Hello. I've been reading this forum daily since May, but this is my first post. My H and I have been living separately since May. That is when I found out he has been having an affair with a woman I know. I've read the DB book and all of Cadets links but I've been making mistakes right and left. We went to Retrouvaille in June and I had a hard time doing that and DBing at the same time. To summarize my totally messed up life in one sentence - my H continued the affair until she broke it off at the end of October, she is pregnant with what is 98% my H's child, my mother died this summer and I don't want to divorce this man that I do not know but love with all my heart. I think that they are back together now and I need to remove myself from this hell. How do I detach?
This is what I've accomplished in the last 6 months 1. I've started excercising 4 times a week, watching what I eat and have lost 60 pounds 2. Started going out with friends to new activities when the kids are with H 3. Have maintained my kids's way of life without H or his income
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The question I am struggling with today is whether or not to tell my H that I know they are back together or do I just let it be? I know I can't control what they do and I am trying hard remove my emotions from the scenario. We have a family outing scheduled for Saturday and I am wondering if I should uninvite him or keep things as planned....
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The question I am struggling with today is whether or not to tell my H that I know they are back together or do I just let it be?
Kinder - Im glad you took the time to post. Sometimes just writing things out is helpful, even if you dont get a single bit of feedback.
In my opinion, it doesnt really matter if he's back with her. If it wasnt her, it would be someone else. So what benefit would you get from confronting him on this? If you had this family event planned, what difference does it make if he's back with her?
I am concerned about your financial state. You mention that you are keeping your daughter's lifestyle the same even without H's income. Are you collecting any kind of support from him? If not, why not?
You're right. There would be no benefit. I am not even sure I have a right to be upset about it anymore. I would just be giving him an opportunity to lie to me for the umpteenth time.
I do get a small amount of support from him. It started last month - but it is not enough and not near what he would be required to give me if we D. I am really struggling financially right now. I am trying to minimize the damage in my daughter's lives created by their father and keep things the same for them. I've been able to so far but I have not come up with a long term plan for this.
I do get a small amount of support from him. It started last month - but it is not enough and not near what he would be required to give me if we D. I am really struggling financially right now. I am trying to minimize the damage in my daughter's lives created by their father and keep things the same for them. I've been able to so far but I have not come up with a long term plan for this.
So, why arent you getting what that would be? Have you discussed with a lawyer? He shouldnt be able to just randomly pick a number out of a hat to give you.
You are so right to recognize that you can't control what they do. You can control what you do! Detaching will be enormously helpful in regards to removing your emotions from the scenario. The family outing on Saturday needs to be addressed.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
