normal with a wayward. If you are nice...it's your fault for being nice. If you are mean...it's your fault for being mean. You can't win because everything and anything you do is turned around by the wayward to rationalize and justify their continuing their affair. I know this is little consolation but his affair is about him, his failures as a man and husband and his lack of coping skills and very little to do with you.
Don't confront your husband. Act naive and find out who he is dating. He said he wants space (which is certain code for "you are interfering with my good time and I want time with the OW to figure out what I want to do". Gather solid evidence BEFORE you confront him (and her). Once it's out in the open...then you distance yourself, GAL and 180 him. It is not healthy for a woman to be around a wayward husband for months (even years) on end. See a doctor and consider an anti-depressant.
Take care of yourself
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
