I am new here. Never thought that I would need a website like this, but here I am. I wish I had come here 4 years ago but I guess can't change the past. Here's my story. I would REALLY appreciate any help that you can give me.
I was engaged to my high school sweetheart when I was right out of high school. I broke off the engagement and married someone else. He also married. Neither marriage worked out (my husband was abusive and his wife had addiction issues). After 18 years, he contacted me out of the blue. We began talking, eventually fell back in love and got married about 2 years later. If I'm really being honest, neither of us were divorced when we began talking and we lived about 5 hrs apart.
When we got married, we both had custody of our children from our previous marriages. Blending families did NOT go well. He was a control freak and was also very jealous, insecure and even paranoid. He didn't show those traits before we married. It always seemed to be him and his kids before anyone else. He made sure they got more than my children and always took their side rather than standing by me. I am more of an easy going, passive, logical, problem solving kind of a girl. With that being said, we fought and argued often. He would twist things and see things that weren't always there and would start griping at me about made up problems that weren't even happening. My response would be to explain to him and try to make him understand the truth. Now I realize that he was just pushing me away to see if I would leave or stay. He needed the constant validation. To me it felt like he was constantly accusing me of things that I wasn't doing. Eventually I got tired of being called a liar, accused of chatting with people online, cheating, etc, etc, etc and I told him I was going to move out. He apologized and Said he would change. Another year passed...he never made any effort to change. So, I rented an apartment and moved out with my kids.
We have been separated for almost 4 years now. We went to marriage counseling together for about 4 months right after I moved. He would listen and seemed to be getting it while in the office, but never did any of the work that was suggested of him. He did change for a couple of weeks and wanted me to move back in. I told him that I would but first I just needed to see that the change was going to last and that he wasn't going to go right back to his old ways. He took that as a rejection and immediately stopped trying and became more resentful as time passed. I really did love him and missed him terribly. After we had been separated for about 2 years I told him I wanted to move back in. He basically made a list of demands I would never agree to which just told me that he didn't want me there. Another year went by and again I tried to move back in and same thing happened. I then asked him to move in with me. He also rejected that. If you ask him he will say he never rejected me, I just didn't want it bad enough to agree to his terms so it was my fault. Sigh... Let me clarify one thing, when I say separated that basically meant that I was at his house from the time he got off work until he went to bed every night, spent at least 8 hours a day with him on his days off, had sex with him twice a week, and then came to my apartment to SLEEP every night after seeing him. He didn't give me any money or support at all during that time either.
About 7 weeks ago, out of the blue, he told me that he wasn't happy and didn't know if he wants to be married anymore. Says he loves me, but not sure if he wants to be with me. Then he asked me for "space." I was upset and tried to just keep seeing him and calling as usual. He seemed to be getting irritated that I kept coming over. Then one night he didn't want me to come over. I passed by several times and he didn't get home till 1AM on a work day (usually in bed before 9pm!). When he got home he gave me a very unbelievable story so I began looking at phone records. I was absolutely devastated to find he was talking to a woman for HOURS at a time. I immediately confronted him and of course he says they are just talking. I know he has seen her though. When I would go to his house he would roll his eyes when I would walk in the door. He won't kiss me and gets mad if I sit right beside him or touch him in any way. He hardly ever answers my phone calls and never texts me. I went for a full 2 weeks without seeing or contacting him and he didn't contact me either. Tonight I went over there and when I knocked on the door I could hear him move the doorknob to make sure it was locked, but he wouldn't open the door. I guess he was hoping I would think he wasn't home. I felt so humiliated and pathetic. I KNOW I have panicked and done EVERY single thing to push him away farther. I've been clingy, needy, crying, begging, pleading, apologizing, trying to convince him, etc. If there were a checklist of what NOT to do, I make sure to check each one off every time I see him. I just can't seem to stop myself! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! I know that I feel panicked and desperate, but I honestly don't want him to know that and I can't seem to stop. While we were married he isolated me from everyone and everything. I just sit at home because he would get mad if he passed by and my car wasn't here. So, now he won't talk to me and I don't have anyone else to turn to. I really do love him and want to make this work out, but he seems to only be interested in HER. I just keep hitting a stone wall every time I try to approach him. It nearly kills me every time I call and he won't answer, or when I go over and he rolls his eyes when he sees me...or worse yet is when he hids his truck around back so I won't think he's there. I'm just basically tired of this nonsense and want him to WAKE UP and knock it off! CAN ANYONE HELP ME?
Sorry this is so long. As I said, I haven't had anyone else to talk to about this. Thanks for listening.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi MB, firstly welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you find yourself here - but in your situation, you're in the right place for sure. There are many wise people posting here, including vets who have been around the block and bought the T shirt.
