Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[PigPen]

I guess running my nails down his face isn't the same kind of thing? But it excites me!

LOL - Thanks for getting my heart going today. I adore you, PP. You are all kinds of awesomeness, and a real inspiration to me.

I have to agree with Mona. No way the necklace was just "any old thing" she just happened to put on. I didn't even catch up on that the first time I read it. Unfortunately, just why she felt compelled to wear it...women are complicated. Sometimes I don't even understand why I do some of the things I do, and I'm pretty sure I've only got one person in residence in my brain.

Ha! No nails down the face Ancaire, don't lower yourself to that level - although I understand the desire. I understand that women are complicated. We men are too, we just disguise it under simplicity.

PP

[PigPen]

Journaling:

Just got back from a great week on the east coast with my oldest friends. While it was hard to have to explain a number of times what has happened in this past year, they were incredibly supportive.

Lots of my male friends would be natural DB'ers. I heard a number of times, "It doesn't matter why she left, she left, and now what you do with your life is up to you. So what are you going to do with your life?"

Was wonderful to be around people that have known me for 30+ years and have their undying support.

I spent a lot of time on the phone and on the web designing next year. I've spoken about this a bit on here but have officially decided to take the entire year off and travel after selling my business. It may have an element of running away in it, but I'm not that concerned. I didn't ask for my M to suddenly end, despite my role in it's demise. I've admitted my faults, gotten help, sought out counsel, listened and assimilated, and still it seems like I'm headed for D. So be it.

The more time and energy I put into planning the trip and designing it to be service oriented the better I feel, and truthfully, the less I miss my W. There is definitely a humility that comes from BD, one I didn't have before. I want to help people on a much deeper level than I've done in the past and believe that getting out into the world is the first start.

Thank you to everyone that's dropped by this thread in the past week, even if I don't get to respond to all of you, it means so much to me.

PP

[mutatio]

Hi PP, nice post, what state(s) were you in on the east coast? Please expand on your service oriented year when you get a chance. I was thinking of doing something like that. There are some areas of the world that interest me and others you couldn't pay me enough to go to.

[ep0215]

PP - I think you are making the decision for the right reasons. You seem like in such a different place than the first time you said it. If you find yourself in Florida I'll be there

[asitis]

Old Thread:


My WAW has become more and more open now that the D has been filed for, and I'm still hard at work becoming PP 2.0, and a man only a fool would leave. The changes are still coming so I'm grateful for the time allotted.

Dog swap got postponed for another two weeks due to some travel that both my W and I are taking (separately), so I won't have the opportunity to see her for a little while longer.

Although there is light in my sitch, I'm still preparing for D and believe it is the most likely outcome here. Will DB to make sure that my next relationship has the highest chance of success possible and to learn as much as I can through the end of this relationship.

Not a day goes by, not an hour goes by to be honest, that I don't think of my WAW, miss her, and wish she were a part of my life. I believe she is on a powerful journey of her own.

Cheers,

PP

Yep. Yep. And yep. my W is much warmer, open, & considerate. We're even doing Thanksgiving together (she initiated & I extended the invitation to be gracious host).

D process is proceeding. While some of it is relaxing because she is getting what she wants, some is clearly that I'm putting her and our (as a R) ahead of my wants. I can see that her narrative about her being subordinate in our M is only accurate when you are really selective about how you look at it, but she can see that I'm caring and giving for her happiness in a way that can't possibly be a trick to get her back. That is disarming. I suspect you are getting some of that. Where that leads is anyone's guess.

I have a meeting w/ my likely lawyer next Wed. We're signing up to take the kids in the middle class, I've promised to gather a lot of the financial records together over Thanksgiving break, and we will likely meet together with our Ls in mid December. And yet, we ran into each other coming out of a campus dialogue on discrimination and she stopped to talk for 10 minutes in the windy cold before I said I had to get back to the boys to let the babysitter go. I came home this afternoon to the apartment to turn in my lease renewal paperwork (which she is still on) and pick up some packages. She was here with the boys, because they wanted to play over here (I didn't even say, you really should ask my permission before coming over and letting yourself in - just great, gotta get back to turn an assignment in & I'll probably see you at the campus dialogue). And we're planning a fun Turkey day dinner for f*ck's sake. Yet no sign that she isn't determined to plow through for D.

And, while so many people have commented that I'm so detached and not focused on my W, not an hour goes by when she doesn't enter my thoughts. Not a day goes by when I don't think about how much I still love her and want to be with her. Detachment has allowed me to relax into being able to open up to this again without it tearing me apart. I've got several women wanting to go out with me via online dating sites, some of whom are very attractive & likely nice. I can't take that step. It just confirms that I still adore my W and want to be w/ her. I will move on from that place, but if anything I think about her more now than I did 3 or 6 months ago. It just doesn't hurt much now.

