Saw this in the "there is a light" thread and MAN it's great to see this! When you're drudging through this mess to hear something like this and reaffirm what I'm thinking and that he found success is awesome!
"The moment you stop letting your spouse dictate your emotions, your thoughts, and your actions you will start to power through this storm of your life. I can't emphasize enough that it isn't easy, and im by no means fully recovered and skipping through life. You control your happiness, not your spouse. "
Do you know where the M stands now? Is she saying she's ready to do the hard work? Is she willing to have full disclosure of her phone, IPad, email, etc.?
Transparency is a must! It is for her, as much as it's for you. You cannot trust her at the moment. She will go through a hard time of withdrawals from the A/OM. Anything from him, a picture, seeing him across the street.....hearing his name.....anything can set her back to square one again.
You need to be able to look at her phone without notice. No warning, no scheduled time....just pick it up at any given time to look through her messages. Do not give her time to delete her messages. Know what I mean? If she is not willing to cooperate, then she's deceiving you. She needs to give an account of her whereabouts, who she's with, etc. Most women frown on this very much. The point is not to make her feel shame, or like you are punishing her, or treating her as a child. She would need to understand how transparency works and that it is to help her get back on the right track of getting the MR healthy again. You need it to build the trust again, and she needs it to guide her through the withdrawal period.
Some men will say that a PA is a dealbreaker for them. However, EA's are just as serious to women, b/c we are emotional based creatures and that's what EA's are all about. So, your M is not safe, just b/c she's not having an PA.
Let me state that it is very important that she goes through the process of having remorse, apologizing, and having the desire to do anything you say in order to save the M. Do not just assume that since she ended the A that she is over it and now things will resume back to way they use to be. Not true.
Do not allow her to come back into the MR too easily. In other words, if she's not willing to agree to a transparency plan, seek a solution-based MC, and put forth the necessary effort in saving this M, then do not agree to her terms. And listen, her attitude tells EVERYTHING! You know your W better than anyone. You can tell if her attitude is what it should be, or not. If she says, "Okay, I'm sorry!" but she uses that bad attitude tone of voice......look out. She's not there yet.
Quote:
Now she on the other hand is saying nothing really, nothing especially about the A or us. No apologies no nothing. I'm not contacting her, I answer but don't initiate. No I love you's no nothing. I can't do anything for her at this point... she's not my priority and obviously I'm not her's because she's obviously not doing anything to make things better. As was said earlier, I thin she's waiting it out.. yet she doesn't think that this is not something you just push under the carpet.
She has to work out her issues, and she'll need your support....as much as you can give it. By that, I mean if she's serious about reconciling, then both of you will need to talk about what led her down that path. At some point, both of you must make the MR a priority in order to heal. It should be a healthy priority and not a codependent relationship.
Yes, you may be correct about her wanting to just wait it out. Not many WW's are eager to do the hard stuff, that I know about. Who would want to do that stuff? However, it's necessary.
At the moment, don't worry that you aren't hearing ILY, b/c she's not emotionally ready. You are in a delicate position of giving her support without smothering her. If she feels you emotionally pressuring her.....she'll pull away. (Like saying ILY to hear it back.)
Again, if she's serious about reconciling, her main work will be on herself. She will not have the emotional strength to immediately throw herself into the MR. She has to get OM out of her head, first. It was months before I could get my OM out of my mind, although I had ended all contact.
I think you do need some type of explanation from her very soon, to know where the M stands. If you wait around too long, you will fall into the land of limbo. It's terrible.
Tell me, does she act depressed, withdrawn and sad? Is she acting the same as usual?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I'll reply more when I get home tonight but here's some ofyour answers:
She has given me FULL disclosure, she ended it right after the PA happened (out of guilt, she felt ashamed she said). She hasn't talked to him since he reached out to her in May and it was a short conversation from what I saw. She said she was ashamed that it happened, because I'm such a great father, husband etc.(Obviously not good enough) We have transparency, she went to a jewelry party stuff like that. I know her schedule too..
Now as far as PA goes, I told her before 1 and done.. but I love her, I' m in love with her. I personally believe she loves that I'm always there for her and supportive etc, I'm a safety blanket. THERE ARE BIGGER issues, she won't address with me. We are in MC and i'm not sure I have hope for us.