First things first - your H has met someone else. From what you say, he is having an EA and possibly a PA with her. Given your S arrangements, he may not regard this as infidelity as such. However, you were clearly still in a R of sorts during the S period. My guess is things heated up with this woman a couple of months ago when you also got the BD.
Given all of the above, the important thing is not to panic. Initial steps - have you read DR or DB yet? If not, place an order. I prefer DR as it is newer and deals more with infidelity than DB does. Also, if you can afford DB coaching, that may be worth a whirl too. I haven't had coaching, but many here have and I'm sure would recommend it.
For now, I would focus on being NC with him until you can get yourself to a steadier place. Believe me, that if he is infatuated with this OW, there is little you can do for the time being anyway. The sooner you accept this 'for now' the better and you can start doing some of the 'right stuff' and focus on the longer term.
What is the right stuff? A big thing I pick up from you is - I have no life unless I'm doing stuff with him and I can't go out because he'd be mad if my car wasn't there. Well, here's the thing. He just fired you, so you do get to go out and do things if you want to. He's doing that, and if you doing the same gets up his nose, well so be it.
So, focus on looking after yourself - eating, sleeping, gentle exercise, other soothing activites. And also start having a think about other things you would like to do 'as if' he were never going to be in your life again. This is called acting 'as if.' You don't do any of this to get a rise out of him - you are purely adapting to your 'new life' and moving forward as a 'single' person for now. So, how would single you like to spend her time? What would she do, who with? What have you put on the back burner because of your R with him? Dancing? Cooking? Keep fit? Education class? It's time to really have a think about what you want now.
But, I just want to save our R! I hear you respond. Yes, I know that - but put yourself in his shoes. Which is going to be more attractive to him? Tearful, pleading and begging? Trying to get him to open the door to you? Or, growing in confidence you, meeting new people and taking up new interests? Understand?
All of this is called GAL - getting a life. GAL helps start to shift your focus from those things you can't control (him and his infatuation with OW) onto things you can control - you. You get custody of you here, so what are you going to do with her? GAL and acting 'as if' both help re-attach you to yourself and your own life and start to detach from him and 'his life.'
Another area to have a think about is 180s. In your post above - I'm picking up vibes of control/being right - I just wanted to make him see etc.. This (along with other areas) are things to start thinking about and (in any interactions with him) responding differently. But the big thing to do in the short term is completely stop any begging, pleading, crying, ILYs - all of which are pretty unattractive when he's feeling the way he is about an OP.
Also, start having a think about your contribution to the M ending. You posted quite a bit about the improvements he needed to make and didn't. How could you have been a better spouse do you think? How would you want to conduct yourself in a future R - either with him or with someone else? You may want to have a think about codependency too. From what you post, you sound pretty codependent to me (no offense intended, many of us here are recovering codependents.) Many people on the forum recommend the 'codependent no more' book.
Please take your time (time is a gift you will come to see) and carefully read and think about the posts you receive. Also take some time to read and think about Cadet's homework. Maybe think about some self-care activities too - writing a journal, meditation, yoga perhaps...
And do keep posting. The more you interact with the forum, the more help you will receive.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Is there ANY chance your first husband would take you back. Be honest, he wasn't really abusive (no offense, but wayward spouses always justify and rationalize their infidelity by recharacterizing their former imperfect but OK marriages as "abusive" and "loveless" when they were perfectly fine and repairable marriages at the time). That would be the best option for you and your kids. If that were still an option, I'd be glad to help you here.
I have never seen a happy marriage born from an affair in real life (my wife and I mentor marriages for a large church for nearly 8 years so we've worked with 1000's of couples). My theory is the selfishness and entitlement that led you both to cheat on your former spouses is the same selfishness and entitlement that makes addressing the problems in your affair marriage very difficult to overcome. Blending families is difficult for anyone but forcing your children (and his) to live with the new spouse that played a part in the destruction of their family just makes "blending" a million times harder.
My advice - divorce your affair partner ~ go back to your 1st husband if you can and if you can't stay single and focus all your attention, time and emotions on your children (meaning don't date) until they are adults (at least age 18).
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
You have a really tough complicated situation, and I'm so sorry you are in pain. You are in the right place for great support and some brainstorming of ways to use DB tools to bring you and your husband closer together. I'm not selling here, but with all the twists and turns you have here, you might want to look into DB coaching. Just a thought.
Sotto gave you great support and advice. That's a wonderful place to start.
Having dealt with previous abuse and addiction in your families, you have special issues for learning to best care for each other. Love is worth preserving.
Wishing you all the best- -sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"First things first - your H has met someone else. From what you say, he is having an EA and possibly a PA with her. Given your S arrangements, he may not regard this as infidelity as such. However, you were clearly still in a R of sorts during the S period. My guess is things heated up with this woman a couple of months ago when you also got the BD."
