I am 36 and the H is 32 and I believe he is in a midlife crisis. He gave me the speech in April and things settled we did MC for a few weeks. He transitioned out of the military and we moved to a new state. Moved into a nice new place that he picked. A week later he left me and the boys. 4 boys 16,11,7, and 6. He moved into a dorm at school and is now flying helicopters( according to him it has been a lifelong goal). He was brutal ...critizing even the way I hung the damn curtains. He does not love me. I mistreated him all our marriage. He deserves to be happy and his happiness is not with me. I have been focused on me and the boys. Keeping them busy. Making sure their life stays as normal as possible. I am now working days and nights to make ends meet. He says he does not have to support me that I have no drive...It is almost as is he wants me to be on call 24 hrs. I go to a IC and am doing well considering. Planning on a trip in 2 weeks. He is buying guns..4 since he left.. just last weekend he bought s16 a rifle. He spends 600 while I am struggling.
in 2009 he was in Afghanistan ...came home angry had knee surgery in 2011 back surgery in 2012 another knee surgery in 2014(did not work) Gets med retired because of knee this year we move in july to a new state august he starts new school too many issues
I think he is in replay but it is very weird. He comes and stays at my house a few weekends to spend time with the boys but instead spends it wanting to play cards with me. He is happy and no longer wants to be married but he is here every chance he gets. He sleeps on the couch and he still is full of hate for me. It is all confusing. Any input is appreciated
Wow - so sorry you are here, but you are in the best possible place for support. A few things for you to chew on:
1) Have you filed an order for temporary support? If not, see an attorney and get the ball rolling.
2) Did he sustain any concussions when he was in the military? CTE - chronic traumatic encephalopathy, like NFL players get - can also be seen in military personnel who have sustained concussive head injuries. PTSD is also a possibility. You may not be able to do anything about it, but knowing that he has a brain injury may help you deal.
3) Do you suspect an affair? Men seldom leave before they have another woman lined up.
4) On his criticisms - ONLY TAKE THOSE THINGS YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE! This can be a great opportunity to grow and change, but the WAS also often has to demonize the LBS in order to justify their own behavior. You had four children and a military husband - it was appropriate for you to be a SAHM. Don't second guess yourself - your kids needed you. He just wants you to work now so that he won't have to pay you as much alimony. Let it roll off of you and do what you need to do for you and your kids.
5) Take the high road. Whatever is going on with him, he's not in his right mind. He may or may not ever return to normal. Start working on making a good life for you and the kids and let him go through whatever he's going through, but hold your head up high and don't let him drag you into the mud with him.
Thank you for helping me 1) No I have not because he is giving me child support just not spousal. Like I said he is angry at me
2) Not to my knowledge and he was tested for tbi before he got out. As for PTSD I believe he has it but it has not been diagnosed.
3) He had an emotional affair with a schoolmate before we left CA and reached out to his old gf but she is married and could care less about him. Here in Tx I have no clue.
4)He says I always mistreated him but I think that is him projecting his anger at his parents. Background. Mother had him at 14..Dad was 24. He was controlling and abusive to her and she was nasty to him.
I am I must say at ease because I am no longer walking on eggshells. Do I miss him? Of course but he needs to heal and so do I. I am fortunate that my sister lives nearby . It helps with the boys and honestly it helps me not focus too much on him
Please at least consult with an attorney and find out if you would get more money if you file for temporary support. Also the money he is giving you right now could evaporate at any moment if you don't have a legal order.
Many attorneys give free consultations..just so you know your legal rights You don't have to pay nor do you file…just get information..it helps to know just in case
It is difficult in the start of this..so glad your sister is there and can help and also IC is great The main things are to take care of yourself…get rest..eat..sleep relax breath exercise whatever you can do to lighten the load and still Be there for the boys
When they go IN MLC they change also and your H is transitioning out of military so he has some big changes they are not the same the crises takes over..they may spend time with us then hate us again,, the MLC is associated with their OWN unresolved childhood..not anything we did or didn't do It may be true that there were issues in M just as in all M but still they run from their own stuff inside them not from Us..they project it on us There is nothing that can be done for him as it is his stuff but you can use this time to heal and grow to parent your kids and on the other side most LBS (like US) wind up fine trust the process and let H do what he needs you focus on you and kids
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I will set up a meeting with an attorney and get the facts. Thank you for your kind words. His mom is counseling him on everything legal..i think it is ironic since she is the one that he hates and he runs to her first.....
hello. i am so sorry you and your family are going through this. this is a safe place for you. do your best to keep breathing through this ... that is really important right now, focusing on breathing ... especially when you have moments of feeling overwhelmed. we are all here for you. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
ok I messed up. H was over yesterday since my s7 had a recital. My sister was making plans for next week since my nephew is flying in. She tried to include me and I snarkly said I can't because I can't afford to miss any days of work. I am independent contractor so I don't have those benefits.Ughh I still need help keeping my trap closed. H was not happy I am taking a trip next weekend and refuses to watch the boys...fortunately I had a backup plan...still I hate that he feels he can do whatever he wants and when I try to plan something for me he becomes a whiny child. Having two teens is no fun...my S16 and H are behaving like as%es
