Well folks, life trundles along. We are now 20 months since PA began and 16 months since BD. OW still in the picture far as I know. D process moving along. House on the market and some possible interest. Very little contact with H. Not seen him for a year or spoken to him for many months. I hardly initiate, but what contact we have by email is pleasant.
Looks like I secured a permanent contract now, and my landlord will give me first refusal on this flat if I want to buy it. I have many new things in my life, which I enjoy and have come a long way since BD. I'm attending a divorce recovery workshop at the moment, which is good. I feel I have lost my fear of D now and will keep moving forward - hopefully towards peace and happiness in whichever way.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hello Sotto, A new thread ... you've come so far. I'm still stunned by the amount of time all of this takes. When Michele says dig deep for patience then dig even deeper, she's not kidding, but when I read your updates I see the gifts patience can bring.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Sotto- I just want to drop a line to say what an inspiration you are. Your kindness and positive disposition shine through in your posts.
Keep taking care of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Sotto, its lovely to have an upbeat post and start of a new thread from you.
To find that calm place within yourself is wonderful, its somewhere I strive to be. I would like to say thank you to you, you have always given me support, advice ....and a shove when I need it ...; to show such kindness by sharing your own journey whilst helping others through theirs, well this shows what a beautiful person you are.
Whatever happens Sotto, I wish you so much happiness and the best that life can bring, as you truly deserve nothing less than the best.
Thanks so much for the vote of confidence guys - I truly appreciate it - and I return the compliment too...
Not much happening with me. I've had a bit of contact with H - all initiated by him and all WRT the house. Seems we had a viewer who likes it and may make a low ball offer. We're not that interested and have fed that back to the agent. All comms with H are pretty brief and pleasant. I have become mistress of the pleasant one/two-liner
It was a nice weekend. Went out with a girlfriend yesterday for the day and we had some laughs. Her life is a little full of drama and mine seems pretty tame by comparison!!
Saw nice guy at work today and had a little chat. Not seen him for weeks due to his work schedule. He seems pretty shy and I'm being quite upfront and friendly with him. Whenever I do see him, I feel I want to just throw in the towel and move on from grotty H and his MLC/OW. But, I know it is still early days and I am still a married woman and healing from a trauma, so I'll carry on as I am for now. Chatty, friendly, friends only.
Tomorrow night is Divorce Recovery group and Thursday is our Thanksgiving dinner (my first ever....I'm from the UK.)
Anyway, that's the update in a nutshell. PMA has been pretty good and not thinking about H too much. D things still awaiting this further � info from his side, but I don't push for that. This is very much a 'sit back' D from my end.
Also, met with my yoga break friend for lunch. We're narrowed down to two options now - both of which I can do. She'll speak to her H and get back to me....excited!!
Take care all xx
Last edited by Sotto; 11/23/1507:21 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, I think you have been handling everything w/grace and dignity. You are truly an inspiration to all here on the forum.
I hope that you enjoy your first Thanksgiving. It's a traditional holiday across the pond in the States. It's all about eating and watching the football games, but also sharing the day w/family and/or friends. I'm glad you are going to have a day of sharing w/friends.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto if you ever want to experience thanksgiving book a plane ticket and come see me! Huge dinner, classic movies(Miracle on 34th Street original & remake, Home Alone 1&2) and lots of people. .. We would LOVE to have you
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes - I'm looking forward to Tomorrow's event and will practice extra thankfulness too...
Well, Divorce Recovery Group was interesting. We watch a little movie first, then discuss as a group after. The theme was forgiveness. Watching the movie, there was lots of stuff I agreed with - it's important not to hold on to things, to release and let go, it only harms you and so on. Then, the presenter said, now here's the thing to think about - you don't say to your ex-spouse 'I forgive you' but you may well want to say to them 'please forgive me for the part I have played in our marriage ending'....and my reaction was...What?? Woah!!
I completely got all the earlier part, but hadn't anticipated I might be asked to ask for forgiveness to! Then we had the debate and my stuff was around - yes, I truly accept and recognise I was not a perfect spouse. And I'm sure I annoyed at times and caused some hurt at others. But what he did was so much worse. Do you still seek forgiveness if your 'part' was less than his? So, we had some debate about - does it matter that your percentage was 33 and his 66 - and who gets to decide that anyway...
So, it was all pretty useful and I was challenged. By the end of the session the message was that forgiving yourself and forgiving him are so important. Whether seeking forgiveness needed to be part of that caused more debate. One woman had emailed her ex (he had been unfaithful) with a brief apology for any part she had and he never responded, but she was glad to have sent the email and felt released. There was also a suggestion of write the note and don't send it, or burn it and let the ash float away.
Sleeping on it, I can see that it's rather arrogant for me to take the view - I have nothing to apologise for here! I accept that H came to feel a lot of pain, and whilst I didn't directly cause that, I'm sure there are things I could have done differently or better.
I feel that I could write and say that I hope he is able to forgive me for any part I have played in this. But now doesn't feel like the right time. I think I could and may do so once we reach a milestone, like the Decree Nisi or Absolute. I'll mull it over some more though. I did feel peaceful and happy after the session last night, and I'm more able to think of happy family memories with less pain too, which is good.
Any thoughts lovely DBers?? x
Last edited by Sotto; 11/25/1507:31 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I can see how it might be beneficial to letting go of the anger and going down the road to forgiveness. I've thought about doing something similiar but had the same feeling as you did, that it's not the right time and would be better for saved for some future milestone.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