[color:#3333FF]I'm sure he is having a PA with the OW. Makes me nauseated every time I think about it, which is CONSTANTLY. I am sure that he had to know this was infidelity considering that he would get mad if he thought I didn't have my ring on, constantly made remarks about me "cheating" on him (I wasn't) and wanted to hear me deny it so he would feel better, and we had sex twice a week the entire time we were separated. I was ALWAYS with him. Always!
"Given all of the above, the important thing is not to panic. Initial steps - have you read DR or DB yet? If not, place an order. I prefer DR as it is newer and deals more with infidelity than DB does. Also, if you can afford DB coaching, that may be worth a whirl too."
I have not read either book yet, but they are now at the top of my list! I have been online reading steadily since this happened 7 weeks ago. That's all I do is read. Would love to do DB coaching, but there is no way I can afford to do that.
"For now, I would focus on being NC with him until you can get yourself to a steadier place. Believe me, that if he is infatuated with this OW, there is little you can do for the time being anyway."
[color:#3333FF] I know that I need to start the NC, but I have really been dragging my feet. I am so scared that once I initiate it, he won't ever contact me again and I just can't stand that thought. It sends me in a panic just thinking about sitting around waiting on a phone call that will never come.
"So, how would single you like to spend her time? What would she do, who with? What have you put on the back burner because of your R with him? Dancing? Cooking? Keep fit? Education class? It's time to really have a think about what you want now."
[/color] I didn't put anything on hold because of our relationship. I had my first child when I was 19 and my husband (now my EX) was no help at all. So, I raised kids, put myself through school, then worked and took care of kids. That has been my life. My youngest just turned 18, but I have spent most of my life working and taking care of my children. Never had time or money for myself....and, still don't I guess.
"But, I just want to save our R! I hear you respond. Yes, I know that - but put yourself in his shoes. Which is going to be more attractive to him? Tearful, pleading and begging? Trying to get him to open the door to you? Or, growing in confidence you, meeting new people and taking up new interests? Understand?"
[color:#3333FF] LOL! Are you a psychic? Because clearly, you were reading my mind! That IS the only thing that I want to do. It's on my mind constantly. And, I did all the crying, begging, pleading, promising, etc...all it did was made him tearful as well, then he stopped answering my phone calls and began rolling his eyes at me when I came over. Now, he just gets irritated and tries to ignore me. That's very heartwarming for me, NOT!
"All of this is called GAL - getting a life. GAL helps start to shift your focus from those things you can't control (him and his infatuation with OW) onto things you can control - you. You get custody of you here, so what are you going to do with her? GAL and acting 'as if' both help re-attach you to yourself and your own life and start to detach from him and 'his life.' "
[/color] But, that's just it. I HAVE no life and I don't know where to find one! I have actually taken a shower, fixed my hair, put on makeup and nice clothes, driven to town and couldn't even think of one place to go. I do NOT know what to do with myself. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's actually true. I have no idea where to go or what to do because I haven't ever really done that before.
"Also, start having a think about your contribution to the M ending. From what you post, you sound pretty codependent to me (no offense intended, many of us here are recovering codependents.)"
[color:#3333FF] No, I certainly don't think I was perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The problem is that I think he is a narcissistic person and so I spent most of the time we've been married trying to figure out how to do what he wanted without making him mad at me while he constantly changed the rules and what he wanted. I should have started reading self help books when the problems started instead of when he started cheating. If I had learned more about how to deal with his personality type, I might have been better able to comunicate with him better. I also wish I had NEVER moved out. Things got so much worse after that because as time went on, he resented me more and more for not being there. I think that had a lot to do with him not wanting me to move back when I kept trying to. And Codependent, absolutely. I am not offended at all, and I think I probably am codependent .
I do appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I know I have a lot of work to do and am just really scared to move at this point because no matter what I do, I don't want it to be the wrong thing and make everything worse. I just feel like I'm standing here with my feet frozen to the floor and don't know which way to try to step.
Edit - needs work on html - text goes between brackets Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 11/22/1511:43 AM.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Is there ANY chance your first husband would take you back. Be honest, he wasn't really abusive (no offense, but wayward spouses always justify and rationalize their infidelity by recharacterizing their former imperfect but OK marriages as "abusive" and "loveless" when they were perfectly fine and repairable marriages at the time). That would be the best option for you and your kids. If that were still an option, I'd be glad to help you here.
I have never seen a happy marriage born from an affair in real life (my wife and I mentor marriages for a large church for nearly 8 years so we've worked with 1000's of couples). My theory is the selfishness and entitlement that led you both to cheat on your former spouses is the same selfishness and entitlement that makes addressing the problems in your affair marriage very difficult to overcome. Blending families is difficult for anyone but forcing your children (and his) to live with the new spouse that played a part in the destruction of their family just makes "blending" a million times harder.
