[BrightFuture]

Hi HaWho, thanks for stopping by. And thanks for sending the positive Karma, I need it!

I drove to the vacation home this morning. Working remotely today, so not much time to post. But… there are some interesting things at the condo… Will meet with my mutual friends later tonight and see if there is any more information to confirm what I’m thinking…

[BrightFuture]

It seems like if I don’t post right away, I lose all the motivation, sigh… Today it doesn’t seem that interesting anymore. I'll go ahead and post anyway.

I expected to see some changes in the condo, since H told my mutual friends that he wanted to decorate to make it look like his home. When I got here, there were no changes, except for a couple of things that seem to be “planted” by that crazy woman, his friend. There were wine glasses on the table with the cloth napkins arranged nicely inside of them. Then I notices a small Christmas paper bag with a card attached to it, that had H’s name and some kind of signature. The cars is sealed. The bad was on the kitchen counter. It still is, LOL. I thought it was weird, because I’m sure there is plenty of time before Christmas when this woman can give H his present. Unless it is not from her… not sure 100%, but my bet would be on her. Then there was a roll with some sticky paper that can be put on the window to make a painted glass effect. It was in a very strange place, in the staircase between the floors. So, I put it in the bedroom.

Then I saw H’s clothes nicely folded and left on the dresser in the bedroom. This is not H’s style of folding the clothes, unless it is changed.

So, I asked my GF last night if they (she and her H) came to the condo to do some cleaning, as they would normally do. H left not knowing that he would let me to stay in the condo, so I assume he didn’t bother to clean it and change the sheets. He would normally ask our mutual friends to do that. Not this time. My GF confirmed that it probably was that crazy woman who came to do things. The clothes were probably in the dryer when H left, and she folded it. I’m almost sure that the rest of the items were “planted” for me to see.

Well, all that didn’t make any impression on me. I laughed and shook my head, but it didn’t bother me a bit. I came to the condo this time with the mindset that I’m only renting this place, and renting it for free, LOL. So, she can decorate all she wants. The only complaint I have is that if she was here for cleaning, she didn’t do a good job. This place needs some serious dusting (H hates dusting), and not wine glasses arranged nicely on the table, that would only collect more dust.

I noticed that this time I didn’t really want to check everywhere to see if the things were still there, or if there were new things in the condo. I only checked that my stuff was still where it is supposed to be, and that’s it. Wow! This is huge progress for me. I guess I just don’t care anymore. I’m here to enjoy myself and have a good time.

This was meant to be short post. Going to town to meet up with my friends for the Festival that is going on in town this weekend. There a number of my (and H’s friends) who also came for the festival. It is going to be a busy weekend with lots of partying.

[AJM]

Enjoy the partying!

AJ

[BrightFuture]

AJ, thanks for stopping by! I did enjoy my weekend. I’m back home now.

[BrightFuture]

Interesting thing… As I started thinking about ending the whole limbo again, H is finding things to contact me about. These are all just business, and might be just coincidence and convenience for him. The other day he texted me that he used one of our joint cards at Costco (he hasn’t used it for a long time) and he transferred money to my account to cover for that. I replied “No problem, thanks for letting me know”.

Then he wanted to know how much his portion is for AAA membership (I left a new card for him at the condo and was not going to ask him for money.) I replied that I got it covered but if he would like to pay, I texted him the number.

Then he texted me asking if I was done with the company file and if I could send it back to him, as he needs to do something in QB. I did send him the file last night.

So, I realize that this all business, just happened all at the same time. The only caveat is that the things are still intertwined between us (common accounts, join memberships, business…) and H is not doing anything about it. I would think that it would be a lot easier for him to change all that (except maybe for business, it would be too complicated), so he could truly move on to the next phase of his life, like he wanted to. Just saying. I don’t feel any energy to separate things either, as long as it doesn’t bother me.

A couple of “news” after my trip to the vacation home. I think I was right when I had a feeling that H was trying to reconnect with my son. My mutual friend (male) told me that when my son was there and after he left, there was a lot of talk about “H’s son is/was here”. Apparently it was a big deal. H is normally not a show off person. My mutual friend said that H told him how proud he is about my son (also H’s son, apparently), and how amazed and pleased he is about my son turning into a remarkable adult. My mutual friend also gave me a lot compliments about my son and how he was surprised that he and his GF came to the office to say hello when they arrived and then stopped by to say goodbye before they left, when they really didn’t have to. I agree, this is something I didn’t expect from my son before, especially when he was a teenager. I know that my son has changed a lot during the last few years. He became a great person I was always trying to raise him to be, and in some ways he even exceeded my expectations. I think this is kind of news to H, since there was not much contact in last few years.

I think that H is missing the family. I also think that H is realizing how great his family was.