Now I have done as the 37 points said, I've not chased her, texted her, hugged her or initiated anything.. I will not! She start the conversation etc. I will not smother her. I am not chasing after her, she has to win me back. I'm trying to follow those steps. At the same time I'm more concentrated on me. She never did so now it's time for me. I'm not going to make sure she's happy and comfortable, I'm not going to worry about her simply because she didn't worry about me. I'm in a zone where I'm feeling good because I know I did MORE than my part!
She has unfortunately not done anything, and I believe because she's emotionally unable too. Just like she hasn't kissed me romantically in 10 years, she stopped.. this is some of the issues that were red flags before. I would pursue her nothing.. It's sad really. I think she thinks its just going to go away, but it's not.. she needs to know that she needs to win ME back. Not to be arrogant, but I'm a good man by plan! I follow a path, I selflessly for all try to do good.
She doesn't say sorry or anything. When the counselor and I brought up the EA she said nothing.. I will do this with good intentions for a bit, but I WILL NOT WASTE MY LIFE FOR HER! As they say "dont take a good man for gratned... because someday somebody else will come by and appreciate what you didnt'.." sadly, I'm afraid this is going to happen out of her stubbornness and reluctance to help herself and us. I am not going to just brush this under the carpet, i have too much at stake! I'm not getting younger and frankly i deserve to be loved as I love with an open heart and soul... I know it's a pipe dream but maybe I'll find someone one day that truly loves me.
Oh the EA started about this time last year, PA March. she ended it shortly there after. I found a picture of a conversation between them in September, then another almost 2 weeks ago.
Sandi thanks and everyone else too I really need your guidance! Respect!
You have a lot of really good things working in your favor right now. I'm glad that you recognize there are bigger issues in your M. Many of your online friends (Ohgreat already mentioned this) will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hey man, wednesday night I was struggling with the thinking about the "thing" and it really messed me up, went for a walk about 1130 (mind you I ran 5 miles at lunch, trained kickboxing for an hour then jiu jitsu for 1 1/2 hours.. anyways, I came home from the walk I went upstairs grabbed my pillow and was going to just go sleep on the couch. She asked where are you going... well we talked, for about 45 mins and it was a good talk. My wifes not the most outgoing person in the world, but she showed her pain and remorse for what she did. She didn't say it she showed it. It was a good night and yesterday was good. Last night it was all dreams about "IT" .. and man I woke up miserable. so I left for work, and I texted her and told her why I was off this morning and that I hope we have a great weekend.
I don't want to think about IT.. it's ours we have to own it, and work to get through it. I wish I could suffer selective memory loss like Jim Carrey in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...
You have a lot of really good things working in your favor right now. I'm glad that you recognize there are bigger issues in your M. Many of your online friends (Ohgreat already mentioned this) will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
These ups and downs are the worst... loving someone who picked someone else in an EA/PA even 1 physical time is dibilitating. I keep pushing physically with workouts, jiu jitsu etc... Last night I taught a jiu jitsu class and I felt great after! euphoric! Then as I sit, while she's upstairs and it percolates.. then I'm trying to sleep and all I see is IT. SMH + FML Lol... We have counseling tomorrow and frankly, I know we need to go but there's times where I say i don't know, I know forgetting is the worst. Wanting to shake this and just move forward is tough. I've been writing my log and writing more songs than I've written in a long time. I see a lot of time playing my guitar and tracking these lyrics.. As my buddy said (we're friends on a forum, don't know him face to face but he's been through this) "the hardest part is the time alone, the time it's just you. When you're at work, or driving to/from work (I have an 1:15hr drive) where it beats you up. We're doing the right things and I Pray that they work out.
I felt human last night, I felt as if I was ME. I slept even, not awaken by thoughts of visions etc. I'm beginning to believe that wondering WHY when there maybe no actual answer but she f'd up and she knew it and she ended it, could be the thing that kicks my ass. We need to say NEVER, never again can we let this happen again. We need to improve US.
At counseling on saturday, she didn't say much again and as usual I did most of the talking. Well I was a bit annoyed and I vented a little bit. I could see how upset she was, how sad she was.. I'm trying to put the pieces together of me, and we are working on us. She's doing the little things which is awesome.
I'm trying to get ME back, trying to stop my thinking of IT... I'm trying to heal. I love her, and I hope we can get through this and she does too.
Respect!