My advice - divorce your affair partner ~ go back to your 1st husband if you can and if you can't stay single and focus all your attention, time and emotions on your children (meaning don't date) until they are adults (at least age 18).
Ther is NO chance that I would ever take my first husband back. Aside from the fact that he threatened to kill me repeatedly throught our divorce that took almost 2 years to complete, I WAS being honest when I said that he was abusive. I got to have sex with him twice a week as well and it didn't matter if I wanted to or not. For the last 4 years of our marriage, he would just hold me down and take what he wanted. I believe they call that rape. I would NEVER go back to him! I only stayed becaus I had 4 children and didn't know how to get away from him. I was also being honest about my current husband's ex wife. She was and still is an alcoholic that gets drunk every single day of her life. I might have thought he exaggerated that fact, but I have heard his kids talk about it many times. I know that I cheated on my first husband, and technically that makes me a "cheater." But, I can assure you that is not really who I am. The ONLY reason that I was able to do that was because of how much I hated my ex, how desperate I felt at the time, and because my current husband and I already had a history from when we were younger. My first marriage was already dead. Nothing was ever going to make me want to be with him willingly ever again. He would force himself on me, then he would buy me something (usually food related) and leave it on the table for me. I felt like a prostitute that wasn't worth more than a candybar or a muffin. There wasn't even an apology that came along with it. There are just some things that you really can't recover from. My current husband felt the same thing about his ex. He didn't leave her because he didn't want to disrupt the kids. As far as the kids go, my divorce took 2 years to finalize and had been final for over a year before they met my current husband. So, they didn't have a problem with him being in our lives. His children didn't have nearly that much time before meeting me so it was a much bigger deal to them. Not sure if any of that really matters at this point because the youngest of the children just turned 18. Out of the 6 kids, 3 have already moved out, and the other 3 are in college and 2 of them will be moving out in less than a year and the last one probably a year after that. I know that we should have ended our marriages before starting anything. I have always felt badly for the way that I handled it, but I can't go back and chage it, so I just have to accept and acknowledge my behavior. I do regret having hurt both of our ex spouses and I have always admitted what I did and that it was wrong.
My current marriage has not been always been happy one, but that doesn't mean that we didn't have lots of good times or that it isn't possible for it to be happy. We came into it with lots of baggage and children coming between us. I know that he loves me and I still love him. I feel bad for him that he's having a hard time now and wish I could help him, but I know that I can't. None of this is even necessary. I tried to come back to him over 2 years ago, but he thought he had to "prove a point to me" because of his controlling way and it just didn't work out well. He has been in his MLC for probably a year and a half now and he was just pushed over the edge when his daughter moved out a couple of months ago. I know he won't listen to me so I can't help him, but I just don't want to lose him. Our kids are all grown now and this is supposed to be OUR time to be together, enjoy each other and grow closer together. It's not supposed to be the time for him to break my heart and run off with someone else that he barely even knows.
I feel like I have brought this on myself because of how I ended my first marriage as well as his. Like Karma coming back to get me because I deserve it. The thing is, I know that I actually AM a good person. I never think about myself, I always try to help others. I am a nurse, that's what I do...I have compassion for everyone, I take care of people and ask nothing in return. I give and give even if it means leaving nothing for myself. The thing is, at some point I feel like something should be for me. I'm tired of always taking care of everyone without anyone ever wanting to be there for me. I want that person to be my husband, I just don't know how to reach him. He is like a complete stranger to me now.
So, while I do appreciate your advice, it's just not something that I can do. If you can think of anything to help me save my current marriage, I would LOVE to hear any suggestions that you might have.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Thank you for responding to my post! I am really trying to pull myself together, but it's been very hard to even just stop crying. I'm pretty sure at this point everyone is trying to avoid me because they are tired of hearing me cry and talk about my husband. I have only told a few people because I don't want my family or coworkers to know. I would love to be able to do the DB coaching, but there's just no way that I could ever afford it. So, I will just have to learn all I can from everyone on here and read everything I can get my hands on while I wait for my husband to come to his senses.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I have been separated from my husband for a long time already. So, I was wondering how Sandi's Rules (aka 180) and/or Going dark is supposed to work? I mean, if I'm already out of the house and my husband doesn't want to see me, how will he ever know about any changes that I have or will make? How will he ever notice if he doesn't want to see me or talk to me? And, yes, I know that I'm supposed to do it for me and not to get him back. But, I also know that when people do the 180 or going dark, they hope their spouse will notice and become curious, then start communicating again. How can it happen that way if there's no contact for him to see the change?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
