Well life has been interesting for the last month.
My wife gave up on talking to OM for that period. I want to believe she tried to be with me, but things were never how they used to be nor how I would of wanted them to be. Things were good, but she nor I were happy, not truly. Now I find myself right where I was, she started talking to her game friends and now she is back on the phone with OM.
Things were good with the kids, I still haven't GAL or anything of that nature, I haven't pushed for counseling or pursued a D. I realize I let her back without much trouble and I even let her rug sweep to a certain extent.
Now I am sitting here trying to accept that my M is probably over, and she is gonna be with OM for the long haul. I need some kind of help and support right now. This fear has been eating me this whole time and now it is coming to pass.
Anyone with any advice or words of encouragement, I could really use some right now. I haven't begged or pleaded or any of the basic things. I jist don't know what to do, because I do not want to go back to this again.
Take your eyes off her and focus on yourself. This thing has to fizzle out by itself and you can't do anything about it.
You are doing well, actually very well given the fact you have been in this mess for only a couple of months. It is still early days for you.
Focus on your kids, your angels, draw the strength from them, god knows (and you know as well) you will need all the strength you can muster. Become the best dad ever. Play with the little ones, hug them and tell them you love them all the time. Love - the more you give, the more you have left...
Hi Sorgan, why haven't you GAL? That will make a big difference to you I promise. I agree about shifting focus firmly off her and onto you and the kids. Why not post some GAL goals here? The good news is that (whatever your W may be doing) there are some things you can do for yourself, which will help you.
Also, don't presume she and OM will be together for the long haul....things rarely play out that way.
Have you read DR or DB??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I apologize for my poor word choice, Sotto. What I meant by that is that my w and OM are going to probably continue their EA/ online relationship until something happens. I am not sure what that is, but I know something will need to happen. I do not think they will be together forever. The OM is in no way prepared or seems to want to be a figure to our 4 kids.
I think the main reason things are like they are between them is that he is in Florida and us in Tennessee. It is easy to have things look good when the distance is as such. Photos, phonecalls, and texts make it easy to only show your best foot as it were.
My wife still loves me, but the passion isn't there. So since she feels a passion for OM, she is wanting to meet him to see where things go. I know the long distance thing could be possible, but I don't think an actual living together relationship could work with her and OM.
Also It is very hard for me to GAL woth 4 children 4 and under. Also my financial sich isnt very good.
Also It is very hard for me to GAL woth 4 children 4 and under. Also my financial sich isnt very good.
This is weak, and you know it. You cant make it to ONE thing ONE night a week? Go on meetup - theres TONS of groups out there. Just find one.....it doesnt have to be something you know anything about. Go and have a discussion about something. Go and hear a talk. Go out and play a sport. Go play some games. Something. Anything. There is PLENTY you can do for no cost......
When she gets serious about ending her contacts with OM, I think she will have to give up the games, too. B/c the online games is the hook that pulls back. I have never played one single game after I ended my contacts with OM. I had to recognize the areas to shun, in order to stay free of the addictive power they held.
Are these friends of hers people she sees in real life, or anonymous online friends?
Quote:
I realize I let her back without much trouble and I even let her rug sweep to a certain extent.
My last thread on WW's is about letting them back too easily, if you care to read it. It's a big mistake H's make.
Quote:
This fear has been eating me this whole time and now it is coming to pass.
I don't suppose it will do any good to tell you to lose the fear. The fear is what has kept you imprisoned, while she did what the heck she wanted to do. Drop the rope, while you still have time. Below is my word picture for dropping the rope:
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Azzork: It is more about the fact that the kids are awake until 8pmthat on average, and I want to spend time with them. I really am not bothered by that time. The kids are to an extent my GAL. When the weather was nicer I would take them to the park or just for a drive. We would play in the back yard and things like that. Even now, we draw and play onside.