We had a long conversation with my mutual friend about other things too. He told me once again about how much I changed and what a great person I am, and what a great catch I am.., and he still cannot understand why H left. I replied that H left because he was unhappy, and hopefully now he got what he wanted and he is happy. To which my friend said that he doesn’t think that H is happy at all. I leave it at that.

I’ve been sick all week, after I came back from the vacation home. Today was the worst. I spend all day in bed. I think all the stress and maybe some anticipation of the holidays made a toll on me. Maybe because of that, I feel like I just don’t have anything left to give to this sitch. I feel indifferent.

[peacetoday]

BFuture

Hi

Its hard to do much when we are feeling sick, so just try to get some rest and take care of yourself

Good that you and H have a good working R

I don't think many of these MLcer who leave in search for happiness truly find it
unless they do some inner work
but I think your mutual friend said it all that he doesn't think H is happy

Your H may be peeking out and that is great that he can see how special your S is
and how proud he is of him

Obviously, your good parenting has paid off..

I think there is always guilt and regret..I also think they know deep inside the full truth of what they did and they will live with the guilt for the rest of their lives even if they make amends..They may try to lie to themselves, but unless there is substances or alcohol to numb the truth,,they live with it

[BrightFuture]

Peacetoday, thank you for stopping by and for your kind words. I have read your recent posts and I’m glad that your kids are doing fine, and that your daughter finally got an apology from her father.

I’m still not feeling well, but went to work today. Last weekend was miserable. I was not sick like that for a long time. It was pretty lonely too… I felt like the whole world abandoned me. But I just had no energy to even feel sorry for myself. I went to the doctor yesterday and got some meds.

You might be right that H is picking out a little. I feel the same way. At least he probably realizes now that he had a great family. Now, that he looks at this from outside and from afar, if it makes sense. Plus, my son is not bitter, or angry, or resentful of H. I think he accepted the things the way they are and he shows his gratitude for all the good things that H’s done for me and for him.

As for searching for happiness, or making amends, I think H has to hit the rock bottom in order to start some serious inner work. And I don’t really know what that bottom might be. He’s done drinking and partying (and probably still doing it) and it didn’t help him to feel happier, I guess. So, he is on antidepressants now. Probably still drinking… I’m thinking that the rock bottom would be some serious illness. I do not wish this for him though.

I would still want to hear the words if regret from him one day… It could be a long time before that though…

[job]

Bright,
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well and hopefully you'll be getting back on your feet very soon.

As for hearing the words of regret....it might not happen in the way that you would like it to be. Sometimes, it's just a word or a simple statement. They have a very difficult time of saying "I'm sorry, etc."

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi Bright,

I'm glad to read that H is missing his family and realizing how great it was. (and still is!) That's got to feel good to hear. Just keep being wonderful you.

I hope you're feeling better today.

[LoisB]

Bright,

I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I hope you get well soon.

I know you have been struggling with the whole "Should I stay or Should I go?" question.

I was thinking about what prompted me to move from our marital home and finally file for divorce. In my situation, you remember, I had to make some clear financial boundaries for the sake of the girls. I had to file to protect us and get the retirement I deserved.

I've recently been feeling a combination of joy for our new life and some grief over what we left behind. We left a great group of friends, a swimming pond which I miss terribly, a wooded trail, family, etc... I know Louisa has been feeling some grief too now that our lives have settled a little.

I didn't have much time to feel the grief in the year after we left because work and life was so overwhelming for me.

I've been thinking about that last straw. What was it? I remember looking around at our marital home and realizing I was still living inside our dream as a couple. But, I was alone in it and I was tired of investing my life in something which seemed dead. I didn't feel confident he would be back and I knew that, even if he did come back, too much damage had been done to pick up where we left off.

I had this realization that our dream, as a couple, the one we had together in the marriage, was now dead. Even if he came back, the home and marriage would have to be completely new. I NEEDED a life of my own. I needed a new dream and he could be a part of it or not... but, it had to be something I created for me.

Everything just felt dead. It was time to move forward. It was scary as hell and not easy. In fact, things got harder, much harder, before they got easier. However, in hindsight, I can see I'm living a life which is more authentic to who I really am. I'm living a fresh dream for me.

Matt still has the choice to come along for the ride. Even if it just means becoming a larger part of the kids' lives. He has that choice if he wants to make the effort. But, he will have to accommodate our new dreams, as opposed to vice versa.

I think that's key to recovery from abandonment--especially when you are blamed for the abandonment. I think it's vital, whether you stay in one place or not, to create a life which is ALL yours. Make your new life better in whatever way than the one you had. You may fall on your face and have to tweak stuff, but as long as you are being authentic, it's all good. It's recovery.

I don't hear you talk about your dreams. What do you want from this life?