I see a lot of parallel in where we are (- the kids as an extra incentive in my case), and I'm not writing either of our M's off in the long run. Sure, both our W's seem to be headed on a determined course for D. They may even need this and for both we & they to date other people again before they are open to the pull we have on each other. But the pull is still there. We recognize that we really do deserve someone like the other, deep down in our hearts - I really don't think I'm deceiving myself on this - we are too good a partner for them not to recognize this at some level. But the reality is, they have a number of issues that will potentially prevent from allowing themselves to open up to this. Patience, and being willing to be open on our end, even after we have both us & our Ws have had other lovers. To be able to get past the pain of that - betrayal is too strong a word - wound is something that may make or break the R in the long run. I hope I can handle that as I have handled the D. I hope that I am able to rebuild with the person I really see as my life partner, despite all the pain and heartache she has triggered in the last year and a half.

Just keep on. You've got a realistic perspective, and still are doing the right thing by you, her, and your R. That's all you can do, but it is a whole heck of a lot.

[Mona52]

Hi PP! All ok in your world?

[Fogg]

PP, hope all is going well.

[PigPen]

Thanks for checking in folks, I appreciate it.

Nothing new on my sitch, we still seem to be walking towards the goal line here. I'm doing another dog swap this weekend, can't wait to have my boy back. I haven't spoken to my WAW since the trip last weekend other than a quick text about where to meet.

On the personal front, all kinds of things have happened that have moved me along in my process. Two big pieces of my travels next year have fallen into place letting me know that it's actually going to happen rather than stay held in my imagination.

At this point it's gone from fear of walking out on my life for a year to excitement about an adventure that I'm overjoyed to be experiencing. So much of my life from an early age has been strictly goal oriented with much of it as delayed gratification. This next year is truly just for self exploration. Can't wait.

This past week I also finalized the deal with my business partner, signed over my share of the company to him and made the public announcement to our clients. It moved extremely quickly and the outpouring of love and support that I got from our clientele was simply overwhelming. I received messages and emails from people I hadn't seen or spoken to in years talking about how different their lives are from what they have learned under my me. I cried almost all day as it all came in - I will aptly name 2015 as "The Year I Cried." Truly I have never felt so blessed, nor so loved, nor so supported in my entire life.

This week my focus has been entirely on the transition from my business and community to my next phase of life and it has pushed thoughts of my W almost completely out of my mind. The more I focus on this adventure, and what I want to create out of it, the less fear I have around not being M'ed or having a family of my own. All of my mental pennies have been going into the future bucket and not into the past bucket and it's felt great. Very liberating.

Maybe this is really what is meant by "detaching"? Or it's how it feels to be attaching to something other than my M. I honestly feel a bit like a little kid that knows in a few months he gets to go to Disneyland for an entire year. Sure on some level I wish my W was coming with me, but part of me also doesn't want her along for this ride. She left, I stayed and fought. She told me she thought I'd go off the deep end, instead I got sober and rose to a level she's never seen before. I earned all of this without her.

Cheers,

PP

[JellyB]

PP,

This was a lovely post to read! Your excitement is contagious. Yes I think you are right about this feeling of detaching. I sense from your words and expression of feeling that you are indeed exactly where you need to be.

I'm not sure if you have read any of Martin Seligman, writer of Authentic Happiness or Learned Optimism- founder of Positive Psychology. A proponent of Post Traumatic Growth. In one of those books he talks about happiness occurring at times when we are in the flow. An effortless state, where we spend time , but time is meaningless, and things generally fall into place with little to no effort from us. Things are in alignment PP.

I am glad to see your plans coming together effortlessly and the affirmation of love from others, tells me that your higher power has always known where you needed to be, to have you see your full potential.

Yes celebrate your evolution!!! I am along for the party! I am so grateful for your journey and mine colliding for a time. Your kindness to me has been such a blessing!

I am a little sad these days on the boards, as many familiar people and are slowly disappearing. People who have no idea the impact that have made in my life. So I say thank you again for everything you have given to me and others here on the boards.

You are a man of great integrity, honor and soulful masculinity. I feel if I meet someone half as insightful warm and loving, I will be a very lucky girl.

Continue to hold faith about that extraordinary love coming your way PP. I'm holding mine at your suggestion.

Your love (whoever she may be, W included). She will be so very fortunate to find you and she will know it!

Much love and light

JellyB XXX

[PigPen]

Oh Jelly, you are more than sweet. Thank you so much for your kindness. I wholeheartedly celebrate both of our evolution as well!

I watch you pour your heart out on these boards and also know, in my heart of hearts, that's there's a man out there that will hold the space for you to be anything and everything you want to be. Keep your faith.

Fortune being what it may, our journeys will probably collide and I look forward to sharing a Perrier with you somewhere on the beaten path.

Much love to you as well,

PP