My issue is going to be after they go to bed if she starts talking to OM again. We spent the last month going on walks and just hanging out together when the kids went to bed. We had everything needed to have a great relationship except the passion. She seems conflicted. She has a deep stable consistent love with me, but the passion and desire appear to be there for the OM. There is no passion between us right now.
Sandi: There are three anonymous people that she has started talking to and been talking to for the last four to five months online. 2 are female and one is the OM. Other people come and go intermittently but it's mainly Just those three people.
They use a messenger app and share photos and I believe the females know each others Facebooks. She even stopped playing the game but could never bring herself I guess to delete the messenger app. She says she wants to be with me and I believe it but she also wants to be with him. She says if it wasn't for the distance she would have already tried to be with him.
I don't mind her talking to the two girls. It is the OM i have a problem with. We were happy for that month, but apparently she could never get OM out of her head, not in a desire sense.
Azzork: It is more about the fact that the kids are awake until 8pmthat on average, and I want to spend time with them. I really am not bothered by that time. The kids are to an extent my GAL. When the weather was nicer I would take them to the park or just for a drive. We would play in the back yard and things like that. Even now, we draw and play onside.
I understand. And Im not suggesting that you need to sacrifice your kid time. But at the same time, I think if you leave the house at 6 or 7 one night a week, it isnt an incredibly huge thing; you arent any less of a father by taking some time to meet your own needs. Even then, if the kids go to bed at 8, there is still plenty of time to go out and play trivia or something. Honestly, it sounds like you are hoping that by playing "happy family" with kids and W, that she will "wake up" and see what shes missing out on.
Just my read, I could be wrong.
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
My issue is going to be after they go to bed if she starts talking to OM again. We spent the last month going on walks and just hanging out together when the kids went to bed. We had everything needed to have a great relationship except the passion. She seems conflicted. She has a deep stable consistent love with me, but the passion and desire appear to be there for the OM. There is no passion between us right now.
Thats pretty much the definition of cake eating. Youre letting her enjoy all of the perks of being married; a helping hand around the house, someone to spend nice moments with, someone to comfort her when shes down, and so on. But at the same time, she doesnt have to treat you like a wife; she can go off to talk with OM and enjoy all of the passion involved with that.
You arent going to "nice" her back into the relationship with you. So what are you going to do differently?
She wasn't talking to OM when we did those things. If she was, I wouldn't have done those things. I told her last night after she got off the phone with OM that if she was going to talk to him again that those acts I did as her H will stop. No rubs or walks or things like that.
However, I view cleaning up after my kids as parenting. They make the mess not my W. That being said I won't wash my W's car or things like that, but general house cleaning I don't mind. I don't do it all, nor would I. I will hold her to doing chores.
As for the GAL, If her talking to OM starts again you made a good point, while meetup doesn't have many late night options, going to a friends house or a sports bar is a possibility. I should make a point to try to get out sometimes.
She wasn't talking to OM when we did those things. That you know of. If she was, I wouldn't have done those things. I told her last night after she got off the phone with OM that if she was going to talk to him again that those acts I did as her H will stop. No rubs or walks or things like that. Alright, I guess. Lets see how things play out going forward. Im not convinced that he is out of her system...or ever was...
However, I view cleaning up after my kids as parenting. They make the mess not my W. Yes. Of course it is. Im not saying that you shouldnt clean up after your kids. But what does that have to do with going out one night a week? That being said I won't wash my W's car or things like that, but general house cleaning I don't mind. I don't do it all, nor would I. I will hold her to doing chores. OK.
As for the GAL, If her talking to OM starts again you made a good point, What do you mean, IF it starts again? while meetup doesn't have many late night options, going to a friends house or a sports bar is a possibility. I should make a point to try to get out sometimes. These are good, but you REALLY should work to find something new. I cant tell you how much it meant/means to me to find people to hang on with that know me as Azzork and not Azzork's ex-wife's ex-husband. Its time to pick up something you can do for YOU.
