Lost Hope (5)

[V2pt0]

Hi Julie,

Just checking in after a hiatus from here. I was so happy to read that you filed for CS and are taking care of you and your kids. Your H says so much of the same stuff as mine. Blames it all on me, takes no responsibility, but then will say I am blaming it all on him???

Nice that your H was sensible, though it sounds like he still tried to make you feel guilty for asking him to share in taking care of his kids. Sounds like he makes more than enough to contribute his fair share.

Keep focusing on you and your kids!!

[JulieH]

I don't know if sensible was right word. Just calm. Almost like he was trying hard to keep me from getting angry. Felt like there was a lot of underlying threats though. I did end up feeling guilty for our relationship. He kept saying that everyone he tells about my comment that made him leave, feels like it was despicable and horrific. And that he thought long and hard about his decision and worried everyday that he was wrong.

I felt like we were just on 2 different wavelengths. I want so badly to know if there is other woman.

I felt like I just couldn't validate, because at time I just didn't care. But truth is I do, and want nothing more then for him to work on reconciliation. This time around I didn't ask though because in past every time I did I was rejected. There is no hope at this point.

[Jpeg]

Julie, keep trying. Like you said to me the other day. It seems so straight forward reading someone else's sitch. After reading what you just posted it seems like If you had said those words to H it would not be too late, hope would not be lost. I know it goes against the DB rules but sometimes I get the overwhelming urge to just say it! Say the truth the simple truth of what you are feeling and what you want/hope for

[Painter]

Julie, he was trying to convince you to drop your L. It's all about the money. That's why he stayed calm but that you felt the underlying threats. It's very clear to see from the outside.

When H was in the middle of his A, he hired a L behind my back and we hadn't even agreed to separate. He tried to find a legal way to shut me out of the marital home. He told me I had no rights to our marital home (not true). He tried to get me to sign over the titles to our vehicles. Basically, he went from being a generous, caring person to an enemy who was at war with me without me knowing. I asked him how he could do all of this, and he said 'I had to protect myself'.

I can't imagine that you will have to account for all your expenses and how you spend money. From almost all cases I've seen, there will be a comparison of income and a support formula that is used to decide support obligation of each party, then the difference will be paid to the one who makes less and has custody.

[Concept]

I am so sorry for your argument this is a very difficult time for you be strong

[JulieH]

Painter, that is basically what attorney said. On letter, it did say court can override state percent. I worry because I have some money in my accounts, but he does not. I am sure he has been hiding it for a while or has some sort of addiction because he earns 3x my salary and has had no expenses living with family for 2 years.

I think it's all about the money as well. He keeps bringing up an admittedly nasty comment I made because I felt frusturated he was not spending time with the kids and how I never did anything for him.

I kept bringing up fact that we never really worked at reconciliation. We could have went to mc (our counselor was beyond unethical. Even he admits it) we could have moved out of family house and got apt so we could have privacy, we could have went on dates when he left. He never wanted to. Now he is upset over cost???

[JulieH]

Thank you for pointing out what you see as outsider. I keep questioning my sanity.

[Painter]

It's natural to question your sanity when Dr. Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde... You have an emotional attachment to him (or to the man he used to be), he doesn't seem to have any to you (or at least not in his current state of mind), and you didn't share in the process that brought him there, so you're left shell-shocked.

It's what so many of us describe as 'my S has been posessed by aliens', 'I don't know him/her anymore' - but it's not something you think can happen to you or your S.

To protect yourself, you have to be constantly aware that he's not looking out for you right now. He's not the man he used to be. Which is so sad, but real.

Talk to your L about the savings so you know what the likely outcome is. Also check if infidelity/desertion matters in your state. And remember that if H has retirement accounts through work, those will also be counted if your savings are counted. Savings of any kind will be part of the settlement, not support calculation.

Basically, get as much info you can so you know what to expect.

[Painter]

Oh, and when your L says the Court can deviate from support guidelines, it normally means they can set support higher if one party has a higher income than the top of their table, or take into consideration very special circumstances.

[JulieH]

Thanks painter. A while ago Lawyer had said no worries when it came to child support or custody since he left and I have always been primary care giver. I was a little confused when petition in mail wanted to know my savings and said that court makes ultimate decision regarding percent. Did not think I would get much alimony which I am not expecting. Also said he will have to pay majority of legal fees.

I still fear that he will make a big custody battle. He said if he has to pay full percentage he is going to want more visitation. I told him I want him to have more visitation , but really I worry he will fight for 50/50. He has also made comments fht he doesn't want my son living in my families house. That environment is not healthy??? We are messy and do not have fashionable furniture decor but still. Basically he keeps saying that through mediation we will be able to compromise but through courts he will get nasty. That's how I took it anyway. When I call him on it he says I misinterpret him and read into things that are not there, and that I always did this.

(I always read into his comments in past as well, which caused a lot of fights. I even sometimes think he is on spectrum but I know everyone makes crazy diagnosis )

I don't even know why I want reconciliation. Is it just the ego thing. I don't want to be rejected? My boys and I have an even better relationship now then before! So what do I even gain with him? He was so difficult to deal with and I was always complaining. I couldn't handle a lot of his flaws in the relationship and was always complaining.